GROUND ZERO

               Chapter I

               'Justice? Is this kind of justice going to solve anything? 
               People are going on and on wanting deep down to be dead, to 
               be in oblivion. Why shouldn't they get some justice too? Why 
               am I so thoughtless of everybody else? Walter's wife not 
               only tricked me but the baby too. Why should sex be allowed 
               to force someone into the world, or to let people suffer 
               like Walter is right now? That cat with the broken back that 
               I saw on the street. The vet had no trouble understanding 
               that it should be put to sleep - a perfect word for it. Don't 
               we just all want to go to sleep, in peace, forever? Walter 
               wanted to do it too. So he's scared? So what? Why shouldn't 
               I do it for him? Why shouldn't I take pity on him too?'

               With my last moments I was going to at least help Walter to 
               follow me into oblivion. I took the gun out of my mouth and 
               turned to Walter as rigidly as a door swinging closed on a 
               gas chamber and pointed it at his head.

               Walter suddenly burst from his tense posture and said, "You 
               wanted to do this for Zinta. And I understood which Zinta, 
               right? How did I know that your girlfriend was also named 
               Zinta?"

               "No! What are you talking about?" I said. "I decided I would 
               do one unselfish act before I died. I know you want to kill 
               yourself, so I'll do it for you."

               "What??"

               "There's no point in arguing, I know you want to kill 
               yourself. You couldn't have been clearer about it."

               "It was all a joke! Honest! I don't want to die. I was just 
               ... just... I work for the Red and Whites. I was ordered to 
               kill you. I don't want to die...everything I said was worked 
               out on a computer model - I used your history and imputed 
               Dempsey's ideas and it told me what to tell you to make you 
               commit suicide. It was all because of orders - you know how 
               the Red and Whites are. I had no choice - I had to." Then he 
               started to laugh hysterically,"-look the whole thing is just 
               a big mix up. The gun's not loaded it's just one of Mr. 
               Dempsey's demonstrators - you know how far he goes at times - 
               hell I almost started to believe what I was telling you - 
               you know how that is?"

               I couldn't answer him. My mouth was open again - it was a 
               habit after all.

               "I ... I..." I said, then he lunged at me and bit the gun 
               out of my hand. A real bullet exploded out of my hand into 
               the ground,. I was too confused and exhausted to fight him. 
               He picked up the gun, rolled away from me and pointed it at

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                                                                         2.


               me. He was aiming at my head and froze his movements without 
               shooting.

               "What's going on?" I said still not fully understanding that 
               he was a Red and White.

               He didn't answer. He started to squeeze on the trigger then 
               froze again. I didn't move from where I fell and I looked at  
               the fear exposed on Walter's face.

               For a minute or more neither of us moved in the dirt.

               I asked him again what was going on. He didn't answer and I 
               tried to figure out which one of my new ideas were the result 
               of Walter's manipulations.

               "How could you do all this?" I asked.

               Once again he only aimed at my head.

               "Why don't you shoot?" I asked then realized how dumb it was 
               to ask.

               His aim began to waver until he quickly ran away from me a 
               few metres and pointed the gun at me from a further distance.

               He relaxed a bit and cursed to himself. I'm so stupid - I'm 
               so stupid!"

               "They want revenge for my murdering Bill, don't they?" I 
               said with a wavering voice.

               "Just don't move," he said between mumbled curses.

               "What changed you so much? Why can't you be a soldier? can't 
               you follow orders?" I said, challenging him again despite my 
               partially recovered survival instincts. I guessed I just 
               couldn't reject all the ideas that drove me towards my death.

               "I don't know!" he responded.

               I could see a way out of this and I nervously pursued it.

               I said, "Did you know Bill and what he did down in Toronto?"

               "I knew what he did."

               "Why would you want to avenge him?! He was a killer."

               "So are you, you fat hypocrite."

               "Yeah, but you don't want to be do you? That's why you tried 
               to make me kill myself, didn't you? So you could wash your 
               hands of it. Right?'

               Walter pointed the gun down.

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                                                                         3.


               "You're a hypocrite yourself," I said. "Hey, I know I'm not 
               any better. But you can't trick someone into killing 
               themselves and then pretend you didn't do it. You're as bad 
               as anyone."

               "I'm fighting for a good cause and if I need to kill for 
               that cause then I'm going to do it."

               "What the hell is the cause? What cause do the Red and Whites 
               fight for anyway.? They only lied to me. They said it was 
               for the country. What a bunch of crap that was," I said just 
               in time before I nervously gulped.

               "The ned of war," Walter said.

               "Oh my God - how's that done? Kill everybody? And where does 
               revenge come in? How does vengeance co-exist with that great 
               cause? You know I was trying to stop Bill from killing Nicola - 
               I was saving her from Bill... what would you do in the same 
               situation? Let her die? They ... the Red and Whites - used 
               us not because we were good people for a good cause but 
               because we were bad people needed for a bad cause. Bill wanted 
               me because of what I did to my girlfriend. What did you do? 
               Why did they want you?"

               Walter covered his face in shame, but sat too far away for 
               me to make any move against him.

               "It doesn't matter anymore."

               "Tell me."

               "It doesn't matter."

               "What you did made you afraid of blood, didn't it?"

               "It doesn't matter."

               "It does matter to you. Why are you afraid of blood and 
               killing and all that?"

               Then Walter relaxed and sat as though we were at a picnic. 
               He said, "Buddha told me what would happen if I did certain 
               things."

               "What things?" I asked on the verge of a laugh.

               "He came down in a cigar shaped UFO and put a pistol to my 
               brain and told me about the endless suffering I would go 
               through if I killed even the most irritating fly. He told 
               me! Then he said if I could prove to be possessing the courage 
               necessary, by never hurting a single living thing again, he 
               would take me off the wheel of suffering. Then Buddha cut 
               off his own hand and bled to death - the blood was everywhere 
               and I had to see the Buddha die in front of me - The blood 
               was all over me."

               He was nuts. I saw how I could get him.

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                                                                         4.


               "Are you a Buddhist?" I had to ask.

               "No," he responded.

               I wasn't too surprised at that. Then I picked up the thread 
               of an idea. "You eat meat right?" I said.

               "Yeah."

               "Then you're partly responsible for the suffering of that 
               animal - You eat plants and things like that, right?"

               "Yeah, but..."

               "Yeah but-" I interrupted, "Haven't you ever seen how plants 
               suffer int he hands of a cook - don't ask me, just look in 
               any high-school textbook. You can't avoid making things suffer - 
               as long as you're alive that is. It seems to me that the 
               Buddha said he didn't want you to ever make any living thing 
               suffer but I don't see how you're going to avoid it. You see 
               the Buddha was trying to tell you something when he killed 
               himself. He said to have courage, right? Then he demonstrated 
               what kind he wanted - right? It's obvious he wants you to 
               kill yourself. Can it be an accident that you find yourself 
               int eh situation that you do? After all that you said to me. 
               It must have rubbed off on you. That's probably what Buddha 
               wanted to happen. Now he wants you to prove your courage and 
               faith in him - right? I must have been sent by Buddha to be 
               the one to interpret your Vision."

               "It was real."

               "A real vision. I meant to say that. Buddha wants you to 
               prove your courage for him - right? You have the gun. You 
               can't kill me so you must have it so that you can kill 
               yourself." I ran out of things to say to him and decided to 
               wait and see what he would do. I picked grass out of the 
               ground but never took my eyes away from his movements. He 
               lay on his back looking up into the sky and I could tell he 
               was crying.

               "Just leave."

               "What?"

               "Get out of here."

               "You want me to leave?"

               "Yeah, walk."

               I carefully pushed myself off the ground to my feet keeping 
               my eyes on Walter. I backed away until the six by six was 
               between him and me then I ran back towards the road. I 
               couldn't believe how desperate I was to survive. It didn't 
               make any sense to me after knowing the only answer to life 
               was death. I believed it still, but I was letting my instincts

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                                                                         5.


               take over and the last thing my instincts were going to let 
               me do was to get hurt.

               'Oh God, why did I have to get Walter's wife pregnant? Why? 
               What a mistake - Why did I want to survive - I don't want to 
               survive - I never wanted to survive.'

               A sound happened. So faint I had to think about it for a few 
               seconds and determine where I heard it come from before I 
               realzied that it was a gunshot. At first I ran then stopped. 
               A whirling guilt spun from my brain through my body and I 
               stopped to listen. I heard only background sounds of tree 
               tops playing in the wind and birds talking to each other. 
               Nothing. I thought about calling out to Walter. But changed 
               my mind. 'He's better off I guess. If he really did it.'

               I continued to the highway and started to walk towards 
               Killarney. A few cars passed me in my direction as I tried 
               to hitch a ride.

               A car from Killarney passed me then turned around and stopped 
               beside me. A tense looking man opened the passenger door and 
               asked me if I wanted a ride into town.

               "Aren't you leaving town? You didn't need to turn around for 
               me.," I said.

               "Yeah, I guess I didn't need to. but it won't hurt to use up 
               ten minutes to do someone a favour."

               I got in and immediately he turned the car around again and 
               headed away from town.

               "What the hell are you doing?" I said.

               "Hello, Bernard." He grinned as he blurted my name. Then he 
               pistol-whipped me while driving witht he other hand. I tried 
               to defend my head by the third blow, but he stopped, and 
               stuck the gun inmy ear and pushed until the other side of my 
               head was squished against the passenger window. "Don't you 
               recognize me Bernard? Eh? Don't you, eh? You fuckin' - fuckin' 
               bastard! Look at me. Look at my face."

               He pushed my ear so hard witht he barrel I had to turn my 
               head to relieve the pressure. I looked at his face but I 
               couldn't recognize him.

               He pressed even harder against my head until I thought he'd 
               ripped my ear. 'Oh my God, help.'

               "You seemed to know who I was a week ago. You said I killed 
               your fuckin' girlfriend."

               I still didn't know what was going on.

               "I'm one of the two cops that saw your handiwork with your 
               girlfriend. Remember that?"

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                                                                         6.


               "Ah-huh" I mumbled submissively.

               "I was at your wedding with my partner. We just missed you. 
               You ran off with those anrachists. Remember?"

               "Yeah," I said.

               "I wish we never hired you." He took the gun out of my ear 
               as he turned the car into the woods where I'd left Walter.

               He stopped the car and told me to get out with him. Together 
               we walked towards Walter's six by six, the gun pointing in 
               my direction. Without talking, the cop let me fall behind as 
               we came closer to Walter's vehicle. The cop didn't notice 
               that I refused to look behind the vehicle and alone he 
               continued until I could see in his face indifference forced 
               into his sad expression as he saw what I suspected was only 
               the brainstem of a mind once known as Walter.

               The cop pulled out a jack-knife and cut something out of the 
               clothes of Walter's body. He stood up and showed it to me. 
               It looked like a wire of some kind.

               "Tricky fuck, aren't you? Turned the tables on him, huh?" He 
               laughed bitterly, "I heard your whole sad encounter - aaaw- 
               what a poor guy you are. We've been bugging you for a while 
               too," he walked over to me and pulled at a shirt I wore. 
               "How do you think Walter knew you were bopping his wife? Did 
               you bop her because of her name? Thought you could change 
               what you did by bopping a girl that happens to have the same 
               name as your precious murder victim? Zinta! Has a ring to 
               it. Eh? Not to me though. Walter had you bugged all the time, 
               you know. How do you think he knew you were coming back to 
               Killarney from you little trip with Sam the Defense Man. A 
               little birdy? We bug everybody."

               He turned away from me and headed back to the car, "All's 
               well that ends well, right?"

               I realized I should follow him and I caught up.

               "What do you mean?" I said with a dry throat.

               "You can never leave the Red and Whites, Bernard. Either we 
               can use you or you get killed. You'd be dead the moment I 
               saw you if something didn't just come up all of a sudden." 
               He walked without even glancing at me.

               "Wally - the stupid coward - should have done you in at his 
               first chance. I came from Toronto to see what the fuck is 
               taking him so long and I find Wally's back tapes but no 
               Wally."

               The cop gets in his car and waves his pistol at me for me to 
               get in too.

               "So I play his bugged meetings and what do I discover, that 
               dimwitted Defense man offering youa job in his office. Wally

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                                                                         7.


               didn't know the latest problems we've had since the 
               referendum, hell neither did I until I was halfway up here, 
               so he doesn't get to see the opportunity this is. I turn on 
               you bug, then Wally's, and guess what? I'm going to hear you 
               both kill yourselves! Great! Bad timing. I thought it was 
               over. But what a turn around. Whamo - the game is on again. 
               I'm glad you killed him cause he was nuts. Wasn't he?

