CONFESSIONS

               Chapter I

               'Zinta please! Steop ... tickling me!' I hung from the branch 
               of an old apple tree. A bet was on that I couldn't hang on 
               to the branch for one minute. The sun was in my face and my 
               feet were bare over the long grass field. It was when Zinta 
               realized caressing my thighs and butt wasn't going to make 
               me fall that she started tickling under my arms.

               'I'm not letting go, Zinta, I'm not going to!'

               Then she looked at her watch and said, 'You have fifty-nine 
               seconds to go.'

               'ZINTA!' I yelled. 'Don't make me go longer than I have to, 
               please!'

               'Fifty-eight, fifty-five, now look what you've done, I lost 
               count, I have to start all over again.'

               'Hurry up then, count quickly before I fall.'

               Zinta looked up at me with sympathy in her face, caressed 
               the front of my pants, hugged me and then said, 'don't worry, 
               you win, let go and I'll ...' I let go and I fell on top of 
               her. We lay together. She kissed my neck, I bit her ear. 
               Zinta unzipped her fly and said, 'I can't believe my first 
               time is going to be with a twelve year old.'

               I was just as surprised my first time was going to be with a 
               fourteen year old.

               "Bernard! Bernard ... Well he looks okay."

               "Zinta? Did you say something?"

               "There he said it again. Get Zinta. This is funny, we must 
               have said her name while we've been talking to each other. 
               He garbles everything else but says Zinta clear enough." 
               Someone was talking about me. "Back to the so-called cuts. 
               He's waking up anyway so I'm going to just rip off the 
               bandages."

               "Ahhh! That hurts! Oh damn I'm just dreaming."

               "What did you do it like that for?"

               "See, not even a scar or scab or anything. Are you sure you 
               saw blood coming from his arms and head?"

               "It came from him - it was his blood," said Nicola.

               'Nicola is with me,' I thought, 'I remember now.'

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                                                                         2.


               "That's all very well," said the man with Nicola, "but when 
               you washed his wounds and put the bandages on him, was there 
               a cut?"

               "I didn't have time to wash him but I saw the cuts. When I 
               stopped at Parry Sound and decided to wash them - that's 
               when the cuts were not visible. Look, I didn't imagine it."

               "Someone did and I severely doubt he could imagine them into 
               being, and you put bandages over perfectly normal skin - 
               look - the bandages are perfectly white!" I opened my eyes 
               when the man talking to Nicola said 'perfectly white!'

               The term I thought of to describe him at the moment he noticed 
               I was awake was, 'Perfectly-pimply'

               Then Perfectly-pimply said into the air, "Where's Zinta?" 
               with his eyes looking away from me in time to miss my 
               horrified reaction.

               I knew it was time for me to confess to murdering Zinta. I 
               wanted to, finally: mainly because they were asking me what 
               happened to her. If I told someone, I could find out whether 
               I did it or not. After all the whole thing could have been 
               made up in my head.

               Nicola stroked my cheek over the scar and said, "Hi, you 
               feeling better? ... Bernard?"

               "Where's Zinta?" yelled perfectly-pimply again.

               The guy was starting to irritate me. I was ready to tell him 
               if he would give me a chance to clear my throat.

               "Bernard ...do you want a drink of water?" asked Nicola.

               She sat me up and gave me a sip. I was in an amber room that 
               looked like an attic because of the slanted ceiling. One 
               skylight stenciled an oval of bright sunlight across my bed-
               sheets. I glanced at Nicola. Her red hair and sweet breath 
               inflamed the hold-over eroticism of my dread. I looked down 
               at her breasts once before I was ready to confess.

               "You know what?" interrupted the pimple man, "I forgot where 
               I was, my corporal back at the base usually calls up Zinta 
               for me!'

               He was loud too. And confusing. He was talking like she was 
               still alive.

               "There you are Zinta. Bernard here keeps saying your name."

               A skinny woman with thick black curly hair in a pony tail 
               came in and said, "You're so loud your corporal is never 
               necessary./" She leaned against the door frame and smiled at 
               me, "Good afternoon Bernard. What's it like to sleep for 
               nearly forty hours?"

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                                                                         3.


               "Not too bad," I answered smiling.

               "Not too bad! He was dreaming about you, Zinta."

               I finally knew what was going on, "Is this ...Zinta? Is this 
               the Church of God place?"

               "Yes, and yes again and I'm Walter and you know Nicola of 
               course."

               I looked back to Nicola. She still sat with me, our faces 
               close enough to consider a kiss a natural hello. Instead she 
               hugged me and whispered in my ear, "Thank-you, Bernard ...for 
               saving me." Then she reached over to a night table and picked 
               up my lucky dice and placed them around my neck. "When they're 
               around your neck they're lucky for me too. So leave them on, 
               will you?"

               What she said momentarily paralyzed me with happiness. Then 
               I clung to her.

               II

               'All moments come to an end', I was thinking as I let go of 
               Nicola's embrace. I was determined to confess right there.

               I looked hard at the three in the room and searched for 
               inspiration to start. I saw that Walter was on the verge of 
               speaking and I cut him off. "I'm sorry but I have something 
               to say that can't wait. I just don't know how to begin. Nicola, 
               what I told you about this earlier wasn't true. I didn't 
               want to face it ...the point is  I did kill my girlfriend..."

               I expected total outrage from the three of them but all I 
               saw was mild surprise.

               "So that's what you were talking about just before you passed 
               out from bleeding," Nicola said.

               I asked all present, "Would you like to here the whole story?"

               Zinta and Nicola nodded yes and Walter was thinking about 
               something else.

               I wanted to sit on the edge of the bed, so Nicola moved down 
               so I could swing my legs to the floor and get comfortable. 
               Zinta sat on a sand-coloured couch against the wall and blew 
               away dust that had been disturbed by her. She commented, 
               "Dust causes cancer, you know." Walter sat down behind me 
               for some reason. I shifted down the bed with my back against 
               the headboard and my right foot on the floor so I could see 
               everybody's face in the room. With the shaft of light from 
               the skylight making a slow sweep of the bed, I began my story.

               "My mother and father committed suicide when I was eight 
               years old. I was at school when it happened and I've been 
               able to put it out of my mind since then with the help of 
               ... my girlfriend."

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                                                                         4.


               "Well? What was her name?" asked Walter.

               "S-sandra." I slurred looking at Zinta. I thought her real 
               name might be a little confusing.

               "Cassandar?" asked Nicola.

               "No, Nicola, I said Sandra - Sandra."

               "All-right! You don't need to be so hyper about it."

               "I'm sorry, this is hard; okay?"

               Walter was knitting his brow when suddenly he stated, "When 
               you squeeze a fresh duck it can't help but turn you on."

               We all turned to Walter with the outrage I expected from my 
               confession.

               Zinta was the one to express it, "Goddamn it, Walter, are 
               you crazy?"

               "I was thinking of something else?"

               We all laughed a little. "Perfectly obvious," Zinta said, 
               and with some body language cut off the topic.

               I had my cue to continue "...When my parents were gone I 
               chose to live with Sandra's parents, they were our next door 
               neighbours and they wanted me. Sandra was two years older 
               thanme and she looked after me like my mother should have - 
               I was a little brother to her. But when it came to sex, we 
               grew up together. I was never unhappy the way things were 
               between us. We moved out together after we both completed 
               cadet training. She entered university and we supported each 
               other financially. I was satisfied - you know? I always thoght 
               she was too. In school she took an arts program and which I 
               tried to follow her into, but I didn't pass the first year. 
               I didn't mind at all ...Z-Sandra and I were satisfied. I 
               could work full-time and we could live better than if we 
               both went to U. of T. Once she had her Masters I said I would 
               still support her while she got established in the Fine Arts 
               field if she wanted. She took me up on it and that was that 
               for nearly a year.

               "One night that we had sex: you know after more than ten 
               years it can't be perfect every time. I didn't mind. But she 
               said something; she said - we're too content the way things 
               are - she said. It scared me and I avoided the subject that 
               night. A couple of days later I suggested we get married. 
               She didn't respond and never brought up the subject again. I 
               was too scared to bring it up myself in case she said no. 
               Then she got this poster; a tourism poster of New Ottawa, 
               put it up and stared at it every once in a while. New Ottawa 
               is full of blackflies and mosquitoes, a thousand miles north 
               of Toronto, surrounded by submarine bases, with only its 
               looks and power to attract people to it. I couldn't understand

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                                                                         5.


               why she would stare at it so much. But I put it out of my 
               mind, deciding it was nothing to worry about."

               "She leaves you; you kill her. Right?" said Walter.

               "Walter, what is going on with you?" said Zinta. "Go on, 
               Bernard. I'm sorry."

               "Look," I went on,  "our lives were perfect until she decided 
               to be un-satisfied. 'We're toocontent' means she wanted to 
               be un-content."

               I tried to gesticulate what I wanted to express next, but it 
               lookedlike I was drawing without ink. "What am I supposed to 
               do, offer her un-contentment?"

               They were wanting me to hurry up.

               I flicked the dice with my index finger and continued, "Then 
               she wanted to leave me and I went crazy and hung her upside-
               down from the ceiling and left our place. When I cam back 
               she was dead. I know someone moved her body from where I 
               left it, but I was the one that killed her."

               Nicla jumped on my last word, saying, "I can see that you 
               assaultedher, but murdered her, I can't see that."

               "We fought - like, I had to beat her up to get her up there. 
               I beat her in the head, okay? - and I sliced her forearms 
               with something."

               "With what?" asked Nicola.

               "I don't know! It just happened, when I threw her against 
               the wall. Maybe it was some glass on the floor."

               "You murderer!" exclaimed Walter.

               "You big hypocrite," Zinta interjected, then to us all in 
               turn she said, "He's a colonel in teh cadets. All he does is 
               teach guerrilla tactics tokids. You may not have killed anyone 
               yet, dear, but if you ever get up the nerve and do, it'll be 
               just the legal form of murder."

               "Oh shut up, Zinta."

               "Excuseme, do you mind?" asked Nicola. "I wanted some 
               questions answered by Bernard.

               "Bernard, were the cuts on her forearms long and thing and 
               over the veins?"

               "Yeah, I guess so."

               "Did youhit the back of her head, causing it to bleed?"

               "Yeah, I did."

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                                                                         6.


               "That's the same as your wounds. Are you sure you didn't 
               just imagine it all?"

               "All very fascinating," said Walter walking farther away 
               from us into a darker corner of the room. "Whatever you're 
               trying to say, Zinta, I never murdered anyone and I never 
               will."

               Zinta shot back, "Everybody you've trained will do it for 
               you. Or you'll figure out some way to avoid doing it yourself. 
               I know you."

