Letter to a Friend
On Relationships

Geoffrey Hamilton
June 8, 2004


As far as the philosophy of love goes, I cannot say I have the answer, but I can say I have found my answer. Perhaps you can listen to my understanding and then relate it to your own situation. I think, first of all, the social context that you find yourself in must be identified. People keep on imposing values on you in the selection of a mate. "They" tell you to pick someone who is _______ and definitely ________ and they cannot be _________(you fill in the blanks). Most often "they" don't even believe in these values themselves, but when they are in a social setting they cannot admit to anything else. Answer for yourself what ideas you have picked up this way and treat them like an illness. Fight them in every way.

Next, in your most guilty or serene moments, see what makes you happy and don't forget them, they are the real values. These are the treasures of your life, not your ambitions or your conformities. These values are too easily ignored because often they do not have any social currency today. Afterwards, be ruthless in not accepting anyone who violates your own real values. For example, I recognized that I never wanted to marry someone who talks politics. I talk politics, but I don't want a relationship about it, that is a value I decided on and I stuck to it.

Let me end this bit of advice for now by saying hide a lot of simple things from both your mate and from the world. Your relationship will always need areas to move into. You don't want to make anything you do seem complete and you don't want the world thinking they have a good idea of what you two are all about. Always improve your relationship by small steps and leave the future in sight. It is when your mate senses the finale has arrived that they look elsewhere.

GRH