               "I want you to take Sam's job offer as soon as you can. Forget 
               about refusing, if you want to live long enough to hear the 
               end of your refusal come out of your mouth. And forget about 
               tricking me. You'll never know if who you're going to be 
               dealing with on the other side is one of our people. Not 
               everyone we have is as slow as Wally was. You do what I say 
               and you and Nicola will live to see grandhcildren fall off 
               bicycles - you get it?"

               We were driving towards Killarney as I carefully listened 
               and nodded yes. 'When is this going to end?' I thougth 
               desparingly.

               "I shouldn't be so hard on you. After all you promoted me to 
               head of the Red and Whites by knocking off Bill. Battlefield 
               appointment, you know."

               I felt compelled to ask, "If you're the head of this now 
               then maybe you could tell me why you're doing all these 
               things."

               "Hey, don't try to pull that on me. Why is this? - Why is 
               that? I heard up balls up Wally on that score. You don't 
               need to know. As far as you're concerned it's for world peace 
               and little Nicola - on top of your own life."

               "What is it you want me to do?" I asked.

               "The referendum turned out ot be a big cover-up. They already 
               have the weapons. We just figured it out yesterday. You just 
               have to tell us what you find out when you get the job." He 
               came to a stop just outside the carpark in Killarney and 
               told me to get out.

               "That's all you're going to tell me?" I said as I stepped 
               out.

               "You bet."

               "Tell me your name at least."

               He smiled and said, "To you, I'm Buddy."

               I closed the door and he drove away.

               'Maybe - Maybe I can still get out of this .... life ... at 
               some point.'

               If I was going to get this job I knew I had to hurry and 
               find Sam. I ran into town asking where the Killarney Inn was

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                                                                         8.


               and eventually If ound it on the south side of town. At the 
               front desk I was told I would need to send him a message by 
               hand to his room. She explained he was against having a phone 
               within reach of his easily tempted mind.

               Sam came down to meet me and he brought with him a companion 
               he introduced as his perosonal assistant. Sam shook my hand 
               and said how glad he was I'd changed my mind.

               "I haven't yet," I said. "I'm only looking for a little 
               clarification on what my job would be."

               "Clarification? Amazing! You're sounding like a politician 
               already! Come into the dining area and we'll talk."

               The three of us entered the dining area and quickly ordered 
               some sandwiches and tea before we started down to business.

               My thoughts spurted from present to past then back again, 
               "Christ, Zinta - where are you?' I had trouble motivating 
               myself to finish this meeting.

               "So bernard, you want to know what you'd be doing for me: 
               Okay, first you'd be my personal liaison officer, so to speak, 
               to work out inter-departmental squabbles. It sounds difficult 
               but it won't be. Just be genuine with whoever you're dealing 
               with and do what you're told to do. It's better you don't 
               know much about politics, that way you won't be tempted to 
               stray off course and make deals you're not authorized to 
               make. Just deliver the mail or the message, like you did at 
               the post office."

               Sam's personal assistant, who was jotting down notes on a 
               napkin, continued for Sam, "Second, thing to know before you 
               can decide to take the hob or not is, do you mind a thorough 
               security check of your private life? We'll need to interview 
               all relatives and friends then check all records on you and 
               claims they make. It's also standard to have a three month 
               waiting period after a security check before you can start 
               work; just in case anything is revealed to us by your 
               behaviour."

               I was about to answer in a panic that of course I wouldn't 
               mind them finding out all about the things I'd been doing 
               lately. Then sam jumped in and gave me some time to compose 
               myself, "Hey now, I'm sure we can dispense with the three 
               month waiting period."

               "It's your department," the assistant said.

               "How about it, Bernard? Ready to do a little good for Canada?"

               "Yeah. I guess I am."

               I shook hands with Sam and his assistant to close the deal 
               and I was told arrangements would be made to get me to New 
               Ottawa by the next day.

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                                                                         9.


               By the tiume we had finished lunch I had successfully 
               impressed Sam and his assistant that I was a thoroughly low 
               key, hard-working, pedestrian kind of person with no ambition 
               and wouldn't cause the slightest stir. But only one thing 
               occupied my mind despite my fear of the security check, that 
               was my recent near-death experience,'The only thing that 
               causes death and suffering is life - giving life. Life is a 
               death sentence.'

               I thanked Sam for the job and left the lunch early. I'd felt 
               sick of everything as I talked but I just made an excuse 
               that I needed to make preparations for the trip. I quickly 
               departed from the Inn and went back to the Church.

               People in the Church greeted me warmly but I didn't respond. 
               I had to speak to Nicola right away. I looked in her room 
               then Schubel's before I crossed paths with Dempsey by mistake.

               "Hey, Bernard, so what's been going on? I haven't been able 
               to talk to walter. He hasn't even come home since I talked 
               to you."

               "He saw you sitting in a bar having a few drinks."

               "Oh. Right. I guess you can't always depend on people."

               "Don't say people when it's you I can't depend on!"

               "Remembering that I was bugged I was careful of what I said 
               to him in case I involved him too deeply. I told Dempsey to 
               follow me into my room to get away from the rest of the Church 
               members.

               "Walter killed himself this morning," I said.

               "He did?! I can't believe it! He had the guts?! How - how? 
               I'm stunned! He did?"

               "Keep your voice down. Yeah, I was there before he did it 
               and right after. there was nothing I could do. I snapped out 
               of my train of thought but he didn't. I'm the one that had 
               no guts for it, but I'm not regretting it. I made the right 
               decision."

               "My God, I'm glad you didn't go through with it. But poor 
               Zinta, she'd going to be devastated. How are we going to 
               tell her?"

               "I'll tell her. Don't tell anyone at the moment what happened 
               to Walter: I never told the police, they won't know until 
               someon finds the body. You see, just before I met Walter I 
               was offered a job with Sam in New Ottawa."

               "Just where you wanted to go - at one time."

               "And it's turned me around. I had reason to hope again. But 
               nothing could persuade Walter to change his mind. I guess

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                                                                        10.


               you can't offer someone with everything hope for a better 
               life."

               "I don't know about that."

               "Well, I need to finish up a lot of things before I go on my 
               flight tomorrow."

               "Aren't you going to wait for the inquiry?"

               "I can't wait for anything. Please don't mention what I said 
               to you to the cops. I'm only telling Zinta because I want to 
               say a few things before I go."

               Dempsey agreed to my request and we parted. I looked for 
               Zinta and found her on the beach. I decided she neded little 
               preparation for the news, so when I saw her I asked if I 
               could drag her away from her friends to speak to her for a 
               minute.

               "Zinta, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but Walter 
               went ahead and did what I said he'd do."

               "He killed himself?"

               "Yeah, I'm sorry."

               "Yeah... Yeah... I was beginning to suspect he did. He was 
               gone so long. it's terrible news; terrible. I don't know 
               what we're going to do. Are the cops coming over?"

               "No, they don't know yet. When they find him-"

               "They haven't found him yet?"

               "No, I was going to say -"

               "Maybe if we hide his body we can put off the cops coming 
               down on us here in the Church."

               "I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean you're giong 
               to get yourself involved with a gunshot death. if they even 
               find a hair, that's from your on his body or from the scene, 
               they're going to suspect you of invovlement - and I can't 
               see how hiding his body will delay a crackdown on this place. 
               When he's reported missing he still won't be around to protect 
               this place."

               "Yeah, I guess you're right."

               "I was going to say, don't tell anyone that I told you. and 
               don't mention the news to anyone. All right?"

               As she agreed to my request I let my anger grow on the 
               question of her deception and abuse of my intimacy with her.

               "How long have you been pregnant?"

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                                                                        11.


               "You know?" she said.

               "How could you make me a father without telling me? Do you 
               realize how wrong that was?"

               "I don't think you're one to judge."

               "I don't want to be a father. I don't want to bring someone 
               into the world. Why did you do this?" I said with tears 
               starting to form.

               "I wanted a kid. I wanted one for a long time."

               "Why?"

               "Because Walter couldn't do it for me."

               "But why did you want one?'

               "Because I felt I was missing something."

               "Like what?"

               "Like something. I thought I would be able to avoid being 
               lonely by having child.I thougth I could bring up a child 
               right. I can be a better mother than other mothers I've seen."

               "That's the only reasons you can come up with?"

               "You don't need reasons you just need to want one."

               I was so mad I gave up and walked away from her then turned 
               to say one last thing, but  she had gone back to sit on the 
               sand with a frown she had to explain away to her friends.

               'Won't the kid want a reason?' I said to myself, then walked 
               away from her.

               For the rest of the afternoon I waited quietly on my bed for 
               Nicola to return while I considered the hurdles I would need 
               to overcome in order to complete my task for Buddy: one, I 
               had to get through the security check, two, the inquest into 
               Walter's death, three, I had to get my life story straight, 
               the one I told Sam, four, I had to spy on my own country.

               I considered my last probelm actually could be the soltuion 
               to the rest, because I figured if I could throw myself on 
               Sam's mercy and confess everything about the REd and Whites 
               he could protect me and Nicola. But I was scared that if I 
               did it and his subordiantes were given the task of protecting 
               her they could belong to the Red and Whites themselves. Not 
               only that, but if my security check is accurate they might 
               find out everything that I've done and they would never 
               protect me. Once again I was alone; this time with an 
               intuitive will to live as strong as it was impossible for me 
               to survive.

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                                                                        12.


               As the cloudy sky grew darker beyond the skylgiht, Nicola 
               walked into my room.

               "Good to see you home again, Bernard." She walked over to me 
               and kissed my cheek. "Move over, I want to life down."

               I was pleased by her entrance but wasted no time. "I've been 
               offered a job in New Ottawa and I wanted to ask you again to 
               come with me." I wanted to explain that the Church would 
               probably be shut down as it was, but it would be too difficult 
               for her to believe me enough to follow me.

               "We've gone over this already, Bernard. I belong here. Look 
               I'm very happy for you and I don't want to lose you but this 
               is it - I'm not going with you."

               I tried one more time then gave up and said if she ver changed 
               her mind, I would love to see her. I explained my job to her 
               and told her to go to the Defense Ministry to find me if she 
               ever made it to the capital.

               We rested together on the bed then went down for dinner. 
               Everyone looked so naive as they talked and ate their meals - 
               everyone but Dempsey and Zinta looking content to let their 
               world drift along for another day.

               After dinner, Nicola said, "Would you mind if we spend this 
               evening together? This might be the last time I can have a 
               chance to get all our unfinished business out of the way. 
               Let's go for a walk."

               "Okay, just give me a minute to change my clothes."

               I went and asked Dempsey if he could lend me shorts and a 
               shirt of his. He said it was okay and I changed quickly out 
               of everything I wore then stuffed my old clothes, including 
               my shoes, in the back of a hall closet and caught up with 
               Nicola.

               Nicola looked at me with a smile and said, "With you standing 
               there shoeless in those shorts, you remind me of the first 
               time I saw you at your wedding. Come on let's get out of 
               here." She took me by the hand and led me out of the Church 
               and towards the beach.

               The cobblestome streets had passed the whole day without 
               direct sunshine and, in the darkness, were cold and damp to 
               my feet near the waterfront. The breakers perpetuated 
               themselves somewhere down the beach on the sand as we passed 
               by the beach and walked further south to a new part of town 
               for me.

               Nicola held my hand tightly, caressing the back of it with 
               her thumb, and said, "I have to tell you, Bernard, that I 
               haven't been fair to you in a lot of ways."

               "I think you have."

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                                                                        13.


               "I mean I've been acting in away that probably makes it hard 
               for you to know what I want."

               "Maybe."

               "Truth is I'm never sure how I should be with you. I am 
               attracted to you. I'm sure you realized that."

               "I don't thinkg I did." She was making me so happy.

               "I've even been jealous of you. You're attracted to Zinta 
               aren't you?"

               "Well, I was."

               "You were, but you're not now?"

               "What about you and Schubel? What's going on there? How do 
               you think I feel when you're with Schubel?"

               We came up to a patio cafe and Nicola wanted to buy something 
               there. For a Saturday night there wasn't much business there 
               so we sat alone looking across a square towards a small rock 
               pier.

               "I didn't realize you were so jealous about Schubel," she 
               said, "Okay, I did say to you that I thought he was 
               attractive. But I never did anything overtly that could make 
               you jealous."

               "Are you kidding? You're always telling me to cool it between 
               us because of Schubel."