               Nicola lifted her hand to shut them up and said to Walter, 
               "Did you notice that the cuts he described on Sandra are the 
               same as the ones I saw on him?"

               "Yeah, well, who cares?"

               "I do, it means something to me. I think he imagined killing 
               his Sandra when he was sleeping," said Nicola.

               "Yeah, well,... good for him..." said Walter looking around 
               the room. Then he lifted himself slowly from where he was 
               sitting, stretched and said, "I bet you're hungry Bernard. 
               I'll go get you something. What do you want? Cereal? Toast? 
               Tea?"

               I was startled by his sudden turn of mood but I was hungry. 
               "Cereal and tea, if you don't mind," I said.

               He left the room and I asked if I should continuemy story. 
               Nicola and Zinta said I should, with Zinta adding, "Walter 
               getting tea for anyone would normally kill me from shock. 
               But he's up to something. So go on, I don't think he was 
               listening anyway."

               Nicola had something to add, "I've never seen anyone condemn 
               someone as a murderer and seconds later offer them tea. Not 
               that I didn't expect it to happen someday." The two women 
               laughed and told me to go on.

               I continued, "Okay, after I ... had the incident with S-
               Sanddra, I met Nicola's friends at a wedding -"

               "Tell her something about the wedding," pleaded Nicola.

               "I don't think it's important."

               "Go on ... please?"

               "Okay, well ... from what I recall ... I guess I got the 
               idea of getting married once I knew Sandra was gone. When I 
               took that drug - in thsoe pamphlets your church hands out - 
               it seemed to magnify everything in my mind. I felt like I 
               knew what I was doing - like God. Well you know what it does, 
               and I invited what must hva been thousands of people I didn't 
               even know. A hell of a lot of people turned up. Nicola's

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                                                                         7.


               friends were there and helped me when my guests became a 
               mob."

               Nicola butted in, "You see, Bernard married himself."

               "What?" said Zinta.

               "He put a ring on his own finger. In St. James Cathedral. 
               Can you imagine it?"

               "Bernard, didn't you have anyone to marry?"

               "No, I'm sorry, I didn't" I said with counter-scorn.

               Nicola and Zinta looked apologetic and told me to continue.

               "Nicola's friends wanted me to figureout and retrieve a parcel 
               that was stuck in customs. The way I decided to get it was 
               by working in the customs and wait for a chance to steal the 
               package while I worked there. It turned out that the people 
               that worked in teh customs were working at some other purpose - 
               in politics."

               "Bernard?" said Nicola interrupting, "You're sterilizing the 
               story. How are we supposed to ...Youknow..."

               "Judge. Right?" I finished. "You want to be able to judge 
               me. Right? Well, I'm guilty. You know? If you want to get 
               rid of me - If you cant trust me around here, I'll leave 
               right now." I took a breath to get rid of any falseness in 
               my tone. "I wanted to go to the police about it in Toronto, 
               but as Nicola knows they can't be trusted to stick to police 
               work. If there is anyone to give myself up to I will. Judge 
               me guilty. I am."

               Nicola repleid first, "I've been suspending my jdugement 
               about you for so long because I felt there was alwaysmoe I 
               needed to know first. I still feel that way. But if I'm forced 
               to make up my mind now I'd have to say I guess you did murder 
               someone, if you say you did, but I trust you enough to want 
               your compnay..." She stopped herself from saying something 
               in front of Zinta.

               Zinta sensing the awkward ending to Nicola's statement waited 
               long enought o make sure Nicola had finished then said, "If 
               I was afraid of psychos, not that you are, Bernard, do you 
               think I would have made the mistake of marrying Walter?'

               I wasn't sure if this meant I could stay with them. I searched 
               my mind for the right way to ask and Zinta answered, "Bernard, 
               the washroom is over therenext to the stairs. Nicola picked 
               up some clothes for you to wear. You can find them under the 
               window sill beside the sink When you're ready and dressed 
               we'll go on a tour of this church." The word 'church' giving 
               both women a private giggle.

               Nicola let Zinta go ahead of her and turned back to me. She 
               hugged me again and kissed me on the cheeks. She said, "Thank-

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                                                                         8.


               you again. Thank-you so much - You can guess I'm planning to 
               stay here but if you ever decide you want to move on lone 
               I'll give you the car we took from those Red and Whites. I 
               hid it out of town int he bush. But the thing is I hope you 
               stay with us." She went downstairs.

               They waited at the bottom of the stairs for me to get ready 
               then they led me down a corridor with many small bright rooms 
               of varying size and shape. All the room's windows were open 
               and through them I could smell a fresh damp breeze under 
               which a turquoise body of water was crashing.

               "Is that Georgian Bay?" I asked.

               "Yeah. we'll go for a swim later. Okay?" Nicola suggested.

               I agreed as we came upon Walter stepping from one room to 
               another across the hall.

               "Hey, Bernard," said Walter, "I'm sorry I didn't make it 
               back with your breakfast. I just had to go to the bathroom. 
               I started to boil the water for the tea..."

               "Don't worry about it, Walter."

               "NO really, I'll make it for you."

               Zinta turned back to smirk at me about Walter. I was wondering 
               why she was with him if she had such a low opinion of him.

               We entered a large kitchen where a large caldron was boiling 
               water. Walter picked up a steel tea-pot and dipped it in the 
               caldron seemingly to rinse it out. He looked inside the 
               rattling lid of the pot and when he was satisfied of something 
               he dipped it in the caldron again, filling it with water. He 
               put a tea bag in the pot then placed the pot on the kitchen 
               table - he gave a little howl when he placed it down hard - 
               the water had splashed out of the pot and scalded the back 
               of his hand. He then invited me to sit and have breakfast. I 
               sat down in front of the tea pot while Zinta and Nicola sat 
               down to the left and right of me. I looked around the table 
               for a cup and some milk so I could drink some tea. My stomach 
               was tight, like the fist of a greedy man. I struggled to 
               think of the proper words to ask Walter politely for what I 
               needed.

               He realized my situation, "Oh, sorry, Bernard."

               He came back and placed down a spoon and saucer beside me.

               I opened my eyes with astonishment, "No, I meant to ask 
               you..."

               "Oh okay, I am sorry!" Walter exclaimed.

               I waited for a second and he brought back a small garbage 
               pail, placing it beside me. Then he took away the saucer.

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                                                                         9.


               I didn't hesitate to ask, "What is the garbage pail for?"

               "I thought, like me, you don't like the sight of the tea bag 
               on the saucer and you'd rather put it straight in the 
               garbage."

               I smiled and the two women laughed.

               Zinta said, "Dear, Bernard wants the cereal you promised."

               "Yes, that's it," I said, "And a cup and some milk too, 
               please."

               As Walter came back with everythin, a middle-aged man breezed 
               into the kitchen, to the fridge, mumbling cheerily and 
               smelling sweaty, like he had just had a run. He grabbed a 
               pop and started out of the kitchen sucking on the pop and 
               waving good-bye to everybody. When he looked at me his eyes 
               bugged out with surprise as he tried to swallow.

               "So, this is what you look like awake," said the man, "How 
               interesting."

               "I'm Bernard," I said sticking out my hand.

               "I'm Mr. Dempsey, glad to meet you; I've got to run back to 
               my class." He stopped himself, "Sorry guys, I meant to say 
               game." Then he took off without shaking my hand.

               I felt awkward for a second, then Zinta toldme, "He's an ex-
               teacher. He was fired, so he's happy to imagine he's got a 
               real class of students to look after."

               "What is this game? Who's playing?" I asked Zinta.

               "Some kind of rugby game. The Church members are playing."

               "Do you want to go with him? I must be hogging all your time."

               Zinta smiled and said, "I like the Church when it's deserted. 
               Anyway, I might get injured by the way they play."

               "How many do you have staying here?"

               "Over twenty, most of the time."

               I took a sip of the hot tea. It acted like medicine in my 
               stomach as I clunked the mug against the table. The word 
               "fired" then sunk in and I wondered about it.

               "Fired?" I said inquisitively, "Why was Mr. Dempsey fired?"

               "He never said," claimed Walter as he sat down, "You know I 
               bet it was for his ideas."

               Zinta got up and started to walk around. She stared at Walter, 
               "He did say. He said the parents got upset that they couldn't 
               control their kids because of what he taught."

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                                                                        10.


               "Did he spoil them?" I asked.

               "No, he said he taught them not to listen to authority but 
               to common-sense - that's the way he put it."

               "If he doesn't like authority why do you call him Mr. 
               Dempsey?"

               Walter cut in, "He asked us not to tell people."

               Then Zinta started looking around the room like she had a 
               sudden attack of vertigo. SHe grabbed a spatula and whacked 
               at a fly on the counter. When she looked at the spatula blade 
               for the fly it was smeared like apple sauce.

               Walter covered his pimply face and yelled out, "Oh! God! 
               Zinta that was awful! Oh God! Oh God!"

               "Oh yeah, I might be spreading a lot of germs - oh, Walter 
               stop overreacting!"

               I started to eat the cereal but after a few mouthfuls I felt 
               full enough.

               "Let's go out, it looks like a beautiful day," I said, despite 
               admitting to myself and the others that I had murdered Zinta - 
               or rather, Sandra. I felt like I had so much to look forward 
               to. At that moment as I followed in the direction Mr. Dempsey 
               went, I knew I could look forward to jail or maybe to a life 
               with the Church of God, it didn't matter. The guilt I had 
               felt for so long had passed with my confession. I knew all I 
               needed was something to replace Zinta in my life and I was 
               ready to look with all my ability.

               Even though I followed the route out that I surmised was the 
               way Mr. Dempsey had left, I came to several dead ends in the 
               old place until Zinta, Nicola and Walter led the way for me.

               When I came out the door behind my three friends I breathed 
               in the most delectable fragrances of the water, wood smoke 
               and leafy humus. The fall had arrived. The day was warm 
               though, so I didn't need a sweater. I squinted in the bright 
               light as I appraised the building I'd been in. It was bright 
               red and long with a simple gabled roof. It was difficult to 
               see how I was lost in such a simple structure.

               Around the Church were yellow, green, pin, and purple houses 
               along the narrow cobblestone streets. A whitish rock stuck 
               out from under the houses all the way up a steep inclining 
               alley that twisted out of sight at the top. In the other 
               directionI peeked between the red church building and the 
               yellow one next door to see the water of Georgian Bay. I 
               tried to walk between the buildings when Zinta told me it 
               led to a cliff and to follow her to get to the beach.