               "But, that was to stop Schubel from getting upset. Youknow 
               because he could -"

               "Yeah - yeah - he's so important around here. Okay, you always 
               get together with him - you're out with the guy all the time - 
               you even tell me he's better looking than me - "

               "Oh, God, did I? I'm sorry if I said that - It's just that 
               Schubel's one of those guys you need to learn how to deal 
               with to understand. He's a real pain in the ass."

               "You mean you're not really together with him?"

               As she nodded in agreement I was thinking, 'Of course that 
               never ruled out fooling around - like - I was I guess.'

               "Did you?" I asked stoicly.

               "Yeah. Did you with Zinta?"

               "Yeah."

               There was a short silence until we looked at each other and 
               finally we sat back on our chairs and gave each other 
               forgiving smiles.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        14.


               I knew it would be hopeless to ask her again to come with   
               me but I thought if I talked about what we would do if she 
               ever visited me in the Capital, she would realize that I 
               cared for her, and would want to see her again even if it 
               was years from now. I told her I would hold back from a visit 
               to the National Theatre until she came up to see me so that 
               we could experience it together for the first time.

               She seemed as happy by this ideas as I was. She said, "It's 
               a date."

               When we finished our drinks and paid the tab, we crossed the 
               square and walked to the end of hte rock pier deeper into 
               the darkness. We discovered that there were wooden steps 
               leading from the stone railing into the dark water. Together 
               we jumped over the barrier and went far enoughd own the steps, 
               so that when she took off her shoes we could sit together 
               barefooton a step and let the cold lake rise and fall the 
               lengths of our calves.

               "i'm sorry I have to leave you, you know," I said.

               "Let's not think about it."

               As she commented that the moon was starting to come through 
               the clouds I moved to the step right against her back and 
               straddled her, hugging her from behind with my whole body. I 
               kissed the back of her scented head then nuzzled apart the 
               short strands of her red hair to find her right ear and play 
               with it until she laughed. Then I kissed her neck and stopped. 
               I didn't need to go further, I had discovered another 
               oblivion.

               II

               'It's hopeless with Nicola - try to forget her Bernard - you 
               need to leave her. My new Buddy from the good old Red and 
               Whites said Nicola would only be safe as long as I didn't 
               trick them. Well don't trick them.'

               I stopped moving long enough for Nicola to sense something 
               was wrong.

               "Are you okay?" she asked and turned her head as far around 
               as possible.

               I brushed her bangs out of her eyes and asked if we could go 
               back to the Church. She consented reluctantly and we walked 
               back holding hands, talking awkwardly about our overt plans 
               avoiding any concrete time-table to meet again.

               In the Church we found a deserted corridor and kissed 
               goodnight. We went to our separate rooms, mine being the 
               most isolated and lonely in the whole place.

               The bed I was in, I had already stopped calling it my bed, 
               was sticky and hot to sleep in that night. I stood up in the 
               bed and reached up to open the skylight and let a bit of

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        15.


               fresh air in, just like Nicola had done for me. As I grew 
               tired, I avoided thinking about the new terrible things my 
               life had experienced that day while instead I considered th 
               good that had come from it, that had arrived from a different 
               act of fate, an old act of fate, Nicola's birth.

               "Bernard!" I felt something irritating on my mouth. "Get up 
               straight away."

               Nicola woke me.

               "They've found Walter dead. Walter's dead! Can you believe 
               it?!"

               I used my grogginess to camouflage the lack of surprise Nicola 
               might have noticed from my expression.

               "That's awful," I said. "What happened?"

               "I don't know, the cops are downstairs. They have people 
               from his Cadet base with them."

               I got dressed in Dempsey's clothes and went downstairs with 
               Nicola. The police were asking different individuals in the 
               Church questions about the last time they had seen Walter 
               and other basid queries.

               When one of the people from the Cadet base saw me he pointed 
               at me for the benefit of one of th officers. The officer 
               appraoched me and asked Nicola to step away from our area 
               while they talked to me.

               "Understand you and the late Colonel were close. Is there 
               any reason you could suggest for him to want to commit 
               suicide?" the officer asked me.

               "Was it suicide?" I said in a dumbfounded way.

               The officer lookeda tme then her notes then back to the Cadet 
               staffer that had pointed me out. She suddenly held her hand 
               up as if to stop me from saying anything else then asked, 
               "Is your name Bernard Kimosa?"

               "Yes it is. Is something wrong?" I said tensely.

               She looked petrified, then she checked with quick glances if 
               anyone was trying to listen to us before saying, "I'm sorry 
               sir. I won't bother you with further questions. Good luck." 
               She turned away from me so suddenly I was afraid to let down 
               my guard.

               "What happened?" Nicola said returning to me.

               "Nothing - nothing."

               "She didn't even have time to get an answer from you."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        16.


               I knew this had something to do with the Red and Whites. I 
               was sorry to cut Nicola out of something that was so important 
               but I couldn't explain it to her, I was being electronically 
               listened to by Buddy.

               "Forget it Nicola, I need to get ready, my flight is in less 
               than two hours."

               I left her behind to witness the continuing spectacle while 
               I checked my room for any incriminating items. I cleaned up 
               the room I had occupied and wrote a letter to thank the people 
               of the Church for their help. I didn't mention I was leaving 
               at a bad time for the Church and wanted to get out of there 
               for my own selfish reasons. I put the note, with the money I 
               made at the outfitters in it, in an obvious place on the 
               neat bed. I didn't have any bags to carry with me, so as I 
               walked out of the house no one, including Nicola and Dempsey, 
               realized I wasn't coming back. I walked to the outfitters to 
               pick up the air-tickets that Sam had dropped there. I took 
               the link-up bus to Sudbury International Airport and was int 
               eh plane before I let myself consider the shoddy way I had 
               left Nicola and the Church to their fate.

               The plane took off from Sudbury directly for New Ottawa from 
               the midst of an October heatwave and landed forty minutes 
               later in a cool, wet capital city of a million people. I 
               could see the skyline of New Ottawa on our final approach - 
               once we broke out of the cloud ceiling. The buildings rivaled 
               those of Toronto in size but as to their fabled architecture, 
               I had to leae it for a closer inspection before judging it.

               I was met in the terminal building by another member of Sam's 
               staff who took me into the city via the underground roads 
               and shoed me to an apartment that had been let for my use. 
               Fate had a way of offering me it's best when I was least 
               able to appreciate it. For the third time in a month I was 
               being complimented with more free gifts. I little doubted 
               that it was going to be a third disaster as well.

               I was given an advance on my pay and an outline of what I 
               needed to do. I could hardly believe this was all happening 
               and I had just one question that would put me back in my 
               place. I asked my helper, "When will my security check be 
               completed?"

               "As far as I've been told, you've already been cleared."

               I was belwildered and my helper repeated it again when he 
               saw that I looked like I hadn't heard him.

               I wasn't sure if it was Sam's sloppy urgency or the Red and 
               Whites who were capable of getting me through a security 
               check. everything I had said to Sam about my life was such a 
               distorotion it wouldn't be on any record - except - Buddy 
               had said he had a taped conversation of Sam offering me the 
               job in the Defense Ministry, he probably knew what it was I 
               told Sam from thsoe tapes then rewrote my public records to 
               fit it. I wondered, though, how thorough he was.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        17.


               The helper gave me a map of the city and instructions on how 
               to get to the Ministry on the following day, Monday. I had 
               the whole day to explore and settle myself in before I started 
               work.

               When the helper left me, I had a chance to look around my 
               flat. I was pleased at its very ritzy appearance but when I 
               came to a window and looked out I was appalled to be so close 
               to another building. My proximity forced me to see a man in 
               his underwear playing bongos on a pail between his knees 
               while he sat on top of his television. Everybody else in 
               that building had pulled their curtains closed and I 
               considered that the best thing to imitate.

               With my advance pay in my hand and nothing in my apartment I 
               decided to go down the elevator and see what was open in the 
               capital on a Sunday.

               The ground level and road level buttons on the elevator 
               display confused me at first then I realized that I would 
               need to remember this distinciton existed throughout the 
               city. All motorized vehicles travelled underground at the 
               road level while, above it, pedestrians and non-polluting 
               behicles had first crack at the daylight through the atrium-
               protected ground level.

               When the elevator door opened for me I jumped out and walked 
               with extreme emotions - fear, patriotism, loneliness, glee - 
               across the lobby and finally outside to see the fabled city 
               with my own eyes.

               My first impression of the city from the outside of my 
               building was that it was like the huge Roman baths or the 
               Milan arcade - or at least pictures of them. The streets, 
               congested with talk and footsteps, missed the essential 
               indicator of an activity being conducted outdoors, a breeze. 
               I looked immediately for the way to the real outdoors. I 
               looked up, to the top of the giant arched atrium and noticed 
               a narrow walkway. That was where I wanted to be to get the 
               real feeling of the city.

               I went back to my apartment building and asked the lobby 
               clerk for directions to the atrium's walkway. He was surprised 
               that anyone would ask but he soon obliged and told me the 
               way. I jumped back into the elevator, climbed eight floors 
               and exited through two doors before I came to the final door 
               to the outside world. When I opened it, int he instant I 
               took my first breath of New Ottawa air I was being measured 
               for a coffin by thousands of bugs.

               I jumped back into the building dancing and flagellating 
               myself to kill every bug attracted to me. I realized that 
               the room I was in was the equivalent of an air-lock and when 
               I thought I had rid myself of the last bug from my body I 
               ran into the next air lock and held my breath to listen and 
               make sure I wasn't being followed. I still had a few 
               determined ones buzzing my ears but I eventually escaped 
               those ones as well and was back in the elevator stepping

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        18.


               into the lobby saying to the lobby clerk that I wouldn't be 
               doing that again soon.

               He laughed, "Peaches'n cream, that's all you are to them."

               "Yeah, I guess I am," I said stepping otu of the building 
               again. I glanced at the map that Sam's helper had given me 
               and decided to walk north towards the seaside. The streets 
               zigzagged quite a bit so it was hard to get an idea of the 
               distances I was travelling. When I wanted to cross the streets 
               I found it hard to jaywalk with all the bicycles and electric 
               three wheelers. I could only manage to cross at the lights.

               There were moments that I could see distant buildings that 
               were marked on my map, but more often the atrium and the 
               street bends inhibited my ability to get an accurate feeling 
               for the whole city. The atrium itself did not go on and on 
               without end like the travel magazines implied it did. They 
               were sectioned off, ostensibly for fire protection, but with 
               huge murals of reproduced masterpieces or kinetic sculptures. 
               One huge bit of painted architecture, sealing five spoking 
               street atriums, was an elaborate parady of Noah's Ark with 
               carved people representing every kind of politician there 
               was in the country being saved while normal people were being 
               prodded away with large poles. This looked down ont he throng 
               of ordinary people passing under the hull.

               I found a department store when I was halfway tot he sea 
               coast and decided to buy a change of wardrobe including shoes. 
               When I found what I wanted I chagned out of the clothes 
               Dempsey gave me and I threw away the shoes that I had to 
               bring with me from my bvugged wardrobe. The new shoes fit 
               perfectly and I considered them more appropriate for work 
               the next day.

               When I was finished shopping for clothes I carried my bags 
               with me on the final leg of my long journey to the sea. I 
               was slightly disappointed when I finally arrived at the end 
               of the street I was following. A sign said I was on the James 
               Bay coast but I couldn't see the ocean at all. All I could 
               see out the glass wall at a distance was a great embankment. 
               I checked my map again and I noticed it said, 'The Great 
               Dike of New Ottawa'. I hadn't realzied before that a dike 
               was marked on the map. According to the map it surrounded 
               the whole city, even though the city was not surrounded by 
               water.

               Before I left, disappointed at not being able to see the 
               ocean for the first time in my life, I decided to try to see 
               whatever I could. I walked up a spiral staircase on one side 
               of the street and climbed it until i could see over the dike. 
               I had climbed the equivalent of six stories before I could 
               see any of James Bay.

               'Doesn't look any different from Lake Ontario, except the 
               ships are bigger.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        19.


               I noticed a Mag-Lev subway system marked on the map and used 
               this new information to find the subway and take a fast way 
               back to my part of town. The subway ride was smooth and 
               silent, much better than Toronto's. In five stops I was back 
               in my area. I shopped for groceries, something I was glad to 
               do once again, and returned to my apartment. The apartment 
               was a bachelor size place, furnished, and stocked with cooking 
               equipment. I made myself an early dinner of rice and cheese, 
               then once I'd eaten I lay motionless on the bed to wait for 
               the inspiration that would wake me up to the balancing act I 
               had ahead of me.