               I tagged along the winding lane. It wasn't wide enough for a 
               car. As we came to the bottom of a little hill, a beach of 
               not more than forty metres in length lay between outcroppings

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                                                                        11.


               of white stone. Mr. Dempsey was catching a frisbee over his 
               head in themiddle of a scrum of other people, women and men. 
               They tackled him into the sand before some woman grabbed the 
               frisbee away from him and ran down the beach before she was 
               tackled and sent face first into the sand. I laughed when 
               the woman stood up and was spitting the sand out of hermouth.

               It was weeks since I had played any games and I was keen to 
               join in. I asked Zinta if anyone would object if I did. She 
               said she didn't think so. I ran straight over to the game 
               getting sand in my shoes and asking which side I would be 
               on. No one seemed to want to answer. I yelled it out again 
               and someone said whatever side I wished. I just jumped in to 
               try and get the frisbee for myself. With elbows in my neck 
               and hipsknocking intomine I wasn't getting anywhere. Soon 
               the frisbee was thrown past me and another scrum was started 
               a few metres away. I bumped heads with Mr. dempsey and he 
               said hello before running past me, rubbing his bump. I was 
               getting tired quickly. With the next scrum, I was just about 
               to arrive in the thick of it, when the frisbee was thrown in 
               my direction. I picked it up off the sand and ran. Although 
               I didn't know in which place on teh beach I could score a 
               point I knew I should start running to prevent them from 
               injuring me. A swarm was on my back, weighing me downuntil 
               others could leap straight down on my head. I saw someone 
               some distance away ahead of me with eyes excitedly telling 
               me to pass to him. I did pass to him and he ran to one end 
               of the beach. He jumped up and down like he scored while the 
               people on to p of me groaned. The man that scored came over 
               to the rest of us and said "That's one for me!" This is how 
               he thanked me before throwing the frisbee up in the air and 
               saying, "Scrambles!"

               The wrestling and fighting went on again. I was stepped on 
               several times, (without having touched the frisbee). I became 
               frustrated by not knowing the natureof the game but when 
               someone else seemed to score again and also said, "I win," I 
               realized it was every person for themselves.

               As the game went on over approximately a half hour, a pattern 
               developed when the three best players began to dominate the 
               game and everyone was losing interest, the rest of us started 
               to co-operate to keep the frisbee away from the best players. 
               It was three against more than ten.

               Suddenly, Mr. Dempsey switched sides. He turned out to be a 
               good team player and was able to make the match nearly even. 
               Mr. Dempsey at one point ran into m eknocking me over, then 
               stepped on my elbow trying to make a solo run for a score. 
               He was tackled within a second and fell back on top of my 
               head. It felt like my head squished a little flatter for a 
               second until Mr. Dempsey rolled off it. I brushed the sand 
               out of my nose and told Mr. Dempsey I was switching sides. 
               He laughed and ran off to continue the game. I started to 
               run and noticed my lucky dice were not banging my neck like 
               usual. I quickly found them in the sand where I'd been 
               squished and put them in my pocket. Within a few minutes the 
               five of us had total control of the frisbee. With a few more

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                                                                        12.


               defections to my side the rest lost interest and went to 
               relax on the sidelines. With only one team on the field, I 
               felt a little silly, but Mr. Dempsey yelled out that the 
               game was not over. The game became every person for themselves 
               again with some people on the sidelines coming back into the 
               game. Although the game was great exercise I failed to see 
               the point of going on and on with it and gave up to sit over 
               with Zinta, Nicola, and Walter.

               I was panting hard as I sat down and lifted my T-shirt off 
               my stomach to wipe the sweat off my face.

               "What was that all about?" asked Nicola.

               "Don't ask me," said Walter.

               "I wasn't asking you," Nicola sai,"Bernard?"

               "I don't know, but it was good exercise."

               Zinta stood up from a stone wall she was sittin on, stretched 
               herself with her arms over her head, and while yawning said, 
               "It's probably one of his demonstrations."

               "Oh, yeah, it probably is, you know," said Walter.

               "What are his demonstrations?" I asked.

               Zinta waited for Walter to try to answer first, then when he 
               didn't she said, "He pulls tricks and games out of his stock 
               of school lessons that he built up over the years that teach 
               his point of view on things. He loves teaching. Eh, Walter?"

               "Yeah," said Walte with the enthusisam of a campfire being 
               put out.

               "What did you say, Walter, that he demonstrated to you one 
               day?" Zinta asked coyly.

               "I didn't say and he didn't demonstrate anything. AND if you 
               go on like this I'll demonstrate what I can do to you!" Walter 
               trampled the ground in his retreat towards the Church's house.

               Zinta shrugged her shoulders at Nicola and I, looking for 
               sympathy and ran to catch up with Walter.

               "What's going on?" I asked disbelievingly.

               "Don't worry. She told me a lot of thigns about the two of 
               them. He never gets violent, he's talking about refusing sex 
               with her."

               "So what! It can't be any good anyway."

               "According to Zinta, he's very good in bed."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        13.


               "Oh my God, he's revolting. Besides al that, what did Mr. 
               Dempsey 'demonstrate' to Walter that could mke him to get so 
               mad all of a sudden?"

               "Mr. Dempsey left his wallet in the lounge of the Church 
               with his whole severance pay in cash and conspired with all 
               the Church members to make sure Walter would find it alone. 
               Walter took all the money and hid the wallet under a rock in 
               the water, which was never found. It was done to Walter 
               because he was getting so self-righteous he was threatening 
               to bust the head chemist, Schubel, the one that designed 
               those crystal pamphelts we used to see back in Toronto. Zinta 
               told me his threat wasn't serious."

               "How can he bust people?"

               "He's only a Colonel in the Cadet Corps, but he turns out to 
               have great connections with the RCMP and the provincial cops. 
               And while the Church of God's belief in using drugs is legal, 
               the manufacutring of narcotics isn't legal. Walter has been 
               able to use his connections to prevent any arrests. Schubel 
               once designed his drugs for the military - you know - for 
               fearlessness in battle or whatever they asked him to do. But 
               when he retired they kept a grudge against him. Walter is 
               the last line of defense for the Church of God."

               I pondered the connections, the wallet demonstrations, the 
               crystal drug and I asked, "Is Walter into this Church? He 
               doesn't seem to care."

               "Come to think of it Zinta's explanation for Walter was odd. 
               You see, she says, she only uses him so that his connections 
               can keep the Church safe from the cops. But he's not in love 
               with her. He seems, at times, to be the one who must put up 
               with her. He doesn't take the drug, he doesn't have any real 
               friends here, in fact I can't see exactly why he is here."

               While we talked the game was breaking up. MR. Dempsey, 
               sweating and panting, walked with much effort across the dry 
               sand. Passing Nicola and I, he nodded a hello to us.

               I hesitated at first but then I said, "Hello Mr. Dempsey. 
               What was the game about?"

               He continued walking past and only offered a shrug of his 
               shoulders in response.

               "I hate to judge a guy so fast," I said, "but that guy likes 
               to screw people up."

               "I wouldn't be so quick to judge if I were you ..." Nicola 
               said, pausing long enough for me to see my hypocrisy then 
               she continued, "Whatever it was that you did to your 
               girlfriend you seem to have gotten over it."

               "It does look that way, but what am I supposed to do? I 
               wonder? I felt very guilty before I was sure that I did kll 
               her. Now that I know I killed her the guilt has gone."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        14.


               "Did you care about her?"

               "Of course. I loved her so entirely nothing else mattered."

               "How can you have loved her and not even miss her?"

               "I miss her! Do I look like I'm going somewhere. I'm not. 
               I'm lost. I've gone from there to here being led like a child 
               by one disaster to the next."

               "I just don't understand how you and I are so normal right 
               now. Shouldn't we not have laughed today? Is it right for 
               you to laugh at all when someone like Sandra - is it right 
               to laugh - is it right for you to laugh or smile, as dumb as 
               it sounds, ever again? ... I don't know what I want to say."

               "I know what you mean. I felt strange when I smiled today - 
               Did you tell them about the two I killed getting you from 
               the Red and Whites?"

               "No! No, I wouldn't trust them enough to tell them. They 
               might tell the cops. In fact I don't know if it was such a 
               good idea for you to confess in front of them. You never 
               know what Walter might say to his buddies in the RCMP, and 
               something about these Red and Whties makes me think they're 
               no different than the cops. Whatever I was taken for I'm 
               sure I'd be taken again if they had the chance."

               With the bright beach cleared of people I suggested we sit 
               in the middle of it and try to relax for a while. When I sat 
               down I took off my shoes to shake out the sand. As I took 
               off one shoe and shook it, a gust of wind blew a few grains 
               in my eyes. I rubbed my eyes with my fingers.

               Nicola couldn't wait for me to clear my eyes before aksing, 
               "What in hell happened to us there, with those cops or Red 
               and Whites? They made me claim, on camera, that the Rubes 
               and I were planning terrorist subversion. If we had wanted 
               to I guess we were capable of it but we had no weapons and 
               we never did anything like that ever!"

               "That's what the package was for, it had a plastic gun in it 
               so that when they raided your house you could fight back, It 
               probably looks better on film when people fight back."

               "Why then did they make it hard for us to get the package?"

               "They changed plans, I think. Or they were playing hard to 
               get, to make it more valuable to you people."

               "Why? Why? What was the reason?"

               "Everything they did when I was with them was geared to 
               manipulating the outcome of the referendum. They were against 
               the idea for Canada having nuclear weapons. They were out to 
               make your group look like it was doing the same manipulating 
               for the YES forces. That's why they did it."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        15.


               "The vote is tomorrow. What should we do."

               "Nothing. There's nothing we can do."

               "Why? Why is all this happening? Why did they let you run 
               around their offices? Come to think of it, I thought you 
               were arrested when I was. The cops took you first. Why? I 
               don't understand. And how is it you know so much about these 
               Red and Whites?"

               "They hired me."

               "What! Why?"

               "They knew I was the one that killed Sandra. That's the kind 
               of person they needed. It was them that convinced me that I 
               had killed - Sandra..."

               "...Well, g on!"

               "What else can I say?" I said.

               I was rubbing my eye harder than was useful to get the sand 
               out.

               Nicola burst with anger, "Get that finger out of that eye! 
               Tell me  who owns them! Tell me how big are they! Are they 
               big - you know in numbers - how many are there?" She was 
               starting to hyperventilate. Dizziness began to make her eyes 
               swim. She stopped talking.

               I sat beside her waiting for something. Then I said, "The 
               leaders of the Red and Whites are dead. Both of them. Someone 
               wil become the new leader I don't know who. It's too big a 
               group to just disappear. I can't anwer your questions because 
               I don't know how big they are or who they do it for ... I 
               don't know, I'm sorry."