               'So now you want to live? Well you better start looking for 
               a way out of this mess - keep the job with Sam if you can - 
               stall the Red and Whites - What else? Write Nicola? No don't. 
               The Red and Whites run the postal system - What else? Okay - 
               God, I want some of that crystal drug all of a sudden. Wow, 
               do I ever want it, like all of a sudden. Now that I think 
               back for a second - it might help me figure this all out. 
               The last time it didn't affect me too   much but all the 
               other times it did help. I think Dempsey was right - it does 
               help me see the truth or something like that.'

               I licked my lips constantly. I got out of bed and went to 
               get a drink of water before trying again to search for some 
               answers.

               'Try not to be bugged by the Red and Whites - Try to build 
               up trust with Sam. Maybe he can protect me - Yeah, I got it, 
               if my records say I'm good enough to work for the Ministry 
               of Defense then.... If I threw myself of Sam's mercy he would 
               have no reason to mistrust me... except I would need to 
               explain that the Red and Whites can manipulate government 
               files...'

               I stood up again, this time to go to the washroom. 'what do 
               I want to do anyway?'

               I opened my new toothbrush and paste and slowly brushed my 
               front teeth, then the back, then the front, then the back, 
               'Nicola... My Zinta... Nicola... Mu Zinta...'

               I walked around the little apartment with paste foaming out 
               of my mouth and I decided to peek out the window to see what 
               the underwear man in the next building was doing. He wasn't 
               in.

               I made it back to the bathroom in time to spit in the sink. 
               I rinsed when I decided I'd had enough. Then I returned to 
               laying on my back and staring at the ceiling.

               'Maybe I wasn't deceived by Walter after all. He must have 
               believed what he told me - he said it with conivction at 
               least. Maybe he ended up deceiving himself int he end. That's 
               what happened, right? It makes sense to me. Well, I guess it 
               still does... but don't think about it. Intuition is running 
               your life now. Right?'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        20.


               I turned over on my side determined to fall asleep.

               '"You go first, go ahead. Shoot yourself, go ahead." that 
               bastard coward bastard...Okay, well, not a coward. I guess 
               he proved that.'

               I had to get up to see what the underwear man was doing. i 
               peeked out the curtain across the greying distance between 
               me and the underwear man's building into this dark flat. I 
               was aobut to think he wasn't there again but then I saw his 
               feet pointing into the air. He was standing on his head. I 
               watched to see how long he would hold it. When he took too 
               long I grew bored and went back to bed.

               'What the hell is that guy doing with his life? Hey, well, 
               It's only Sunday. Maybe he has something to do on Mondays.'

               Somehow the underwear man put me to sleep.

               I woke up suddenly and dressed in my new clothes. I felt an 
               urgency to get to the Ministry for some reason. I quickly 
               ate breakfast and left on my way to work.

               When I stepped out of my apartment building someone I could 
               see over the hudnreds of crisscrossing heads on the other 
               side of the street frightened me. He was waving for me to 
               come to him. It was the cop, Buddy.

               I crossed timidly at the intersection when the lights 
               permitted and met Buddy with some practical questions that 
               he would see were co-operative, not tricky in any way.

               "Hi," I said. "Do you think you could give me a copy of what 
               the Ministry thinks is my life? I'll need to know in case I 
               need to talk about my personal life."

               "Don't try to be smart with me. Don't think I didn't realize 
               that myself. Here." He handed me a piece of paper and told 
               me to memorize it the best I could before I arrived at work, 
               then to destroy it.

               "Thanks. What is it you want me to do anyway?" I said.

               "Find out how committed this Government has become in the 
               development of their nuc weapons program. Everything about 
               it. Their plans for the future, everything, including its 
               budget for toilet paper. I'll contact you every two days. 
               And don't hold back, we have other sources. Just because we 
               can't bug your clothes doesn't mean we won't hear you trick 
               us somehow. So tell us what you find out and you will get 
               our trust. The same chance you had before you turned on us. 
               Remember don't fuck us up this time."

               He poked my chest and walked away.

               I sighed and ran to the subway, away from Buddy. I took the 
               subway to the south section of the city, to the Defense 
               Ministry, and after fumbling through a red light district

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        21.


               trying to memorize what my life was supposed to be like, I 
               found the building and entered it. The security was very 
               thorough; they had sniffers for electronic bugs and explosive 
               material, plus body searches and finally an ID check. I had 
               no ID. I hadn't considered it and neither had Buddy. They 
               were ready to throw me out when I convinced them to check 
               with Sam.

               "Yes, sir, but unless you can ID him yourself on your monitor 
               I can't let him through. Yes, sir."

               I turned towards the camera and held my head to show my face 
               clearly to Sam.

               "Yes, sir, I'll let him in but make sure he has his pass and 
               some ID soon.... Yes, sir!"

               I was escorted to the Ministers' offices and left there to 
               wait. Sam came out to greet me and scolded me for not telling 
               him that I needed some ID...He said he would arrange it 
               himself and for the moment he gave me a visitor's pass.

               When he calmed down enough, he put his arm around my shoulder 
               and told me he had a very important job for me. It was at 
               the Prime Minister's Office to help him lobby for a little 
               more money. It didn't look like a promising way to do any 
               spying but then my heart wasn't into spying. I thanked him 
               for the chance to work for him and he took a sealed briefcase, 
               cuffed it around my wrist and pointed int eh direction he 
               wanted me to go. I found a second escort waiting for me in 
               the corridor. He definitely knew better than me the routine 
               and the destination.. He was an old man and slow to reply to 
               me when I introduced myself.

               The old man finally reciprocated, "Arnold - Arnold Canison. 
               How do you do yourself?"

               "This is a strange kind of job I have, isn't it?"

               "No, it isn't. Normal as shit."

               "Why can't you do my job? You're coming with me anyway."

               "I'm here to watch you. Who'd watch me if I did your job."

               "I don't know? I'd..."

               I gave up the conversation as we took an elevator to the 
               parking level. Arnold found his car and we drove up the multi-
               level garage to the underground road level then found our 
               way through teh tunnels to the Parliament buildings. Security 
               there was tight even to get inside the public parking.

               Arnold led the way for me past another stage of security 
               into the main building itself then into the colossal, but 
               unused, Chamber of Public Consultation. It seemed much bigger 
               thant he Catholic Catherdral in Ivory Coast, at least compared 
               to the pictures I'd seen of it. I could hear the reverberating

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        22.


               voiced of the several tourist guides explaining to their 
               groups that it was once the forum for debate between the 
               Government and people. Now it is a relic of the progress 
               towards a referendum government.

               After the ten minute walk across this gloriously tiled 
               chamber, Arnold took us past yet another security check-point 
               towards the Commons and Senate chambers then we turend to 
               the members' offices and finally to the Prime Minister's 
               Office, the mystical PMO.

               I was anticipating during the trip to the PMO that something 
               would happen that could show the great demands my new job 
               would make on me. But nothing occured that even indicated I 
               had much of a job.

               Arnold and I waited for an hour in the PMO for the 
               receptionist to permit us to go in. Then Arnold waited in 
               the anti-chamber while I continued in to see the Prime 
               Minister - face to face - I could hardly believe the honour.

               I stood in front of the PM very surprised at how old she 
               was. She waved at me, without looking, to place the briefcase 
               down in front of her. I realized that her desk was so large 
               that I would need to walk around it in order to put it within 
               reach of her. When I had done as she asked, she picked up a 
               key and took my wrist n her hand to unlock the cuff.

               "Hey! Who the hell belongs to this wrist?" the PM asked 
               looking up at my face.

               "My name is Bernard."

               "Am I ever glad Sam finally got rid of that last one. Good 
               to meet you." She sucked in through her teeth. "What did you 
               say your name was?"

               "Bernard."

               "Sam certainly topped himself this time," she said looking 
               me over.

               I began to sense something unsettling in her manner.

               She told me when she had finished uncuffing my wirst, to 
               stand back again, but not to leave.

               "Let me ask you something," she said to me. "If you could 
               influence me into doing something for you, what would it 
               be?"

               I laughed for a second which didn't seem to upset her. I 
               said, "That's a hard one." I considered this an opportunity 
               to confess everything and I led into my confession by saying, 
               "I guess it would be to get you to ...Well, to never trust 
               anyone. You see -"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        23.


               "Oh, really, well I promise not to trust you then. No - just 
               teasing you - I run a government, I need to trust some people. 
               Don't I?"

               She stood up from her chair and walked over to me.I was 
               starting to wonder if I could trust her with my confession. 
               But it did seem ridiculous to think that even she couldn't 
               be trusted with information this vital to her own government, 
               but I felt she had another agenda behind her somewhere. Like 
               the feeling I got from the Red and Whites.

               "Bernard - that's your name, right? Do you consider your 
               brand new job an important step in your life?"

               "Of course I do."

               "How important is it to you?"

               "I guess it's worth a lot."

               "How much is that?"

               "A lot."

               "How much exactly?"

               "I couldn't say."

               I was starting to feel hot and nervous.

               She pushed me playfully.

               "Why'd you do that?" I asked.

               "Didn't Sam fill you in?" she asked.

               "Fill me into what?" I said.

               "How much does he pay you? A lot, right?"

               "I suddenly realized what the situation was. I hadn't 
               considered it at the time, but the advance was a large amount. 
               'Oh - no - am I some kind of ...hooker?' I didn't want to 
               connect the money to what she was verbally groping for. But 
               whatever it was she was hinting at I couldn't let it bother 
               me. I had more lethal moments ahead of me than this one.

               "Come here," said the old hag. "I know Sam got you out of 
               some kind of dire-straights. So don't pretend you'd want to 
               jeopardize your new place in society. You see, Sam has the 
               great talent of being able to find good-looking whimps like 
               you."

               I suddenly had a nightmare that she was taking her clothes 
               off - it wasn't a nightmare, she was taking her clothes off. 
               She told me to do the same. How could I refuse her, I needed 
               to be there like I needed air, food - 'Am I convincing 
               myself?'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        24.


               She told me what to do, and I did it to the best of my ability 
               without letting any of the horror of it sink in. The only 
               thing that did pierce its way into my moment of deliberate 
               unconsciousness was her asthmatic breathing between attempts 
               to mount me.

               "Is there something wrong with you?" she suggested to me 
               just before I succeeded in pretending it was someone else 
               sitting on top of my hips.

               I said, "Don't say another word, or you'll ruin the moment," 
               as I concentrated on the image of the young body of Nicola.

               "That's more like it," I could hear the PM remark faintly 
               from another room as a woman with short feathered red hair 
               and smooth firm breasts gently rode on top of me like I was 
               her ...

               Her garbage.

               When it was over I pulled my clothes over me. The Prime 
               Minister didn't want me to - the Prime Minister - I couldn't 
               believe that a Prime Minister could be such a slime. I thought 
               the Red and Whites were slime but this PM! This thing - this - 
               !

               'I've got to hold my temper - I've got to. Bernard, you can 
               do it. You've got her where you want her - you can let her 
               hang - then the Red and Whites will screw her right back if 
               I don't say anything - right? Right!'

               "You need a lot of improvement," said the Prime Minister, 
               "but  I'll keep you. You'll have time to practice until 
               tomorrow. Find some slut to teach you something. I hope you 
               can improve your distnace by then. Either way, you come back! 
               Right!"

               I dressed as neatly as I could and walked out of her office. 
               Arnold go tup without saying hello and led me out of the 
               Parliament.

               I looked resentfully at Arnold who walked in front of me and 
               I said, "I guess you know what happened in there?"

               I saw him nod via the back of his head.

               "And Sam arranged everything, right?"

               Arnold nodded again.

               I felt too ashamed to talk about it further. I just followed 
               Arnold to his car and we drove out of there.

               I hadn't paid close attention to the route Arnold took to 
               drive between the Ministry and the Parliament but I knew he 
               wasn't returning to the Ministry just then. I was relieved. 
               I didn't want to go back at all. I was beginning to wonder 
               if Sam was going to pimp me to some other clients as well.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        25.


               Then I realized Arnold had drove me home and I calmed 
               somewhat. He told me to return on my own later in the 
               afternoon.

               I stepped into my apartment, threw off my clothes and went 
               to have an absolutely thorough shower.

               'Bitch - bitch - bitch. She really blew it now - she's going 
               to be fried by the Red and Whites - FRIED!'

               'Christ! She's supposed to be our Prime Minister! My Prime 
               Minister! She's been inpower for so bloody long ... How could 
               she have stayed in power for so long ... Everything that I 
               thought was so great about Canada she was in pwoer to create, 
               not ... She did create all that stuff I like, didn't she? 
               She did, didn't she? What a bitch!

               'God, there's a big difference between her personality and 
               her policies. I guess... I don't know ... Why is she like 
               that?

               'Sam, what a slime. What a pimp!

               'Get your act together, Bernard. Forget power over yourself, 
               from now on you've got to think, power over everyone else. 
               That's the only way oyou can have even a bit of power left 
               for yourself. Power over everyone else! Life is only a death 
               sentence.'

               I finished the shower and dressed in the new wardrobe I'd 
               bought.

               'Bernard, from now on you play stupid, play harmless, and 
               wait for your opportunities.'

               I went out to do more shopping then returned with more 
               clothes, food and other items. When I felt ready for another 
               round of Sam, I left for work and arrived after lunch.

               Sam had handed Arnold my various passes and ID to give to me 
               when I returned. Sam was out of the office and I had to sit 
               around to wait for something to happen.

               To this point my spying opportunities had been non-existent 
               and I worried that I would have nothing to tell Buddy when 
               he met me again on Wednesday.

               The rest of the day passed without incident and I returned 
               home to another early night, but this night I had no trouble 
               falling to sleep. I had the effect of a mantra working for 
               me as I recited my formula for intuitive survival, 'Power 
               over everyone else.'

               I held Nicola by the neck and pushed her against a street 
               post, 'How could youd eal with them. You deal with me, don't 
               you? Don't you?'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        26.


               'If you can't let me do what I want, you should do what you 
               did to your girlfriend and kill me.'

               'Nicola!'

               "Nicola ..." I whispered out loud from my sleep. I woke up 
               and remembered where I was.

               "Power over everybody else. Don't waver, don't waver."

               I realized I might ahve said something incriminating - if I 
               was being bugged somehow. I decided to get dressed and find 
               a debugging company in the yellow pages and buy my own bug 
               sensor. I found a shop that was nearby and went to get it. I 
               returned in time to do a quick sweep for bugs before I went 
               to work. Nothing. I hid the bug sweep and left for work.

               When I arrived at the subway station closest to the Ministry 
               building I was so intent on arriving in a good frame of mind 
               I nearly missed hearing a faint voice calling me. I stopped 
               to listen and heard it again.

               "Bernard... over here."

               I looked all around, then I saw Nicola standing under a 
               bookstore awning.

               Wnen Nicola realized I'd seen her she walked away from me. 
               It looked like the cold shoulder treatment at first then I 
               saw that she was worried about me being seen with her. I 
               hurried to catch up.

               "Nicola, I don't believe you're here. It's so great to see 
               you," I said genuinely more to myself than to her.

               "You don't know how happy I am to see you," she said grabbing 
               my hand to pull me closer, then she kissed me.

               I stopped her from resuming her walk and I hugged her with 
               all my strength. I could feel that between us was my Lucky 
               Sixes that I'd given to her. To me they hung around her neck 
               like a religious pendant, like a sign of devotion.

               "Hey! Hey!"  she said laughing. "First things first. I drove 
               up with Dempsey in Bill's car and we wanted to see if you 
               had the pull to get the cops off the Church like Walter did. 
               When you took off on Sunday, they came down on the Church, 
               closed up the drug lab, then arrested all of us."

               I was a bit disappointed Dempsey had come along. In my opinion 
               he was generally a bad influence.

               I had to tell her, "You could have guessed that was going to 
               happen when Walter died. Why'd you think it wouldn't happen?"

               "I don't know, I guess I just didn't think it could really - 
               how about helping straighten things out. Everything has all 
               fallen apart down there. We're skipping bail to come up here

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        27.


               to see you. Walter used his Defense Ministry connections to 
               stop it. I was hoping, since you know Sam the Defense Minister 
               himself, you could pull some strings yourself. How'bout it?"

               "Nicola," I said, "to start with, it wasn't Walter's Defense 
               Ministry connections - he was a Red and White."

               "What! He was with them?"

               "Yeah. I guess Walter was with the Church as part of their 
               moral crusade. Probably keeping tabs on their opposition. I 
               guess the Red and Whites are everywhere. I don't even think 
               the head of the whole thing in Canada could know every agent 
               there is."

               "Why didn't you tell me back in Killarney? It's not because 
               you killed Walter is it?"

               "No way, Nicola, he killed himself, when he couldn't get the 
               courage to kill me. He was under orders to do that. I guess 
               you would have been next after me."

               "You should have trusted me enough to tell me."

               "I couldn't," I said dejectedly, "... I've been recruited by 
               them again."

               "What! I can't believe it! How did that happen?"

               "When Walter didn't kill me another Red and White that came 
               up here to finish the job was one of those two cops. His 
               name's Buddy. He was going to kill both of us, then he found 
               out that Sam, offered me this job - a job for an asshole, 
               that's what it is."

               "Hey, I don't remember you swearing before," she said with a 
               hollow laugh. "You're changing, eh?"

               "Yeah, well, it's for the better - listen - me and this job 
               are not up to expectations - it seems."

               "What's wrong?" she asked.

               "I'm a fuckin' gigolo."

               Nicola was taking all this bad news quite well. She said 
               with a wavering smile, "Tell me what the hell you're talking 
               about."

               "Sam hired me, not to work in the normal sense of work, but 
               to be some kind of whore to the Prime Minister. I guess he 
               gets his influence form being the PM's pimp. I'm sorry Nicola, 
               but I have no choice but to do a command performance at her 
               whim. The Red and Whites think I can spy for them from my 
               job, I have no choice."

               "You fuckin' do have a choice!" she said furiously and from 
               my point of view jealously, "You can forget it and get out

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        28.


               right now! Get right out of here - let's get out of here 
               with Dempsey, he's got his severance pay. We could live on 
               that until we get to some other country or something."

               "The Red and Whites belong to some other country or countries. 
               What if we end up crossing the border into the hands of the 
               government that controls them. They would arrest us at 
               customs. That is if we could get past Canadian authorities. 
               How many of them are  Red and Whites? Eh? We can never know 
               if one of them or all of them are members. Can we? Remember 
               the woman cop that talked to me bso briefly about Walter's 
               death? She was a part of them - that's why she only talked 
               to me for a few seconds."

               Nicola pleaded, "Why don't you try and find out which country 
               controls them then we can try to find a neutral country?"

               "Even if that was possible, we can't run from a goddamn 
               disease. How do we know who has it? I'm staying to play this 
               sickness out. And this time you can decide if you want to 
               stay or run."

               Nicola looked more upset than at any time I'd seen her before. 
               She flicked her growing red hair out of her eyes, the hair 
               was the main probem she wanted to deal with.

               She took my hand and led me for a walk into a community 
               centre.

               "How can we survive this whole thing anyway?" Nicola asked 
               calmly. "If you can't spy for them then they'll kill us 
               anyway."

               "I don't know. I'll be with the PM enough, I guess. Maybe, 
               she'll say things I can use. The next time I meet my contact, 
               Buddy, I'm sure he'll see my connection with the PM as 
               positive. He will, I know he will."

               She hugged me as small children in gymnastic tights marched 
               down the community centre lobby and turned around us like we 
               were a Maypole then they continued to the gym.

               I heard Nicola giggle, then she lifted her head from my 
               shoulder to look more intently at the departing children. 
               "They're cute, aren't they? Why are children so cute?"

               'It's all just a trick,' I thought.

               "Yeah, they are ... " I said,"I have to go now. I'm late as 
               it is." Then I arranged with her that Dempsey and she would 
               not be able to contact me, but I would contact them by 
               telephone at their hotel, and gave general times.

               We hugged and said bye to each other then I walked out alone 
               onto the street and proceeded quickly over to the Ministry 
               building.

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                                                                        29.


               In Sam's office I didn't need to wait long before I was told 
               by some junior clerk in some closet size room which I'd been 
               shuffled into that I was late and this would be my last 
               warning.

               "Yes, sir" I said sarcastically.

               'You got to play stupid, play humble, Bernard,' I said to 
               myself.

               I didn't wait long before I was handcuffed to a briefcase 
               and escorted by Arnold Canison out of the Ministry building 
               to anotehr date witht he head of the singlmost powerful 
               government in the world.

               I spent the whole ride thinking of ways to trick myself into 
               accepting the kind of disgusting sex that was to come. By 
               the time we arrived and Arnold dropped me at the PM's office 
               I had constructed a great frame of mind.

               'Wait for your time. It will come, it will come,' I thought.

               "Bernard, don't you look handsome today," the PM said.

               The PM had stepped out of her office seemingly at a loss 
               until she saw me walk in. She waved for me to follow her 
               into her personal office. I had no choice but to comply.

               The PM locked the door behind me, grabbed my crotch then let 
               it go and told me to stand beside her desk while she unlocked 
               the handcuff.

               When everything was done as she suddenly burst out, "Let's 
               go into the country, you and I. You know I've been dying to 
               go for a walk in the country all summer."

               "What about the insects?"

               "Didn't you know it was a very low temperature yesterday?" 
               she said. "I've had reports that we've finally had the cold 
               day that's been needed to wipe out those interfering little 
               pests. Didn't you now it was cold yesterday?"

               "No, I didn't."

               "That's the problem with the AtriumCity, no one seems to 
               know what's going on in the real world."

               I agreed.

               She called up someone to tell them to have her limo ready 
               for a picnic in the country.

               "Here's your chance to influence me; what kind of dessert do 
               you think I should have today?"

               Ever ready to pretend to be the harmless airhead, I decided 
               to suggest whip cream a la skin.

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                                                                        30.


               "Oh you speak French, eh?" she said then started to speak 
               French to me.

               "Pardon me. Excuse me," I said trying to interrupt, "I'm 
               sorry, Prime Minister. I didn't mean to imply that I could 
               speak French. I just used that as an expression."

               She didn't stop using French, in fact, she rembled 
               continuously, laughing in places and making childish faces 
               at me. From then on everything she said to people around her 
               was in French. The PM took my arm and pretended she and I 
               were chatting, she played my side of the conversation 
               moronically and scornfully.

               'Ridicule, that's all it is,' I said to myself, 'just 
               ridicule.'

               The PM led me by a tug on my arm down her private elevator 
               to her waiting cars. Together we were driven out of the garage 
               onto the main roads. Within twenty minutes we surfaced in 
               the outside world, a grey outside world.

               The PM suddenly caught me off guard with some English words 
               tossed in at the end of some French ones, "Ever wondered how 
               I've managed to stay in power so long? Have you ever?"

               "Yes, all the time," I lied.

               "Forget everything you were ever taught, for a minute, and 
               consider what Canada would be like without our radical 
               democracy. Do you know what this country would be like today 
               without it?"

               "No," I said.

               "Hardly any different - surprised?

               "To make my point," she continued, "without democracy at 
               all... the country would be about the same. That is of course 
               conditional on the idea that I would still be Prime Minister. 
               All those referendums and elections and debates are 
               meaningless to someon with the knowledge and skill to make 
               them meaningless. A knowledgeable and skillful person like 
               me, you may assume. You give people democracy and you can 
               have anything you want. The people can't see out of it.

               "You know, I have completed all that I have strived to achieve 
               in office. I just used the democratic system to avoid all 
               the things that would have stopped me. You now, coups, 
               protests, riots, all those things. I'm an insider andn only 
               insiders have the real power over the military, industry, 
               labour, and especially the bureaucracy. You wouldn't believe 
               how that monster can grow when you give it a long leash. 
               Hah!"

               Continuing the attitude she had when she spoke French at me, 
               the PM was trying to intellectualize over my head, but this

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        31.


               time I could understand what she was saying. And I tried 
               hard to memorize what I could.

               "Now that I've just put the cherry on the top of my career, 
               you can help me celebrate." She put her hand down my pants.

               "What cherry?" I asked.

               "Why - yours, of course," she said.

               I believed her answer was designed to avoid the topic I'd 
               been waiting for. It had to be the nuclear weapons issue she 
               was hiding.

               "If I'm the top of your career," I said, "I hope I'm not in 
               any way a disappointment - considering your career."

               "Well, yeah. You would be a disappointment if you really 
               were the cherry ... I guess you're wondering what it could 
               be. Hah! You're not going to find out until the rest of the 
               country finds out." She fell back against her seat and sighed 
               as thougha ll was well with her.