               Nicola had settled down, but then growled, "On eof your eyes 
               is totally pink."

               "Thanks."

               "What can we do? I have a murderer as my only ally ... I'm 
               sorry for saying that. You're not just a murderer. You also 
               saved me from murderers. I could think of a thousand labels 
               to stick to you. Murderer's .. just one of them."

               I laughed and said, "You wanted to say 'Murderer's not one 
               of them" didn't you?"

               "Yeah," she laughed, "So?"

               I became serious.

               "So let's not talk about this anymore," I said, "I want to 
               make amends for what I did. I hope you trust me enough to 
               let me do it in my own way."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        16.


               "I told you I trusted you."

               "Thanks. It might take me a while to work out what I should 
               do and I would like to stick with you."

               "I'm sticking around here for a while and you an stay with 
               no worries. I thought of coming here several times before I 
               met you. The Schubel was my first boyfriend - he wrote me 
               and invited me to go with him when he first decided to help 
               the Church. I couldn't go then and in retrospect I'm glad I 
               didn't. But he always phoned me with descriptions of this 
               place as though it were a perfect place to do nothing."

               "I don't want to do nothing. I want to sort out my mind and 
               decide what to donext."

               "Okay, I'm just saying there's no rush here. You don't need 
               to pay for your room or food until you have a job; if you 
               want one. They get by here on donations from across the 
               country. You can decide what to do in your own time. But let 
               me just warn you about the head chemist, Schubel, his position 
               here has made him lose all his manners. He's not the same 
               person that I knew."

               "Okay."

               "I just wanted you to know that in case you wondered how I 
               would want to have anything to do with him. Okay?"

               "I understand."

               "Let's go for that swim now. What do you say?"

               "Let's go."

               I followed Nicola back to the Church's house where we looked 
               for and found bathing suits that fit us. I put my dice back 
               around my neck. On the way back to the beach I noticed for 
               the first time the many cats that lay or trotted around the 
               cobblestone streets. And one child playing alone with a ball.

               Nicola suggested we sit at the western end of the beach where 
               a cliff and tree allowed some shade. We jumped into the blue 
               and white surf forgetting how cold it could be until we 
               surfaced and faced each other screaming at the same time, 
               "IT"S COLD!"

               She dove in again and surfaced trying to say something but 
               the surf splashed in her mouth over her head.

               Coughing and spitting,Nicola took my hand to pull me under 
               the water again. I stayed under with my eyes closed and pushed 
               off the soft sand bottom. The swirl of water pressures and 
               vacuums massaged my face while I blindly swam towards the 
               deeper water Nicola was leading me to. The swirl became 
               stronger near my face until Nicola's toes scratched my 
               forehead. I poked my head above the water and caught a breath. 
               I heard part of her apology and she pointed to a bald

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        17.


               outcropping of whitish rock in the middle of the sandy-
               bottomed bay.

               I opened my eyes underwater to see brightly, desptie the 
               blur, that her feet were not too close. Eventually the swells 
               above us lessened and I came to the surface to finish the 
               last dozen metres. She continued under water coming up 
               periodically to catch a breath. I arrived first on the tiny 
               island and she surfaced soon after.

               We sat together letting the breeze and sun dry us off with 
               nothing to say to each other but what our satisfied 
               exhalations and smiled told each other.

               III

               Eventually neither of us seemed content to reamin wordless, 
               or content with just the breeze and sun to touch our skin. I 
               looked at her nipples, held down by her black bathing suit. 
               They remained hardened even as the sun heated them.

               I had to keep my mouth open to get enough air. I noticed I 
               had a cramped erection in my trunks; but while I thought it 
               not a good idea to straighten it out while she stared at me, 
               I didn't hide it from her view. When I realized that she saw 
               it, her smile was enriched. Her mouth also stayed open like 
               mine; and like mine it dried to the point where we both had 
               to wet them.

               "I could use a drink right now," Nicola told me.

               "We ...we just swallowed enough, I think, in the swim. Don't 
               you think?" I said.

               My face tingled as I reached down underneath my trunks to 
               straighten my erection. She watched me do it and slowly moved 
               onto her left hip and leaned on her left hand.With her right 
               hand she caressed me down from my bent knee to my foot and 
               back up again. She slowly moved her hand up from my knee and 
               brought it up to my face - to my wet lips. I turned my head 
               to kiss the lenght of her finger that touched my lips. Then 
               she pulled my head towards her lips. At first my upper lip 
               touched hernose until I moved down and kissed her. Our lips 
               had dried up again by the time we kissed and she immediately 
               tongued my lips and ears. I felt her press her crotch against 
               my erection. I reacted by lifting my head and hips against 
               her. She pressed back and knocked my head against the rock.

               "Ouch! I heard that. Is your head all right?" asked Nicola. 
               I rubbed it and nodded that it was.

               After that, we held each other and kissed lightly every few 
               minutes for about a half-hour, caressing our heads and backs 
               while refusing to destroy the moment too soon with 
               conversation.

               We relaxed on our backs, with the sun in our eyes, holding 
               hands. I began to wonder what what we had done meant. Did it

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        18.


               mean we were a couple, or was this just for fun. Wen had 
               confused me in that way. Nicola gave me the impression that, 
               to her, it was more important than just fun. But I decided 
               not to push it and I was definitely not going to bring up 
               the subject of marriage.

               Nicola sat up and looked down at me, her red hair was drying 
               into spikes. I saw under the hair that her face was pleasantly 
               alternating between a little smile and a serious look as 
               thoughts passed through her mind.

               "It's going to be cold when we jump in again," said Nicola, 
               "I don't want to get a sunburn - so let's go now, okay ?"

               "Yeah. Let's go."

               We jumped, one soon after the other, neither of us wanting 
               to look wimpy.  We swam near each other until our feet touched 
               the sand; we walked the rest of the way up to the beach with 
               Nicola kissing me one more time. That kiss eliminated my 
               fears.

               "How does it feel to be able to retire?" Nicola asked as we 
               finished crossing the beach to the place where we left our 
               stuff.

               "What do you mean?"

               "The Church will let us stay for as long as we want. We don't 
               need to get a job. We don't need to do anything. We can just 
               loaf around for the next few years. How does it feel to be 
               able to do that?"

               "I don't know. I don't think I just want to loaf around - 
               besides - I don't think I'll be totally sane until I resolve 
               the fact of Z-Sandra's death."

               "What can you do about it? You can't go to the police. They'll 
               only send you back to Toronto. You'll end up with the Red 
               and Whites again."

               "There must be something I can do. I'm going to try and find 
               out what."

               "I think it's time you tried to get over it. Forget Sandra. 
               You were temporarily insane. Think of it that way."

               "I don't know."

               "You were not there, yousaid, when she died. How do you know 
               for sure someone else didn't come by later, see her alive 
               and finish her off. You mentioned that someone did see you 
               move your girlfriend's body."

               "It doesn't matter. What I did was murder.She was about to 
               die - please don't go on about this. I asked you to let me 
               do this in my own way," I said. Then I coughed over whatever 
               Nicola started to say.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        19.


               Nicola said again, sadly, "OK, let's go wait for dinner. It 
               must be around fie o'clock by now."

               "I'm sorry Nicola."

               I had the impression it was as important to Nicola as it was 
               to me that I forgive myself.

               "For what? Let's just go to dinner."

               We picked up our stuff off the beach and walked together 
               across the beach to the road. We didn't hold hands or show 
               any signs of change in our relationship, which made me feel 
               odd.

               In our bare feet we strode carefully, checking for glass or 
               sharp pebbles. There were none. The cobblestones seemed so 
               clean and well laid that it was easy to imagine if they were 
               in Toronto they would have brass poles and red ropes 
               surrounding them to make sure they stayed that way.

               We quickly arrived at the Church's house and just before we 
               went in I wanted to reassure myself that there was a change 
               in the relationship between Nicola and I. I held her hand, 
               and she shook it off. I was stunned. We looked at each other 
               and she whispered, "Not here."

               Once back inside the house we went back to our rooms to 
               change. I turned my dice around my neck like they were some 
               kids playing ring around the rosy. Including she and I, there 
               was Mr. Dempsey and some of the others from the frisbee game.

               Mr. Dempsey seemed neither short of subjects to talk about 
               nor breath to force them out of his mouth. He was in the 
               middle of a debate when I walked in. It took me quite a while 
               to begin to follow the topic: once I could, I stayed out of 
               it.

               "BOOM BOOM BOOM" Mr. Dempsey recited like it was Shakespeare.

               "Yeah, but it can happen anyway because there are lots of 
               countries that already have it. If Canada gets the bomb we 
               will eliminate the inherent nuclear blackmail in our relations 
               with other countries."

               Mr. Dempsey warmed up his hands, then said, "And eliminate 
               the status quo. What do you think is going to happen in the 
               minds of our friends and adversaries alike when they realize 
               Canada suddenly became the most powerful nation on earth? 
               Think of it. We're second in size, fourth in population, 
               first in gross domestic product, first in technology, and we 
               write the book on weapons and tactics. But strategically 
               Canada is last if it thinks the rest of the world is going 
               to allow a non-aligned country to challenge the leagues, 
               alliances, and communities that rule the world. India is the 
               only power we can count on to stand with us. Not forever, 
               either."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        20.


               "Why worry? We are as self-sufficient as a country can be; I 
               think we import juice squeezers and that's about all. The 
               cadet program has made everybody in the country capable of 
               fighting an invasion..."

               "And justifies bombing all the people because they're 
               soldiers," Mr. Dempsey said.

               "That's the whole point, to have the bomb to deter that."

               "I can't argue with that!" Mr. Dempsey said sardonicly.

               "Do you condede?"

               "THere are ways for the rest of the world to destroy Canada's 
               power without attacking our strong points."

               "Like what?"

               "Subversion."

               I was shocked at Mr. Dempsey's choice. I had sat on the 
               sidelines for a minute and he had shown me a possible answer 
               to the Red and White puzzle. Their motives were drawn from 
               other countries and their patriotism was just a part of the 
               manipulation. I needed to confirm the idea.

               "Do you know that is whjat is happening?" I asked.

               Mr. Dempsey puffed out his chest lifted his gaze above my 
               eyes and pontificated, "...No."

               I was quite let down and I shut up.

               "Don't let him bother you," said one of the people sitting 
               wiht us. "He's only trying to sting you."

               "I'm not bothered," I claimed.

               Mr. Dempsey looked visibly plesed with himself for something 
               and then he settled down and looked serious.

               "Hands up; who's voting tomorrow?" asked Mr. Dempsey.

               Mr. Dempsey was the only one to put up his hand.

               "Is that all," he scolded, "What are there here? Ten people? - 
               yes, ten people and I'm the only one voting."

               "I don't want to register," someone told us.

               "The last referendum was only seven weeks ago. You mean you 
               didn't vote for that one either?"

               "No."

               "That was to decide on a new federal tax. Wasn't that 
               important enough?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        21.


               "No."

               "And the one before that, to extend the franchise down to 
               three year olds?"

               "That was a stupid one."

               "You could have voted against it."

               "What difference would that have made? It passed by two-thirds 
               majority."

               "Not one bit - by yourself, but if..."

               "More people like me had voted we could have turned it around 
               right?"

               "Right."

               "No, we would have only built up our expectations to be 
               disappointed. The stupid kids that already had the vote had 
               sullied the process already."

               "Why didn't you vote against them before they had the vote?"

               "I was too young then."

               "You mean, you were too young to vote?"

               Maybe if you had the vote when you were 'too young' you could 
               have voted to eliminate your chnace to ever vote at that age 
               again. Besides it's a strange arguemnt indeed when a person 
               with no true interest in the idea of voting would be against 
               the extension of the vote on the grounds that the whole idea 
               would be sullied." Mr. Dempsey seemed to turn off his 
               indignant tone when he said, "No one need vote. I have not 
               been here all that long. What right do I have to say anything 
               about it? None. All-right, I think dinner is ready. I wonder 
               how a chemist cooks dinner? Let's find out."

               Mr. Dempsey led everybody including Nicola and myself into 
               the cramped hallway that headed towards the kitchen and, I 
               gathered, to a dining hall. As I entered the hall passage 
               the crowd became blocked up ahead and started to push 
               backwards against us. I retreated with Nicola as everybody 
               pushed back to the living room with Mr. Dempsey returning 
               last. He told us, "Schubel, says dinner will be ready in ten 
               minutes. We'll go in when he tells us it's okay."

               "Another demonstration, Mr. Dempsey?" someone teased.

               We all laughed in his face. But he laughed with us and took 
               the edge off it.

               Mr. Dempsey, still laughing, shifted the focus, "Anyone have 
               any gossip?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        22.


               When the laughing had waned, there was silence at first then 
               someone said, "I heard the King of England is petitioning 
               the British foreign ministry to try and get Canada to 
               reinstate him as Head of State. I heard the Executive General 
               has protested and called a special pow-wow to deal with it."

               Mr. Dempsey looked a little annoyed and responded, "Not old 
               news, some gossip, gossip."

               A young girl offered something. "I saw Walter and Zinta 
               arguing on the way to the market square."

               "About what?" asked Mr. Dempsey.

               "I couldn't hear."

               "That's no good. Come on. Something else."

               "I was told," started a freckled man, "that Georgina Bay, in 
               fact the whole of lakes Huron and Michigan are dyed blue. 
               Probably includes all the other Great Lakes too."

               "Now that's gossip! Anything else to add to that?"

               "No."

               "Well that was a good start. Anyone else?"

               "I heard," said a heavy-set young woman, "a man that lives 
               here killed four sadistic cops for torturing a girl that 
               also lives here."

               "I heard that one," said another woman, "except, it was only 
               two cops not four."

               "Well, who was it?" asked Mr. Dempsey coyly.

               "Some guy in a coma," someone spoke out before I could catch 
               his face.

               "There's his girlfriend," I jsut saw a hand pointing at 
               Nicola.

               Nicola and I stared bewildered at each other.

               "The guy's not in a coma. This is him - the guy wiht the 
               dice on his neck," I saw a finger pointing at me.

               A ruckus started, and I became quite scared. Nicola tried to 
               calm everyone down and explain. I felt like the frisbee in 
               the game we had played earlier. I was being grabbed and 
               touched and shouted over. Then I re-interpreted what was 
               happening and saw that I was being congratulated with pats 
               on the back and words of approval.

               I began to think I had found myself in a parallel to the Red 
               and Whites. They looked sick to me until I realized they

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        23.


               were not mentioning Zinta's murder at all; only Bill and the 
               other man.

               "You're a hero!" was the most extreme comment I heard.

               I looked at Nicola again and she looked sorry. I guessed she 
               must have told someone about it. She suddenly looked behind 
               me towrads the kitchen seeming angry at whoever stood there.

               "Dinner's ready!" I heard shouted.

               The mob disperesed towards the dining area while Nicola 
               approached me.

               "I'm sorry, I told Schubel when I first arrived how you saved 
               me. Then I thought better of it  once I'd told him. I asked 
               him to keep it quiet. I should have known he wouldn't keep 
               it quiet. I'm so sorry, Bernard. I'm so sorry."

               "It's okay. I'm just surprised how they took it. I wonder 
               why they acted like that? .. Let's go eat."

               We followed the last of the mob into the dining hall while 
               others came in from outdoors.

               "That's Schubel," Nicola said pointing at a man organizing 
               the serving of dinner. The man was muslce. He wore a sweat-
               stained blue denim shirt stretched across his arms and his 
               chest. His face was sculpted muscle. He was more handsome 
               then I ever was. Even when I was still working out everyday. 
               He looked older than Nicola; about my age.

               'What a creep,' I thought healously, trying to recall why 
               Nicola derided him earlier.

               "If he is the great chemist around here," I asked Nicola, 
               "why is he the cook?"

               "That's only for this week. He wants to show off his culinary 
               skills."

               'Creep,' I said to myself.

               "Why would you go out with him?" I asked Nicola.

               Nicola smiled at me and said, "I don't think you need to be 
               gay, Bernard, to see how attractive he is."

               I grumbled for a while then, settled down when my plate 
               arrived. The meal included some white sauce laden medallions 
               of steak, chicken, and scallops; with asparagus spears, it 
               went on and on. I was amazed at the amount, quality, cost 
               (free to me) and the service of the meal. It was better than 
               any restaurant I'd been to. The taste was expressed by 
               everybody's face. The pause of shock at the taste, the grin 
               in response, and the cliche's that followed. The "Have you 
               ever ..."'s the, "I've never tasted anything so good"'s and 
               the "I'm speechless"'s. I'd wished they were speechless.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        24.


               'Creep' I thought.

               The hall held two long tables. From the other table, Mr. 
               Dempsey moaned melodramatically with every mouthful. When 
               Zinta and Walter entered last, kissing and holding hands, he 
               pretended he was going to throw up. But thinking no one was 
               watching him he didn't see the point in going on and on with 
               his prank. Mr. Dempsey had to let Schubel get all the 
               attention.

               Schubel walked over to where Nicola and I sat, put his hands 
               on Nicola's shoulders and crouched over to speak close to 
               her ear. "This meal is for you."

               I wanted to kill him, figuratively. I went nuts over the way 
               she had shook away my hand when we arrived back at the Church. 
               Schubel was the reason she didn't want people to know we had 
               become romantically involved. My face felt drained of blood 
               while I watched for any meaningful contact between Nicola 
               and Schubel.

               "Schubel this is Bernard. Bernard this is Schubel.'

               I wasn't ready to be introduced by Nicola. I had just a little 
               strength to fake a smile and when I tried I felt like a 
               vampire with dry-mouth. We shook hands then we wiped them 
               off on our trousers when we finished.

               "Oh!" Schubel said, "Bernard. Yes - this is the man that 
               saved my Nicola's life. I'd like to thank you myself." He 
               shook my hand again and we wiped our hands off again, this 
               time on our shirts for variety.

               "Schubel," Nicola interjected, "I asked you to keep all that 
               to yourself."

               "How can it hurt to tell it. It's a wonderful story."

               "But we can still get in trouble. You shouldn't have told 
               everybody.

               "I didn't, I only told the kitchen staff. Besides people 
               here love the story too."

               I took Nicola to the side and tried to clear something up, 
               "Why? Why did they react so excited and happy that I had 
               killed these two..."

               "I think they were excited because I embellished it quite a 
               lot. I made it sound like you were some secret agent or 
               something. I was happy to make you look good. It was the 
               very least I could do. I think it's good for us to play 
               politics here too. We don't want to be kicked out of here 
               too. I hid the car so we could use it if we needed to, but 
               lets play their games and make it easy on ourselves."

               I stopped listening then I saw, in my mind, the moment I 
               saved Nicola, "I was so sure it was Zinta, or Sandra, I was

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        25.


               saving. What did I think I was doing. I was so confused at 
               the time. What? Znta or Sandra? I don't need to call her 
               Sandra to myself. Zinta - Zinta, the real one. The Zinta I 
               dreamed about this morning. Why should I be so worried about 
               Nicola and her Schubel, Zinta is the only one that mattered."

               "Ready for dessert, Bernard?" Schubel said while he came up 
               to us and tapped me on the shoulder.

               "Oh! Yeah, sure."

               Schubel walked back to the kitchen while I finished the last 
               bite on my plate; a piece of steak I had plowed around in 
               what was left of the sweet white sauce.

               "You know this is the first time in years I've celebrated 
               Thanksgiving," Nicola said, "I bet you didn't even remember 
               it was Thankgiving today ... Bernard?"

               "Nicola," I interrupted, "Could you help me figure out how 
               to get a job in this town. I can't just sit around and watch 
               things happen to me. I can at least have some purpose with a 
               job."

               "Killarney is in the middle of a wilderness refuge. I don't 
               know what kind of job you could get here. The Soo and Sudbury 
               are west and east of here if you want to leave for some big 
               cities."

               "I don't want to leave."

               "I'm glad of that."

               "Are you?"

               "Yes! Don't be so jealous of Schubel. He has influence around 
               here and I don't want to upset him. That's why I didn't want 
               to hold your hand when we came in."

               "He still acts like your boyfriend."

               "He acts like that with everybody."

               "Anyway, I'm not jealous."

               "Good, because there's no reason to be."

               "Good, is there anyone else that could help me find a job?"

               "Mr. Dempsey found a job soon after he arrived here. I was 
               told that by someone. I can't remember who, though."

               "Okay, I'll ask Mr. Dempsey to help me - I'm sorry for being 
               jealous there for a second."

               "That's okay."

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                                                                        26.


               The dessert arrived at the table. I asked Nicola what it was 
               but she couldn't tell me. I asked someone across the table 
               and he didn't know either. We ate it and once again it was 
               the culinary equivalent of licking dust off a moving car - 
               no it wasn't - despite my resentment it was very good.

               When the whole experience was over the people in the hall 
               drifted out, Nicola and I with them. She and I stopped briefly 
               to exchange pleasantries with Walter and Zinta who were still 
               consuming the main course. Outside the hall, Nicola suggested 
               I talk to Mr. Dempsey right away about a job. She said she 
               had something to do on her own. She took off while I suspected 
               she was going to 'talk' to Schubel.