               I let her answer stand. I couldn't look interested. 'Wouldn't 
               it be suspicious?'

               The limo rolled along at a speed of one hudnred and seventy  
               kph. on a small road through scrub forest until the highway 
               started to hug the coastline. I looked at the huge ships 
               lined up in the harbour and several submarines lined up in a 
               scrap yard. It made me wonder just what everybody was getting 
               into with this nuclear weapons business.

               As we curved northwest witht he coastline on our right I 
               looked over my shoulder across the massive harbour to the 
               skyline of New Ottawa. I recognized this view immediately. 
               It was the same general place that was used in the tourism 
               poster that my Zinta worshipped for years at home. I wanted 
               the car to pass the resort that stood in teh foreground of 
               her poster. I watched and waited then we passed it so quickly 
               I could only assume it was the exact same place. The problem 
               was the amount of industrial development there was in the 
               area that was blocking the view.

               'I bet Zinta would've been surprised by what really is the 
               whole context of her precious poster.'

               We drove away from the harbour area continuing to drive on a 
               two lane highway that snaked back and forth into the scrub 
               forest then against the lapping sea, and back again. 
               Eventually we stopped on the right side of the road in the 
               scrub forest. The PM told me we would need to wait for the 
               limo containing our picnic food to catch up with us before 
               we could start eating. In the meantime she would show me why 
               we had stopped at this particular point in the road.

               We stepped out of the car into the cold air.

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                                                                        32.


               The PM said to me,"Ha ha! It's so wonderfully cold today." 
               Then she asked her driver to get blankets out of the trunk 
               for us.

               The PM led along a path through the forest. The two of us 
               went alone with the blankets around our shoulders to keep us 
               from experiencing this wonderful cold too much.

               Our path's tree blinds thinned considerably until only a 
               grass field and one strange object lay between us and the 
               infinite sea. This strange object was the rose-coloured facade 
               of a half collapsed building with only the door frame and 
               two steps remaining. Number eleven was its address. What was 
               the street? Where were the other houses?

               The PM led me straight to its door and I could see that the 
               rest of the house had fallen into the sea but somehow the 
               facade remained. The PM reached around the facade to the 
               other side of the door and pulled out two folding chairs 
               that were hidden there. She walked backwards away from the 
               facade then set up the chairs and invited me to sit with 
               her. She explained that this place is occasionally looked 
               after by her personal gardener.

               Then she said, "This is a powerful place for me. A humbling 
               place..."

               She remained silent for several minutes as a sign of respect.

               "What happened here?" I said to break the silence.

               "This place is an old village set up by Norwegian imigrants 
               a hundred years or so ago. At the time it was at the top of 
               a gentle slope more than a kilometre from the sea. Now only 
               this building remains. It became a ghost town during the 
               first rise in the ocean level. Now with this second rise in 
               the ocean most of it's gone.

               "I come here when the insects aren't around to disturb me. I 
               find it a good way to contemplate the limits of my power."

               I didn't think much of its humbling powers - in her case at 
               least. I just thought it was amazing that the facade hadn't 
               yet fallen into the sea.

               I decided to play the idiot again, "Prime Minister, how do 
               you stay in power again? I couldn't follow it last time you 
               told me."

               She laughd, "I'll make it simple for you. Listen closely. 
               The people want to be asleep. They don't want to be bothered. 
               They don't want to suffer the pains of life. I fulfill that 
               desire. Now let's honour the power of the sea and just sit 
               and conteplate this facade, if you don't mind."

               I wrapped myself up tightly in the blanket to ward off the 
               effects of the cold on my body.

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                                                                        33.


               'She has so much contempt for me just because she thinks I'm 
               a nobody. That I'm stupid, Yet she looks at the stupid world 
               in awe and respect - doesn't make sense. This door is 
               interesting - but not that interesting. I guess she can't 
               see the power of fate - of the world - unless it's through 
               something like this. I guess if the Norwegian village hadn't 
               been here she couldn't have seen the rising tides as easily. 
               Just like The Context Rules says how everything is determined 
               by the context that you see it in. She looks through this 
               door and sees ... the limit fo her power - I see...the 
               fragility of the human world - the fragility of the reasons 
               we've all made u to maintain our lives.'

               One little facade, as much a fact as anything could be, yet 
               with as many perspectives and meanings as there are people 
               to see it. My question was, where's the horizon? Maybe I was 
               seeing the Big Truth that Bill had mentioned. Maybe the PM 
               was too. Our views differed a little but both of us feared 
               it. Just as Bill said people do. So was the Big Truth the 
               fact that there were disgusting PM's like the one I was 
               sitting beside? Was it the fact that the sea was going to 
               swamp all of humanity? Neither mattered.

               The Big Truth stared me in the face all the time, I assumed, 
               and like the PM I was going to contemplate it until I 
               understood it.

               The waves crashed - gulls fell into the ocean - bubblies 
               exploded - the black sky split from errant sunbeams.

               III

               'Power over everyone else.'

               The food for the picnic was brought to where we sat. It 
               included hot tea and even freshly baked bread that steamed 
               in the cold, the smell of which brought me a moment of 
               happiness from my past.

               I buttered the bread and dripped honey all over it before I 
               rudely wolfed it down. I repeated the ritual several times 
               between sips of hot tea from the warm glass.

               The PM never took her eyes far from the facade as she ate 
               her lunch. That gave me some molest-free time to plan a few 
               things in relation to Nicola and Dempsey. I realized those 
               two might come in handy, if I could use them with the same 
               shameless confidence that the PM exercised over me. But 
               whatever it was I was going to do to gain some form of power 
               over everyone else, I knew I should be more active somehow.

               I lamely considered getting some kind of VD to spread to the 
               PM. But it was so difficult to get VD these days I didn't 
               even get to the point of realizing how dangerous that would 
               be to me before I gave up the idea.

               Next I considered using my time witht he PM to trick her 
               into giving me power like a Rasputin. But I couldn't get

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        34.


               past the idea that her personality was already more like a 
               Rasputin than mine could ever be.

               She broke into my thoughts, "Hah! I've got an idea, Bernard. 
               When we finish lunch I'm going to take you flying. I hope 
               you're not afraid of flying."

               She snapped her fingers and told her crew to order a 
               helicopter to land where we were. In less than five minutes 
               of the PM kissing my face a huge armoured helicopter hovered 
               on the sea and dropped a boat to pick us up. We all walked 
               down to the strip of sand as it absorbed the ocean breakers, 
               then we were helped into the boats. After bursting through 
               some of the larger waves, the obat moved into calmer seas 
               then under the atomizing potential of the copter blades we 
               were picked up and taken aboard. The copter quickly lifted 
               off the sea and we were airborne.

               The PM took me into a secluded part of the copter and once 
               again told me to make love to her. This time I guessed her 
               thrill was from her airborne, military-style vibrator.

               When we were done, she pointed out the window and told me to 
               look.

               We were approaching New Ottawa from the height of the tallest 
               buildings in the city. I was impressed at this view of utopia 
               and told her so. It was more her city than anyone else's, so 
               I gave her full credit. From this height, though, I had a 
               good view of the dikes and ramparts surrounding the city. 
               With the facade of that building still fresh in my mind I 
               asked teh PM why New Ottawa had been constructed on the coast 
               where it could some day meet the same fate as that Norwegian 
               village.

               "I wasn't Prime Minister when that was decided! It was just 
               bad timing. The last time the sea level rose it turned back 
               again. Then when the government at the time wanted to combine 
               some faith in the new Canadian constitution with a new 
               capital, this was the best sight as long as the sea was truly 
               not going to rise...what am I telling you this for?"

               "Hah! she went on, "to make it simple for you, it was a 
               mistake. I just hope those barriers can hold back the sea 
               untilthe end of time. That's all I care about."

               The helicopter landed on the roof of one of the buildings 
               and we jumped out into the cold blast of the rotors. We 
               netered the building that we landed on and the PM tongued me 
               good-bye. She went down a special elevator while I was taken 
               by her security people down a normal elevator.

               When we stopped and stepped off the elevator I realized we 
               were in the Defense Ministry building on the floor that housed 
               Sam's offices.

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                                                                        35.


               The PM's security people dropped me in front of my waiting 
               area and there I sat for the rest of the day in case the PM 
               had any more hot flashes and wanted to prove herself.

               When my day in the waiting area was over I was told I could 
               go home.

               'The nine to five .... gigolo man' I mumbled inside my head, 
               'I've got to ...I've got to do something that's normal - 
               God, I've got to have a normal relationship somehow.'

               Out on the warm protected streets I looked for a public 
               telephone so that I could call Nicola at her hotel. She 
               answered on the first ring.

               "Do you thibnk we could meet tonight, Nicola. Would you mind?"

               "Why? Did you have plans for us tonight?"

               "I thought we might go on that date to the National Theatre, 
               the one we once promised ourselves - oh, so long ago in that 
               distant land of Killarney."

               "I don't know... how was the Prime Minister to you today?"

               "You'll be glad toknow that hse has an automatic respect for 
               thigns that are more powerful than her - I don't know but I 
               might try wrestling her to the mat to see if she'll stop 
               treating me like dirt - Nicola, let's not mention her - 
               alright? I called you because I needed you and your usual 
               kindness. I heard a little jealousy in your tone. If you 
               don't want to go out tonight we won't."

               "I want to go, don't worry. Hey, look, I'm not in love with 
               you or something. You can do what you want to do. Sleep with 
               whom you want to sleep - I don't care. After all, I didn't 
               want you to get upset when I slept with Schubel. You kow, no 
               matter how good he was, I wasn't even going to tell you."

               I almost yelled at her then I regained my composure, "Oh 
               yeah? Well... I never told you how good Walter's wife is in 
               bed did I?" I almost said 'did I' again, but I stopped myself.

               That made her as mad as I was. She asked me all kinds of 
               questions about when it happened, where, and did Walter know.

               I realized how adolescent I had made the situation.

               Once I had denied that my affair with Walter's wife had 
               anything to do with Walter's suicide, I said, "Nicola - please - 
               calm down. Does any of this really matter to us. I admit I 
               was jealous of you and Schubel. But you knew that already. 
               Didn't you?"

               "Hey, I didn't know you were actually doing it with Zinta."s 
               I had a sickening thought of my child being in Walter's wife 
               then I changed my thoughts, "Why are you so jealous of it if 
               you don't love me."

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                                                                        36.


               "Look - I'm a jealous personin general - oh crap - I don't 
               know what I'm saying. Look - Bernard - oh fuck. Look ... I 
               let you go to New Ottawa without me didn't I ... Look, let's 
               just try to put everything that's in our way ..."she took a 
               long breath then finished her sentence, "...behind us."

               "Good," I said. "I'm sorry for getting upset. I just wanted 
               to see you."

               Then within my head, I heard, 'Even if nothing matters? Even 
               if nothing matters at all?'

               "Bernard? DId you hear me?"

               "No, sorry, I drifted off for a second."

               "I said I'll meet you at eight. Is that all right?"

               "Yeah," I said then we finished off the call with some 
               niceties while I heard more dire statements surface to my 
               mind, 'Your only solution is death. She will never be like 
               Zinta. Die and you'll be free.'

               I hung up the pay phone and drifted out into the street in 
               sympathy with my hovering mind.

               'It's hopeless to htink she can replace Zinta. Only following 
               Zinta into death will work. You want peace of mind not a 
               romance. Don't be afraid to die. You want to be what you 
               were before you were even born. Death is your only solution.'

               My attempt to live by intuition was backfiring. Everything I 
               had been told by Walter and Dempsey was resurfacing inmy 
               mind in my own kind of language.

               'Right at this moment you have all the answers you need. Why 
               continue to resent Walter for trying to kill you? If you had 
               gone through with it you would have had the peace of mind 
               you've been looking for.'

               Then I whispered to myself, "You see? If you'd had the power 
               over everyone else that you should've had from the start, 
               you wouldn't have been tricked into listening to Walter and 
               Dempsey."

               I walked to the subway and went back to my flat. I dressed 
               myself in my best clothes, which weren'te xactly good enough 
               for a posh place like the National Theatre, then I checked 
               my map for the theatre's location and took the subway.

               I hardly noticed what the exterior of the theatre was like 
               when I arrived. I just went to the ticket window and bought 
               two tickets for a play called 'A Pinch of Wind'. It sounded 
               like a comedy to me and I hoped it was with a title like 
               that.

               I saw Nicola arrive. She was right on time.

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                                                                        37.


               She approached me smiling in a flowered pattern dress. She 
               wasn't dressed any less appropriately for the theatre then I 
               was, but she made me laugh irrationally.

               "What's wrong, don't you like my dress?" Nicola asked me.

               "It's just the opposite," I laughed, "I love it! I can't 
               ..."

               I laughed again, "...say why I'm feeling so good right now!"

               "Well, I'm happy you're happy," she said with a kiss to my 
               lips.

               I gave her the tickets then we entered the lobby of the 
               theatre and then were shown to our seats. I settled down and 
               looked forward to the show. We sat in the back of the theatre 
               but the view of the main stage was perfect.

               'Kill yourself'.

               I turned and looked to see if Nicola had said something to 
               me.

               "Nicola, did you say something to me?"

               "No," she said.

               'Do it soon. There's no point in living, or for waiting for 
               something else to kill you.'

               I guessed what was happening to me. I said to Nicola, "I was 
               wondering if you happened to bring some of the Church's drug 
               with you?"

               "Yeah, I did," she said, "But I don't have any on me at the 
               moment. Why?"

               "I think I may be going through some kind of withdrawal 
               sumptoms at the moment."

               "The crystal isn't addictive, you know."

               "I tell you, it must be."

               Nicola kissed me and then pulled my head towards her bosom 
               to comfort me.

               The play started and ruined everything. I had to sit up again 
               and comfort myself until intermission.

               'You know, she's not my Zinta and she's not a replacement 
               mother either.'

               I was getting very irritated by the voices.

               'You know, it's not as though you have a need to sleep with 
               your mother, there's no such Oedipus Complex out there -what

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                                                                        38.


               you wanted was to have never been born at all - you wanted 
               to have never been conceived. You can never get back in the 
               womb. Only your death will return you to wherever you really 
               came from.'

               "Did you see that?" Nicola said from the side of her mouth 
               and with a nudge to my arm.

               "No," I said.

               "The dentist stuck his head out of the ceiling," she 
               whispered.

               "Oh, I missed that," I said.

               She laughed with the whole audience at some pratfall.

               'Kill yourself. Kill yourself.'

               For the remainder of the first acts until intermission I 
               divided my attentions to the degree where I wasn't able to 
               pay much attention to anything at all.

               During intermission Nicola realized something was wrong and 
               offered to take me home. I agreed and we left the show early.

               She took me to the subway but I asked her not to travel with 
               me home because of the chance that she could be spotted with 
               me. She was understanding and agreed that this would be the 
               best course of action. I promised to contact her the next 
               day after I met with Buddy so that we could work on the 
               problem of the Red and Whites together.

               I went home and was getting ready for bed when I decided to 
               check on the underwear man.

               I looked out between my curtains and saw the man standing in 
               his underwear as usual with his face pressed against his 
               window. I was afraid he would see me. I nearly closed the 
               curtains to return to the bathroom when the underwear man 
               took his face off the glass and turned his back to me. I 
               stayed to see what he would do next. He walked across his 
               living room, slapped the top of his TV, then came back to 
               the window and pressed his face against the glass again. He 
               repeated his movements several times before I became bored 
               and returned to my preparations for bed.

               Just before I went to bed I checked on the underwear man one 
               more time and he hadn't changed his routine. More senseless 
               actions to fill time in a senseless world.

               'Kill yourself, that'll be all you'll need to do.'

               "Power..." I said out loud to the voices then finished under 
               my breath, "Power over everyone else. Power over everything 
               else."

               I jumped into bed.

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                                                                        39.


               My mantra wasn't as effective this night. I lay awake battling 
               the voices in my head with mumbling and games until I wore 
               myself out.

               I felt a hand touch my scarred cheek. A finger brusehd across 
               the scar over and over.

               "Will you fuck-off," I said. "Let me get some sleep, will 
               you?"

               I wacked away the irritant and rolled over.

               "Get up you ass-hole."

               I suddenly opened my fat eyes and Buddy was sitting on a 
               stool beside me. I jumped up from the shock.

               "Settle down there," Buddy told me. "What have you found 
               out?"

               "Ah.... How did you get in?"

               "Answer the question."

               "Buddy, I'm not with Sam, I'm with the Prime Minister. My 
               job has direct contact with the Prime Minister."

               "Ooooo, that does sound better doesn't it?" he said to 
               himself.

               Buddy then altered his original question, "Well, did you 
               find out anything about the Nuclear program?"

               "Only ... the Prime Minister did say that her crowning moment 
               of her career was finished or something like that."

               "Was she specific about what it was she was talking about?"

               "No, she wasn't."

               Buddy got up and paced the floor. He then sat at a table and 
               pulled out an envelope. Out of the envelope he took a piece 
               of paper and spread it down on the table. He took out a pen 
               and began to print.

               I heard him mumble something to himself. It sounded like he 
               said, "No more time."

               I got out of bed and changed my clothes in the bathroom. 
               When I came out Buddy was holding a gun at me. I aksed what 
               he was doing as he frisked me.

               "I'm just making usre," Buddy said,"that I'm not your next 
               victim."

               He was as much a murderer as I was yet his tone of voice 
               made it seem like he was some innocent waif just looking 
               both ways before crossing the street.

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                                                                        40.


               "Okay, you're clean," he said.

               "You were smart enough to buy a bug sweep" he continued while 
               tossing the electronic sweep I'd hidden in the kitchen on 
               the couch, "I thought you might have got some kind of weapon 
               as well - you asshole."

               I didn't know why he called me an asshole but I recalled my 
               survival tip; play humble, play low.

               "Everything's changed," he told me. "We don't have time to 
               fool around. I've already found out that the nuclear weapons 
               program has been active for years and will be on line in a 
               few days. The referendum shit was just shit. They wanted to 
               make it public but now they can't.

               "We have to stop them. Everything is not ready yet, but I 
               need to start now before they have all their weapons systems 
               hooked up. Just remember you're on our side and if you do 
               anything to tell them who's behind this- " He handed me the 
               letter he had just ben working on, "We'll get your little 
               girlfriend in Killarney and make her redundant."

               'What a blunder,' I said to myself while trying to look 
               worried, 'He doesn't even know where she is.'

               "Buddy, I have no idea who's behind the Red and Whites."

               "Sure, you just say that to the government and everything 
               will be fine."

               Buddy pointed at the letter I held and said, "You take this 
               and give it to the Prime Minsiter directly; it'll save time. 
               She's going to ask you a lot of questions about this letter; 
               where you got it and that shit. I want you to do everything 
               she wants except let her have people follow you and never 
               mentions who's behind the Red and Whites."

               "I told you I don't know that."

               "For fuck's sake, you better not."

               Buddy told me it was time I went to work. I did as he told 
               me to and left.

               Buddy had a few more things to tell me. I had to wait for 
               the PM to write a quick response before I came back to him. 
               Then he told me where I could find him afterwards.

               He suddenly told me again that it was time I went to work. I 
               did as he said and left.

               'Wow! If he doesn't know where Nicola is then I've probably 
               over estimated the Red and Whites.'

               I phoned Nicola as soon as I reached the subway. I said I 
               would meet her at her hotel. I went there by subway constatnly

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        41.


               checking over my shoulder and double-backing to make sure I 
               wasn't being followed.

               I arrived at Nicola's hotel, took the elevator to the tenth 
               floor then walked up the remaining six to her floor. I knocked 
               on her door but Dempsey answered; I'd forgotten he was with 
               her. I'd wanted him out of my mind.

               "Hi, Dempsey," I said appeasingly.

               "Please, use Mister before my last name."

               "What is wrong with you, Mister. Why the hell would it matter 
               to you, you the prince of logic, reason, and bullshit!"

               "Hey, I'm sorry for the stressful time you've had, but it's 
               the little respect that can be afforded to me that makes my 
               life worth living."

               "That - is - so - stupid. Stupid! You've killed me and Walter 
               with your ideas and to top it off it was all bullshit!"

               "You think what you want. I never said I had any great purpose 
               in life."

               Nicola then yelled at us from the washroom to shut up.

               I grudgingly tried to be respectful to Mr. Dempsey. He tried 
               too. Then I asked him if he had any letter writing material. 
               He showed me what he had and he turned out to have letterhead, 
               compliments of the hotel. I asked if he could go out to the 
               store and buy some that didn't have a heading of any kind. I 
               was vague about why I wanted it but said it ws important.

               Just as Dempsey went on his errand Nicola came out of the 
               washroom in a robe with a towel on her head while I opened 
               the letter that Buddy had asked me to give to the PM.

               It read as folllows:

               This may seem like a joke ot you, but it is far from being 
               one. I am authorized by my superiors to tell you that your 
               attempts to arm your military with nuclear systems must come 
               to an immediate end. There is nothing

               you can do but to comply with this demand. We know your 
               schedule for bringing your weapons on line. October 24 is 
               the completions date. We will give you now choice, you must 
               disarm and destroy your entire program.

               To prove we have the power to make these demands we will 
               detonate a large conventional explosive in any town you pick 
               for us. If you fail to respond we will choose for you and 
               start with our Nuclear demonstration.

               The messenger is one of us. If he is molested, followed or 
               bugged the target will be New Ottawa. Give him an immediate

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                                                                        42.


               written response. With your choice of target and within six 
               hours that place will be destroyed.

               I let my breath out when I realized what I was holding.

               Nicola was reading over my shoulder and finished it about 
               the same time that I did.

               "This is incredible," Nicola said. "Do you think they can do 
               it?"

               "I don't know. This is not exactly what I thought they would 
               do. I didn't think they would challenge the hwole government 
               directly. I didn't think they were that powerful."

               "What are you going to do with it now?"

               "I'm just waiting for Mr. Dempsey to get some blank writing 
               material."

               "Why?"

               "I'm sticking my own agenda into this. I'm going to copy 
               this letter out in my own hand writing, just as Buddy wrote 
               it. Then if there are anymore letters I'll be able to change 
               them when I want to."

               "Look, I've been involved in a lot of scams over the years. 
               Maybe I should be the one doing the writing."

               "What if I don't have the time to meet you here, I've got to 
               do it."

               The truth was, there was no way I was going to let this 
               opportunity to have some 'Power over everything else' pass 
               me by.

               Dempsey arrived with the material and I exchanged his material 
               for the letter, so that he could read it.

               "This is phenomenal!" Mr. Dempsey said. "Is it for real? Did 
               you write this?"

               I let Nicola explain the whole problem while I copied Buddy's 
               letter word for word.

               "I've got to hurry," I todl Nicola and Dempsey. I told the 
               two of them not to be far from their phone. That things would 
               be happening pretty fast.

               I hurried from the hotel to the hotel to the subway and took 
               the magnetic train to the Ministry. Just as I was about to 
               enter the Ministry building I remembered the bug detectors 
               the door security had - a series of connections started in 
               my mind until I crossed the moment when Buddy was in my 
               apartment and he mentioned my bug detector - when he was in 
               my apartment he had plenty of time while I slept to plant 
               some listening device in one or all of my clothes.

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                                                                        43.


               I panicked.

               "Anything wrong sir?" the first security guard I appraoched 
               said to me.

               "No. Nothing. I just forgot some pills I needed."

               'Oh, God. If he bugged me, the bastards will have heard 
               everything I said with Nicola - but he knew I would be checked 
               for bugs though... but if Buddy doesn't mind Sam knowing I 
               work for the Red and Whites it wouldn't matter if I was 
               caught, would it? God, Buddy might know everything I said to 
               Nicola. God, God, God!'

               I went through the security terrified by every delay.

               "It's alright, sir. I'd be as strung out as you if I had 
               your job." All the guards laughed together at me.

               I walked away, having forgotten all about what I had been 
               scared about and thinking, 'Play humble, you'll get them.'

               I waited only a few minutes before Arnold came by to take me 
               to the PM. A briefcase was locked aroundmy wrist again, b ut 
               this time when I picked it up I could tell it was empty. I 
               guessed they had to keep up appearances.

               As I arrived in front of the PM's office I decided I wasn't 
               going ot waste a second to give her the letter. But as it 
               turned out, she was so eager to save time herself she started 
               to undress me without waiting to unlock the briefcase from 
               my wrist.

               "Excuse me, Prime Minister, but I have something important 
               to give to you."

               "Are you kidding. That case never has anything important in 
               it. It's just a little nostalgia on my part that keeps your 
               official job alive."

               "I'm not referring to the briefcase, and if you'd let me do 
               up my clothes...Thank you... I have something to give you." 
               I handed her Buddy's message.