               I found Mr. Dempsey back in the living room and quickly 
               broached the subject of a job. I wanted to finishe up with 
               him and see if I could find out where Nicola had gone.

               Mr. Dempsey stood up from his chair, stretched, and signaled 
               with a sweep of his hand for me to follow him.

               We went outside and walked in the opposite direction from 
               the beach, a little girl sitting on a skateboard bumped and 
               squeaked as she rolled by us. She had smiled shyly at us. 
               Mr. Dempsey and I looked at each other, delighted by her 
               passing.

               "You know," Mr. Dempsey said, "the first year I taught grade 
               two, I was charmed by every child that entered my class. I 
               didn't feel that way for long. Year after year the repetition 
               made it seem that I was getting nowhere. I transferred to 
               grade twelve just to see the same students I taught in grade 
               two. It was great. I could see the change in them finally. 
               Of course a few years passed and I began to feel like I was 
               going nowhere with them too. Anyway, about a job."

               We had reached the top fo a long hill, passed the fianl house 
               on the lane and came to a very high rocky park with only one 
               tree. It was a huge oak with long branches that sifted out 
               gold shining leaves on top of us during the last few seconds 
               of sunlight for the day. When we turned to look at the sun 
               it was gone. We sat down on a plank and cast-iron bench and 
               looked out at the lake's horizon as the twilight regressed. 
               I was thinking it was a shame we had just missed the sunset 
               when Mr. Dempsey continued.

               "I have a job with a camping outfitter. I'm sure my boss 
               could use another hand. Let me tell you about it. We rent 
               all kinds of equipment for people who come from all over the 
               place, even from as far away as New Ottawa or Montreal. They 
               want to canoe, bicycle or hike. We have everything they ask 
               for, even guides. Our customers are rich people, mostly. All 
               I think I need to say more about it is that it's probably 
               the only available job in town."

               "Did you try for other ones?" I asked.

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                                                                        27.


               "It takes less than a day to cover every possibility in this 
               town," Mr. Dempsey said.

               "That settles it. Will you take me with you when you go to 
               work?"

               "After I vote."

               "Okay, after you vote."

               "There's something else I wanted to ask you."

               "What?"

               "Why aren't you teaching anymore?"

               "I want to. I just can't. I've been blackballed."

               "Why?" I asked.

               "Because of my beliefs."

               "Aren't we free in this country to say what we want?"

               "We are when it doesn't matter," he said while lifting his 
               arms and stretching. "But there are always limits on everyone. 
               You know; you can't incite rebellion or a riot. You can't 
               council someone to kill someone else. Those are the obvious 
               ones."

               "That's not a question of free speech. That's a question of 
               criminal law isn't it? Was what you said like that?"

               "It's always a question of free speech. If governments can 
               council people they call soldiers to murder. And opposition 
               parties can incite strikes or rebellions to overthrow a 
               government and get away with it, criminal law is irrelevant. 
               What you say will always be free if you have the powers that 
               run your society. They're the ones that make the criminal 
               laws for their benefit. If it's to your benefit too that's 
               an accident.

               "Why was I blackballed?" he said cutting me off from 
               responding to him. "The limits on free speech when you're a 
               teacher are not from criminal law but from standards of your 
               communities. They're not written down clearly and as a teacher 
               I wanted to test them and see what they were. Okay, well, as 
               a curious person I wanted to test them. Grade twelve was a 
               perfect grade to push my beliefs. But as I became more 
               radical, as the years passed, so did my students. Then one 
               student committed suicide after the end of the school year. 
               I wasn't blamed, but a second then a third in the following 
               years forced them to fire me."

               "To me that's a damn good reason to fire you. What did you 
               tell them?"

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                                                                        28.


               "I couldn't say in one sentence ... or in a day - You're 
               looking for a reason to blame me for these suicides, aren't 
               you?"

               "Well..."

               "Okay - well... I shouldn't care if you are - back to what I 
               taught my students -"

               "You think because I've killed people with my own hands I 
               lost my right to have an opinion?"

               "No. Speaking is neither a right nor a priviledge. You either 
               speak or you don't. If you have something to say and I can 
               hear it and understand you you've done what you wanted. 
               There's no debate on that topic."

               I realized how tensely my hands gripped the seat of the bench 
               and I relaxed them. "I'm sorry for jumping on you like that."

               "It's understandable after what has happened to you."

               "But I didn't just kill those two that were hurting Nicola. 
               There was someone I murdered. I mean really murdered. 
               Premeditated murder."

               "Are you serious?"

               "Yes, I am."

               "Why would you tell me?"

               "I already confessed to Walter, Zinta and Nicola. I don't 
               care who knows now."

               Mr. Dempsey looked ucomfortable momentarily as he straightened 
               his back, turned and looked at me more directly. "Don't tell 
               me anymore, don't confess to anyone else and let's not talk 
               about it further, okay?"

               "What do you mean? I'm planning on turning myself in. I'm 
               finally going to take some action to sort out my life. 
               Confessing is just the first step to fix everything."

               "Do it now, tonight, if you think it'll be good for you. 
               Don't involve everyone else. There's a Provincial Police 
               station on the road out of Killarney. Go ahead ... tonight."

               "I can't trust the cops. They're the ones that hired me. 
               back in Toronto, because I murdered ... Sandra. They're the 
               one's that tried to kill Nicola."

               "If that's the case, who can you turn yourself over to? - 
               Wait a second. They hired you? And you referred to them like 
               I had some previous conversation about them with you- wait - 
               wait - don't talk about it any more to me ... and stop these 
               stupid confessions.!"

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                                                                        29.


               I lifted my finger to say something; he cut me off again, 
               "Bernard, you say you can't turn yourself in, you don't seem 
               to know what is the best thing to do at the moment. So don't 
               do anything. Start afresh. You and I are going to be working 
               together, most likely, at the outfitters, and I want to offer 
               you just the chance you need to see the world in a clear 
               light. I'm going to be your teacher. A teacher that can teach 
               you the truth."

               I rubbed my head and responded, "You're a bit much. Aren't 
               you?"

               "Sorry," said Mr. Dempsey as his face turned red, "I thought 
               you'd go for that style. It doesn't change the fact I have a 
               lot I can teach you and the factg you need some direction to 
               get where you're going."

               "Where am I going?"

               "You tell me."

               "I don't know, for sure. I just wish I could put things back 
               the way they were before I murdered ... Sandra. Everything 
               was alright before that."

               "Do you mind if I ask you why you did it?"

               "I don't know for sure. We were arguing about something and 
               it happened. I had the idea it was premeditated, now I'm not 
               sure."

               "Don't you remember?"

               "I do. It just happened so quickly. Look, I don't have it on 
               video. You know what I mean? Things just happen. I can only 
               remember things I noticed. Like I keep on remembering cuts 
               on her arms. But I don't recall doing them."

               "You mean on her forearms?" My. Dempsey gesticulated 
               alternately along the veins of each of his own forearms.

               "Yeah. Why?"

               "You had cuts there - I was told when you arrived in town 
               that you did. You also had some on your head. I saw the 
               bandages on you when you were in bed. What happened to them?"

               "I didn't need them. I had no cuts, or scars."

               "There's your cheek scar you might have forgotten."

               I'd put the scar out of my mind. It must have looked hideous, 
               even Nicola didn't mention it or ask how I got it.

               I needed to ask Mr. Dempsey, "How does it look?"

               "Awful. Not much else."

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                                                                        30.


               "Don't tell me that."

               "Okay, it looks very romantic. Like you were in a duel over 
               a woman."

               "I like that better."

               "Interesting that you'd say that ....And this business with 
               the cuts and the bandages; I'm going to ask Nicola for an 
               explanation of what happened to you - ever heard of stigmata? 
               Never mind - let's go back. I'm getting cold up here and my 
               back is killing me." The mention of the word 'killing' made 
               us glance at each other very seriously for a second.

               We stood up and stretched ourselves. I patted my bum back to 
               life as a dog trotted up the cobblestone street sniffing the 
               edge of the grass. It ignored us while we started down the 
               dimly lit hill.

               Mr. Dempsey turned to me with a bounce in his step and asked, 
               "So, what do you think. You know about letting me teach you 
               everything I know?"

               "You miss teaching, don't you?"

               "Of course!"

               "Okay. You've got a student."

               "Great. Let's start now. You mentioned perception -"

               "Oh! Not now, can't it wait until tomorrow?"

               "All right. Tomorrow after I vote and find you a job. In 
               that order."

               We walked towards the end of the street and the church house 
               talking about the town we were in, Killarney. Just as Mr. 
               Dempsey was explaining how it was founded by an Ojibway, I 
               saw down an alley, behind him and out of his sight, a very 
               young couple. The boy had one hand rubbing between the girl's 
               legs. It made me so distracted that as we walked into the 
               house Mr. Dempsey had to repeat several times instruction on 
               how to find his room. I wandered around the main floor looking 
               for Nicola. Then I began to ask people where Schubel was. 
               Both Nicola and Schubel had gone out together soon after Mr. 
               Dempsey and I had left on our walk. I was furious. Even though 
               I had decided I had no reason to be jealous about her, I 
               still felt jealous - and vengeful.

               I stormed through the house looking for a way to get even. 
               From room to room I searched for something, something 
               deliberately non-violent. Even though my mind set was far 
               from doing anything violent, I sensed my past could repeat 
               itself at anytime. I passed many women int he halls and in 
               rooms high on the crystal pamphlets. I considered the 
               seduction of any of them as p roper revenge, but I didn't 
               have the skill to do it. I'd never done it before. My previous

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                                                                        31.


               experiences were not initiated by me. Zinta, Wen and now 
               Nicola, tha ttoal sum of my sexual history, all of them had 
               done the seduction.

               'It's time I changed,' I thought. I turned away fronm my 
               unknown destination and returned to a room I had passed by. 
               It had two women, neither of whom would be an embarrassment 
               to seduce.

               "How is the crystal?" I asked both the women.

               "The best Schubel has made," the one with thick glasses on 
               the left answered.

               "Yeah! Wow! It's like I was as blind as her before I took 
               it," the one on the right said from under a mass of tangled 
               black hair She pulled her hair away from her face and looked 
               at me. "Youknow what I mean?"

               "Oh I do" I said.

               "Look at him, Richara, it's that guy who saved that girl."

               Richara pushed her glasses back on her nose and said, "Wow! 
               You're a real superman, eh? You don't need the crystal to 
               feel it I bet."

               The woman with the tangled hair suddenly laughed and stared 
               even harder at my face, "Do you see what I see Richara?"

               "What?" Richara answered.

               "Look at his face. He's looking for sex with us."

               I opened my mouth but couldn't deny her claim. I wondered if 
               I had an erection but I didn't. Even though sex wasn't exactly 
               what I was looking for I let her claim stand. I thought it 
               might hurry things along now that it was in the open. How 
               had she guessed it? I knew it must have been the crystal 
               drug. I remembered that it made me see better and more 
               directly at the time of the wedding.

               "I'm sorry B.. What's your name?" asked Richara.

               "Bernard."

               "Bernard, she and I are lovers. We don't like men in that 
               way. I'm sorry to let you down." They let out a short laugh 
               and waited for my reaction.

               I fidgeted with the dice around my collar and was about to 
               walk away when I stopped myself and asked for some of the 
               crystal drug. They obliged me and even showed me how little 
               tot ake. I considred ti was possible that if they could see 
               into people so well because of the drug then could too.

               The first time I took the drug I had passed out, the second 
               time I had felt like a god at being able to command the

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                                                                        32.


               attention of all my guests at my wedding. My third experience 
               began with a ghost whipsering in my ear.

               "What did you say?" I asked the ghost.

               'I love you.' The ghost tickled my ear as she whispered. I 
               turned to look at the face of the ghost and while she seemed 
               to feel like someone I knew, I didn't recognize her. I walked 
               away from the room containing Richara and the other woman to 
               see if the ghost would follow. She did. We stopped and stood 
               together in a quiet passage. I asked her if she was real or 
               just in my mind.

               'If you can't tell, then it doesn't matter,' she said, 'I 
               want you to find me again, please, I've missed you.'

               "I know I want you too. But aren't you something I once 
               loved?"

               'Yes, but I was never a person.' Suddenly the image of her 
               evaporated and I was left smelling a hidden rose.

               I'd loved it once.

               IV

               'A ghost!' I said to myself, 'I find a ghost when I'm looking 
               for vengeance.'

               I felt the air with my hands to see if the ghost was still 
               around and headed to my room to give up for the night and 
               sleep.

               As I came to the bottom of the stairs that led to my room I 
               could see that the lights wsere on in my room. I forgave 
               Nicola then. I knew it was her. I ran to the top of the stairs 
               and stopped myself before I turned the corner, I was a little 
               dizzy from the crystal drug. I took a breath full of sexual 
               anticipation and turned the corner. "-Zinta?"

               "Keep your voice down."

               "What are you doing here?"

               Zinta turned off the light in my room and invited me to sit 
               down on the bed. "I wanted to chat with you," she said.

               I waited long enough for my eyes to adjust to the darkness 
               before I did as she asked. The roof window allowed some 
               moonlight to show me how close I was to Zinta as I sat 
               uncomfortably beside her waiting to hear what she wanted to 
               say.

               "I hate Walter with all my heart ..." she said.

               "Yes?" I said while looking around for something.

               "Let's not talk about him."

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                                                                        33.


               "Okay."

               "I want to know why you were calling out my name in your 
               sleep. I was told you looked happy as you said my name."

               "I ... I..." I was not going to tell her anything but them I 
               changed my mind and lied to her. "Did you visit me when I 
               was sleeping?"

               "Yes, I did."

               "I'm just trying to explain it to myself. So just bear with 
               me for a second, will you?"

               She nodded.

               "I dreamed about you. It was you, your face in my dream. I 
               must have opened my eyes and saw you unconsciously."

               "Yes, I talked to Nicola once when I visited. She must have 
               said my name, you saw me and put my name and face together. 
               That's what happened. I see now."

               I nodded with my eyes wide open with relief that she finished 
               my story for me.

               "What did you dream about? Can you remember?"

               "Does it matter?" I asked.

               Suddenly my Zinta-Sandra came in the room with a finger 
               vertically across her lips saying 'Shhhh. Don't speak.'

               She reminded me of my recent ghost visitation but she was a 
               more fully developed spirit. I was so happy to see her. Then 
               I felt guilty that I'd been caught with this other woman, 
               but I tried not to show it.

               Zinta-Sandra came up behind me and wrapped her arms around 
               my body letting her hands come to rest inside the front of 
               my underwear. Her hands were cold. She whispered, 'I want 
               you to let me go. We're finished you know. I want you to 
               move on and I want to move on. She wants you. Listen, she's 
               asking you a question.'

               "For the third time, Bernard... okay let me make my question 
               more obvious this time. Would you like to spend some time 
               together? Without Nicola or Walter knowing?"

               My Zinta-Sandra was massaging me, making me erect and saying, 
               'Think of her name, it's my name. When you think ofme, think 
               of her instead.' Zinta-Sandra took her hands away from my 
               pants, lifted my right arma nd pushed my hand towards the 
               other Zinta's breasts. When my fingers were close enough to 
               feel the heat pulsing urom under the thin shirt, Zinta-Sandra 
               tickled my ear with her tongue then she turned into a flame 
               that dispersed in every direction.

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                                                                        34.


               "Zinta!" I whispered desperately.

               "Yes?" the new Zinta replied.

               With my fingers stopped at the verge of caressing her nipple, 
               I decided I would tell her the dream I had, while I finished 
               what I had intended, to grab her breast with my whole hand 
               and push her against the mattress.

               "You really want to know what I dreamed about?" I said while 
               I straddled over her, looking down at her grey and blakc 
               eyes.

               She shivered as she breathed in. Then said, "Yes, I want you 
               to show me."

               The dream was on a farm with a tree and it was about the 
               first time I had ever made love. There was no way to show 
               the new Zinta. I looked at her desire to know about the dream 
               as a ploy to get close enough to seduce me. I tossed out the 
               old dream, I decided again to lie. This time it would be for 
               her pleasure. The crystal drug gave me all the answers, it 
               seemed.

               "Not only am I going to show you my dream I'm going to 
               describe everything you can't see."

               "Yes. Do what you want," Zinta said then took another 
               shivering breath. She closed her eyes and smiled.

               I let go of her breast and lifted her shirt over her head; 
               her curly black hair was the last to come out. It fell like 
               heavy rain on her naked shoulders. I undid her pants but 
               stopped undressing her when I noticed her stomach rising and 
               falling. I had to kiss it. As my lips explored, there was a 
               fine hair all over her stomach and chest. Every time my lips 
               began to slide up her peach-like breasts I was tempted to 
               take a huge bite out of them. I didn't though, I figured the 
               pain would spoil the mood. I pushed myself up to finish taking 
               off her pants and began telling my dream.

               "Zinta, can you hear?" I asked, checking the level of my 
               voice.

               "Yes, I'm so wet."

               She was right; with her panties off I could smell her. But a 
               spice smell came from it too, a cinnamon aroma. I looked at 
               her swollen clitoris at the apex of a triangle of short hair. 
               I was distracted.

               I tried again to get my dream started, "I was alone in the 
               most beautiful place in the world... In a resort over-looking 
               the palaces of New Ottawa." My nose followed the cinnamon 
               aroma towards her clitoris. I pictured in my mind, looking 
               for inspiration, the poster of New Ottawa that once hung in 
               my old flat.

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                                                                        35.


               "You see I was on a beach. A soft beach, cool sand. A small 
               whale - you know the kind with the unicorn horn?" I realized 
               I was going in the wrong direction with my dream, sex was 
               the topic not nature. "Okay, well ...okay, lets forget that 
               part. You were with me. You and I had just made some big 
               deal in the Parliament. You and I are powerful ministers." 
               The tip of my nose was wet where I had touched her clitoris. 
               "You and I had never kissed, never done anything sexual 
               together." My voice as soft as it was, bellowed off her inner 
               thighs when my mouth held off from tasting her cinnamon 
               sheath. I mumbled, "And then we ... uh... hovered around 
               each other like cats scenting someone's in heat."

               "I didn't hear that," she moaned.

               I didn't bother repeating myself. I pointed my tongue and 
               flicked it into the smooth, sopping flesh. The taste was 
               cinnamon but mostly the taste that Zinta-Sandra had. I 
               wondered if that was what she meant when she said, "Think of 
               her when you think of me."

               She pressed her legs around my face. I sunk my tongue in 
               deeply. But after a few seconds I started to be smothered 
               with her thighs clenching the sides of my head. I desperately 
               pushed apart her legs just to get a clear breath.

               "Anything wrong?" she asked.

               "No," I said while standing on my knees and wiping my mouth.

               She sat up on the edge of the bed, her breasts sinking 
               slightly. She undid my pants and grabbed my erection.

               "Did you have a bath today?" she suddenly asked.

               I told that I couldn't remember and she asked me to go have 
               a quick one. Even though I was annoyed at her fanatical health 
               kick I quickly did as she asked and came back to her when I 
               was still damp.

               She pulled up my erection to her lips, making me stand up on 
               my toes to bring it closer to her mouth. She licked it, pulled 
               it between her lips. With my erection still in her mouth, I 
               stepped out of the bath robe.

               My hands stroked her curly hair and could sense the length 
               her head travelled to go up and down my erection. My erection 
               told me the same story from another point of view. It was 
               warm and wet, almost happening externally from my body. Then 
               she used a hand with her mouth and it all started to happen 
               the way it would when Zinta-Sandra and I would make love.

               'No more, Zinta-Sandra,' I remembered. 'Only one Zinta from 
               now on. My first Zinta is Sandra to everyone in the Church, 
               she will be Sandra to me as well.'

               Zinta then sent a shimmering moment into me with her slippery 
               hand and throat. My eyes rolled up, looking past the skylight

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                                                                        36.


               into the stars. A snake raced around my skin, neck and hair, 
               so fast a whirlwind was being created, lifting me off the 
               ground and leaving Zinta behind. I rose through the skylight 
               naked and cold, accelerating like in a glass elevator away 
               from the Church and the town of Killarney into space and 
               travelling at an infinite speed toward... Toward...TOWARD...

               V

               "M m m m" said Zinta with her mouth full and about to swallow.

               TOWARD a single moment of pleasure, I thought. The crystal 
               drug was at me again, running on like an old car does, it 
               had sent me on a space trip this time.

               Zinta was still desirable when I looked down at her, even 
               though I came once already. I crouched down in front of her 
               and kissed her sticky lips. With one finger I stroked her 
               stomach from side to side inching down with each stroke until 
               I was tickling the smooth hair ornamenting her sheath.

               She lay back to let me do whatever I wanted to do next.

               I dipped my finger in her sheath and tickled her from the 
               inside. My finger felt the inside wall of her and imaged to 
               my mind some fantastic landscape with green rolling hills 
               and lustrous dew-laden grass; each dew drop containing, on 
               close examination, green hills, a blue sky and a sun of its 
               own.

               'God what does thata crystal do!' I thought.

               Zinta thrust up her pelvis in reaction to my finger's 
               movements. She stayed quiet though. I began to worry about 
               being discovered. Anyone could walk up the stairs into my 
               room. I decided to move along more quickly in my love-making. 
               I lay next to Zinta kissing her and playfully biting her 
               closed lips. She turned her back to me and pulled my erection 
               between her legs. I caressed her breast while she mounted 
               me. She thrust once against me and stopped moving. She stopped 
               breathing to listen. I stopped breathing and listened too. I 
               couldn't hear anything. Zinta suddenly slipped off me and 
               stood up next to the bed.

               "I thought I ears some-hing. I guess I was wong. Bu now I 
               tink."  She was talking like she hadn't ... did she swallow 
               yet?, "I've don the wong fing. I shouldn' do this. It doesn't 
               matter if I ate Waler. I ave obligations. Huh? I'm sorry 
               Bernard."

               "Please don't change your mind." I became disgusted with 
               her.

               "Ie's othing ooh do with you. I jus feel guilty all of a 
               sudden."

               "Please don't." I tried to ignore her mouth's contents.

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                                                                        37.


               She balanced it in her mouth like it was toothpaste, "An't 
               help it. Everying everyody says about aultery makes me feel 
               itly. I can't risk his protection of the church for my little 
               pleasures. O-ay. It'sso differen to acually do it and not 
               jus think aout it. You know?

               "I'd agree if you'd not stopped. You are only the second 
               person I've done this with."

               "Me oo. I though Waler was so gweat. Now I know."

               "Now you know what?"

               "He's no the on-wy one. I neede' to know was that there was 
               an alwernaive. E made it seem like ere was no alwernawive."

               "Thank's"

               "For wha?"

               "For calling me a great lover."

               "Oh, that. Les forget it."

               I was a little ticked off by her saying forget it. I wasn't 
               sure why.

               "You implied I was a great lover a second ago," I said, "Then 
               you need to think about it to confirm what you had said 
               already? You know... that I'm a great lover?"

               "Ell you know wha I mean."

               "No, I don't." I got dressed in a suppressed rage pulling on 
               my underwear as though my chest was the natural resting place 
               for the waist band.

               "You wook silly," she told me. "Let me fix that."

               She stood up and pulled down the waist band to my hips.

               I almost screamed at he to swallow that come or spit it out, 
               but it was her mouth and I assumed she wasn't stupid.

               She continued while still touching me around the waist. "I 
               weally ad someone else in min whe I mean gweat lover. Ya see 
               I was fanasizing bout someone else whe I was makin wove oo 
               you. Sorra. Acually you were a one I was making wove oo."

               I was shocked but I had my own reply, "That's funny I did 
               too."

               Zinta smiled then laughed a little. "Oo ad someone else win 
               mine en you were ma-ing wove to me. Who? Who?"

               "You tell me first."

               "Oh, ou well me first."

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                                                                        38.


               "No" I said. "What does it matter. Your spat of guilt, as 
               long as it lasts, has finished that whole business between 
               us. What do we need to talk about it further for?" I couldn't 
               stnad her talk anymore.

               She smiled again coyly with her fingers hooking and snapping 
               back the waist-band of my underwear against my skin. 
               "Maybeee... it's not finisht between us. Aaaaa-n aybe the 
               idea hat I was fantasizing about some other man or woman - 
               see I didn't say which, did I - maybe I was lying."

               She rocked from foot to foot as she spoke stimulating her 
               hard nipples against my chest. I subtly echoed her rocking 
               movements.

               "Why would you lie to me?" I finally asked.

               "Oh oy, your hard again," she said as she wrapped herself 
               around me.

               With Zinta the ocnfusion was at an end. I may have killed 
               someone now named Sandra but whatever it was that I thought 
               I had lost by that act, I could find it again.

               "Now what's wrong?" I said as Zinta peeled her body away 
               from me again.

               "Same pwobem, guilt," she said and started to dress.

               Could you please swallow that goddamm stuff!" I sweat fromt 
               he frustration of talking to her like that for so long.

               "Yeah! Is unsaniwary. I spif it out soon."

               "Why did you do it in the first place then? There's a sink 
               in my bathroom right there," I said and pointed, "Oh forget 
               it, let's just call it for the night." I went and hugged her 
               as if to say good-bye.

               "Yeah, le's nake it foe-ever."

               "What?" I said suppressing the volume of my yell.

               She wrenched herself out of my arms saying, "Et your hands 
               off me."

               Once I let go, I watched her stumble away and hit her heels 
               on the floorboards like it was a kettle drum.

               "Shhhh," I told her, pointing at her feet.

               As she threw on all her clothes she eventually said, "Shhhh 
               yerself. Why did you want to call it a night?"

               I held my breath to catch up with her, then said, "I wanted 
               to give you ... you know ... a little time to get over your 
               gult. You know ... to get over the feeling you were having."

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                                                                        39.


               "I an take care of I-self ou know."

               Next, I guess, I rolled my eyes or blinked in an exasperated 
               way because she blew into a silent rage, gesticulating as 
               though she was pulling out her hair then she walked out of 
               the room.

               As I listened to her steps descend to the next level, I 
               waited, expecting her to change her mind at any moment and 
               come back and claim to be the queen of Ecuador.

               I flopped on the bed, face down into a pillow. 'What is her 
               problem! What is her damn problem!' I slowly rolled over on 
               my back and looked out beyond the skylight at the quite 
               ordinary stars out there somewhere in the universe. I wondered 
               what to do next as I fell asleep in my clothes.

               'Oh, Julie. If you wore a harness to bed maybe ytou would 
               stop rolling on me and I wouldn't have this chronic breathing 
               problem Youknow what the doctor said, my lungs are totally 
               flat....

               'How could my lungs be flat? Am I dreaming? Let's see. Julie 
               and I are married - no we're not. We're just friends - always 
               have been I've been dreaming. What a relief I was never 
               married to Julie. Julie's somewhere else. I'm not in Toronto 
               am I? I'm up north ... somewhere. I remember now - Oh no - I 
               remember everything. Oh damn!'

               I opened my eyes a crack. It was a grey day on the other 
               side of the skylight.

               'Today I get a job. Find Mr. Dempsey, see if her can help me 
               like he said he would. OH! Man! I've got to talk to zinta 
               before she wants to kick me out of the church ... some church 
               of god.. Their all just druggies here. Ah ... That damn 
               Schubel - and Nicola, what the hell was she up to last night?'

               I got out of bed slowly and went to the bathroom to get ready 
               to look for Mr. Dempsey.

               As I took off my clothes, my mind flashed moments of the 
               night with Zinta - the good parts - her breasts, her strength. 
               I was sorry she couldn't decide how she felt. I realized 
               that I was wrong to conclude she ws crazy, she felt guilty 
               and it made her indecisive. That's all that was wrong.

               "I'd look crazy,' I figured, 'To anyone watching me over the 
               last few weeks.'

               Having just reflected on my recent past, I went downstairs 
               in a very anxious state; ready to run from the first person 
               I saw, fearful of where they might lead me.

               'Hey I'm the one who wanted to get the job, I'm the one that 
               suggested it to Mr. Dempsey. Maybe I do have control of my 
               life again. Maybe I shouldn't be so sared.'

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                                                                        40.


               Even so, I passed several people without asking them where 
               Mr. Dempsey was, just in case they might cause another 
               misdirection in my life. I found Mr. Dempsey in the living 
               room with Nicola having a nice chat with her.

               "Are you ready to take me to your work, Mr. Dempsey?" I asked.

               "Good morning Bernard," said Nicola.

               I nodded to Nicola without smiling. She got the hint that I 
               wasn't happy with her.

               "We've been ... ah" said Mr. Dempsey "comparing notes on 
               your 'blood letting' on the way up here from Toronto. We've 
               arrived at a rather strange conclusion."

               "He has," said Nicola pointing at the teacher.

               "Yes, well - I don't think it's a coincidence that the severe 
               bleeding you experienced on your forearms and head is the 
               same kind of bleeding you say you inflicted on your late 
               girlfriend. I've come to the hasty conclusion that your 
               bleeding was stigmata. I think the proof is the simple fact 
               that you healed these severe cuts on your head and forearms, 
               without the slightest scarring, in minutes. It's like a ... 
               like a faith sickness. It's my guess you identified with the 
               suffering you put your firlgrined thourhg. So much so that 
               your mind and your emotions worked together to create these 
               fissures on your own skin - So what do you think of my 
               theory?"

               "Are we going to look for a job for me this morning?" I asked 
               him.

               "You know, I thought it was such a good explanation. I'm 
               sorry you didn't like it." Mr. Dempsey didn't look fazed in 
               the slightest by my brush off. In fact it made him look quite 
               content.

               "The job?" I insisted.

               "Yes. Yes. I made a quick phone call to my employer. You've 
               got a job."

               "Great!" I was so relieved that I didn't care what job it 
               was, or what it paid. I had a job and it was the start of my 
               new life. I stood in front of Nicola and Mr. Dempsey, smiling 
               and giving a long sigh.

               "Hello? Bernard? You want to know what your job is?"

               "Oh sure,"

               "The equivalent of a pack horse and dishwasher. The guide 
               they have for the cross-country bicycle expeditions said 
               they needed the extra hand on the long trips. It's not a 
               great jhob. It doesn't pay well."

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                                                                        41.


               "I don't mind. I look forward to it - when do I start?"

               "In a couple of days. They'll only pay for the days you work. 
               In cash if you want; once you finish each trip. Is that all-
               right?"

               "Oh yeah!"

               "You can come with me to work today and get yourself 
               familiarized with the job if you want. I doubt it's a job 
               that calls for much training. Still, come alongin case you 
               have any questions."

               "I'd like to, thanks."

               I sat down on a couch next to Nicola and we stared uneasily 
               at each other.

               She worked her face into a smile and asked, "Had breakfast?"

               I delayed longer than would be expected before I answered, 
               "No."

               "Let's go have some," she said with guilt laden enthusiasm.

               We stood up together and said good-bye to Mr. Dempsey. Then 
               there was a knock at the door. Nicola answered it as I went 
               into the kitchen to wait for her to catch up.

               "Zinta! Door!" I heard Nicola yell upstairs. Then she came 
               into the kitchen with me and pressed a stray red bang to the 
               to of her head from in front of her eye. "Delivery guy from 
               the drug store. I hear Zinta's a real hypochondriac. He said 
               it was 'results'. What kind? I would bet it's for some disease 
               that's extinct, like AIDS."

               I took a quick look out the door and saw Zinta paying off 
               the guy. When she caught a glance at me she looked guilty 
               for the night before and the way she had treated me. She ran 
               off with her 'results'