               "What's this? Is it a petition?" She read it and offered an 
               answer to her own question, "This is a joke. Who the hell do 
               you think you are?"

               "Don't blame the messenger," I said. "I'm just one of their 
               slaves."

               "Am I supposed to take this seriously?"

               "I think you should." Then I remembered that I'd better 
               pretend I hadn't read the letter. I tried to look over the 
               PM's shoulder then I asked, "If it says anything about me 
               could you tell me what it says."

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                                                                        44.


               "No! For Christ's sake! Whoever the hell thinks they can 
               send an idiot like you to carry a threat to the greatest 
               single power on earth is no less a moron than you ... most... 
               obviously... are," she said as she mulled over the letter 
               again.

               "So what are you going ot do? They want me to bring back a 
               response right away."

               "No! It's a joke, It must be. Anyway, the government of Canada 
               will never give into threats -  what do you know of this 
               threat?"

               "All I know is that I'm part of an organization called the 
               Red and Whites. They told me I could tell you anything you 
               wanted to know about it."

               "Why?" she scolded, "because you don't know anything?"

               "I guess so."

               "This is outrageous - who's behind them? Are they from some 
               other country?"

               "I don't know. All the members I've ever seen are Canadians - 
               look, I was told to give you only enough time to write down 
               a reply. Hey, I'm not doing this for fun or for money. Like 
               a slave, my life is on the line here."

               "Do you think I care? I've got my own problems at the moment."

               Then she thought for a second and asked me, "Where did Sam 
               pick you up from anyway?"

               "Killarney, Ontario."

               The PM grabbed a map of Canada, some personal stationary, 
               wrote a short reply and put it in an envelope.

               "This better be a sick joke," she said as she handed me her 
               letter.

               I walked to her desk to accept the letter and held up the 
               briefcase as she unlocked it. Then I said, "I'd rather be 
               your slave, you know."

               As she shook with both adrenaline and sexual desire I knew 
               the word slave repeated enough times had meant something to 
               her. I let her do wahtever she wanted to do with my body 
               until she put herself into such a state of depravity she 
               couldn't see me stealing some of her stationary from her 
               drawer.

               As I left she woke up enough to say, " I hope these Red and 
               Whites didn't mean to say I couldn't molest you like this."

               I left her on the floor as the phone rang. She had temporarily 
               become an unwilling player in a game of power where not

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        45.


               answering a ringing phone, as she was doing, could mean a 
               missed opportunity to defeat an opponnet. I felt like a real 
               power broker.

               Arnold took me home again. But instead of going back in my 
               apartment I hid in a stairwell of a neighbouring building 
               and read the PM's response.

               'Killarney'

               I checked it over and over again for anything else written 
               on it.

               'Oh my God!' I thought, 'Does this mean out of all the places 
               in the whole fuckin' country, she picked Killarney? It can't 
               be. I can't believe it! - She must have wanted revenge for 
               finding me there! For Christ's sake she's going to kill 
               Walter's wife and Schubel and... my baby!'

               I took out the stationary that I stole from the PM's office 
               and wrote down, 'Toronto'.

               I figured at least a few of the Red and Whites would be caught 
               in it if Toronto was the target.

               I folded up the letter and was about to lick it closed when 
               I realized that if I gave Buddy the letter with Toronto as 
               the target this game would be up. The PM wouldn't hvae the 
               proof of the Red and Whites' power because they wouldn't 
               hvae succeeded in destroying what they said they could 
               destroy.

               I put the letter down without licking it closed and tried to 
               think of all the implications.

               'My old frineds in Toronto might get caught in it too. Forget 
               Toronto.'

               I tore up the letter wtih Toronto written on it and counted 
               how many more pieces of the PM's stationary I had left.

               'Kill yourself and you won't have any more worries.'

               The voices were back again.

               'Power over everything else,' I countered.

               'You must face your death again.'

               'Power over EVERYTHING else!'

               'You can't escape your own doom.'

               I tried to detach my mind from myself and consider what the 
               solution should be.

               'If you change the target, Bernard, you won't hvae 
               accomplished anything. Buddy will find out when his

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        46.


               demonstration doesn't work, that I was responsible. Then 
               what will happen? You and the whole country will be doomed. 
               You've got to think of what will be the best thing for the 
               whole country and the world if necessary.'

               'Power...' I said to myself, 'for the best outcome in the 
               long run over everything else.'

               I laughed to myself, "Not much of a slogan, is it? Too 
               awkward."

               I knew I was signing the death warrant of all the people in 
               Killarney. Walter's wife and my kid. But I remained detached 
               long enough to copy the PM's choice with a steady hand. I 
               realized I was only acting on behalf of fate.

               'What a horrible world,' I thought to myself as I licked the 
               envelope closed and started to go to the place Buddy told me 
               to meet him.

               'Walter was smarter than he even knew.'

               "Shut up!" I said.

               'You can't stop knowing the truth about life just because 
               you want to be ignorant again - you can't stop knowing what 
               you know. Walter may have been trying to trick you by using 
               Mr. Dempsey's ideas but he could see how true those ideas 
               were, that's why he killed himself. You've tried every avenue 
               of escape from this truth, if you want I'll go over it again 
               for you?'

               "Just be quiet."

               'First you can't see how God makes any difference because 
               God has no more reason to exist then you do. Second, every 
               reason you want to make you stay alive is either a trick of 
               your biology or of your own creation to blind you from seeing 
               how pointless life really is. Third-'

               "Stop!" I said as I stepped on the subway.

               'Third, the only thing that is real to you is whatever is 
               happening to you at the present. That means when you face 
               your death, whether it is in five minutes or in fifty years 
               you will be experiencing no less real experience one way or 
               the other. While if you wait fifty years you'll be able to 
               claim to have fifty more years of useless baggage that you 
               can't take with you. So don't let a biological trick keep 
               you alive any longer. Die now, not later. Life causes death. 
               Life is the only factor that causes death.'

               "Shut up you ...I'm sorry, sir, I didn't mean you. I wasn't 
               talking to you either, madam."

               'Fifth, you owe a debt to justice that will only be addressed 
               when you do something for society. When you put the whole 
               world out of its misery-'

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                                                                        47.


               "Shut up." I got off the subway and reversed directions. I 
               was using every device to avoid being followed that I'd ever 
               been taught in the Cadets.

               I ended up meeting Buddy in the south end of the city and 
               gave him the envelope. He said, "You asshole," again - totally 
               unprovoked.

               When he read it he told me to meet him in a few hours in 
               another part of the city, then we parted.

               'Do it now, what could you be waiting for?' the voice said.

               "Look, I'm not listening."

               I phoned up Nicola and Mr. Dempsey and told them I was coming 
               over.

               Because of my eagerness I may have been a little sloppy about 
               checking to make sure I wasn't followed, but I figured I'd 
               done enough already.

               As soon as I saw Mr. Dempsey I asked him, "Did you ever tell 
               me something about the present never changing it's always 
               the only real time?"

               "No, but that's an interesting idea."

               Nicola said hello to me and asked what happened.

               I was afraid to tell her, I just handed her the PM's real 
               response.

               "Well, we've got to change it," she said while handing it to 
               Mr. Dempsey.

               I hesitated to tell her it was too late.

               "Wait," said Mr. Dempsey to Nicola, "if you change the target 
               then the Red and Whites won't have demonstrated their power 
               to the Government and that could spell much more serious 
               consequences. I'm sure the Red and Whites would know it was 
               you Bernard that did this.

               "As much as this may seem cruel," Mr. Dempsey continued, "we 
               must not change the target. No matter where the target is 
               people will most likely be killed. Nicola? Do you want the 
               responsibility for choosing another target and condemning 
               those equally innocent people to death?"

               "How can we pass this on and condemn our friends to death?!" 
               pleaded Nicola.

               "It's already done, Nicola. For the reason Mr. Dempsey gave," 
               I said.

               Nicola became enraged, "Bernard, you bastard!" I went to sit 
               down in the bathroom and wait for her to calm down, with Mr.

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                                                                        48.


               Dempsey taking the brunt of the abuse for sympathizing with 
               my decision.

               Eventually Nicola was resigned to what happened and was 
               willing to try and understand the reasons for my decision. 
               Her point was that no one should vever be sacrificed for a, 
               so presumed, higher purpose.

               Nicola suddenly said she needed to get some fresh air and 
               left the hotel room. I wondered if she realized the trouble 
               she would need to go through in this city to find fresh air.

               "How are things with you?" Mr. Dempsey asked me when Nicola 
               stepped out.

               "I guess you could say I'm under a little stress."

               "You know, when I offered to help you, I never wanted to 
               make you feel suicidal. I hate myself when I have that effect 
               on people."

               "You should," I said.

               "Yeah, well maybe I should."

               "Did I misunderstand you or something? Is that why things 
               went wrong?"

               "Yes and no," Mr. Dempsey said. "You only misunderstood the 
               need to tap into your own meaningful things, the things that 
               you would want to live for."

               "What if my meaningful things do just the opposite? You know, 
               pull me down?" I was acting like a brat so I tried tomodify 
               my attitude.

               "I never seriously considered that before. I always considred 
               my beliefs to be liberating from the things that pull me 
               down."

               "...A person like me -" I said, "my meaningful things in 
               life are all ones that I want to escape from. I can't help 
               but try to escape them. You've liberated me all right but 
               away from what was important to me and into the things I was 
               trying not to face. I'm not sure you know what you've 
               liberated me into."

               "I don't know what to say."

               "Have you heard of teh term the Big Truth?"

               "Yeah - No, I got it mixed up with the Big Lie. I would guess 
               it's the opposite of that. Let's see... instead of a lie 
               being too big to believe it could be false, the truth is too 
               big to believe it could be true. That right?"

               "Maybe. But to me the Big Truth is everything and what 
               everything means to me. The Tricks you keep on talking about

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        49.


               stop us from wanting to see the Big Truth. The Tricks just 
               keep on telling us to stay in this life, which is nothing 
               but a prison. It tells us life is precious only because it 
               makes us fear the Big Truth. Tricks that I hear over and 
               over again want to make us oblivious, to make us sleep, to 
               control us - for no reason! Tricks exist only because nothing 
               would be able to exist without them! How it all started 
               doesn't matter. How could it matter? It's like arguing over 
               who's to blame for the first Chinese civil war or who left 
               the toilet seat up." I started to run out of steam and then 
               I rambled on to finish my speech with a few 'um's.

               I figured I'd made my point and told him I had no more time 
               to talk, that it was time for me to go. He tried to engage 
               me further on the subject but I just asked him to make sure 
               someone was here at all times so that I could get their help 
               as this whole damn thing progressed.

               I met Buddy as we had arranged and he gave me his message 
               for the PM. I started to the PM's office, but first I found 
               a good building to hide in and went inside the stairwell to 
               read the letter,

               '

               If you're ready to talk, I'm willing to do so now that you 
               have seen what we can do. Our basic demand for your government 
               to stand down all nuclear systems cannot be negotiated. 
               Compliance is our goal. Nothing less.

               These are the details that are on the table...'

               The letter listed the timetables by which the nuclear program 
               should be dismantled by the United Nations. I took a big 
               breath of stale air and started my rewrite of the letter. 
               The only thing that I changed was that I eliminated the 
               implication that Buddy wanted to talk directly to the PM. I 
               didn't want to lose my new job and I gave the timetables 
               that Buddy talked about as absolute demands, not as negotiable 
               items. I sealed the blank envelope and went to the PMo, making 
               another short stop to hide my writing materials.

               Security in Parliament was much tighter than usual and 
               tourists were being denied entry. I, on the other hand, was 
               given security clearance on sight, and taken directly in to 
               see the Prime Minister. Sam was in her office as well.

               "Who do you work for? Who are these people?" she said. "They 
               did it! Bernard, tell me who you think they are?"

               "What did they do?" I asked.

               "They blew up Killarney, you idiot."

               I was upset.

               Sam waded in, "Doesn't it mean anything to you that these 
               people you're working for have killed your wife and family?"

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                                                                        50.


               "Of course it does!" I said as earnestly as possible 
               considering I had no family left. Except my baby. I guessed 
               I'd spared it an eventual death sentence.

               "Who are these monsters? Who is your contact with these 
               people? I'd kill you for that information if it would do any 
               good."

               "He says he's running the Red and Whites in Canada, his name 
               is Buddy. It's a fake name," I answered.

               "If you could kill him for us od you think it would stop 
               this whole thing?" the PM asked.

               "I've already tried that," I said.

               "What do you mean?" the PM asked.

               "I killed the last leader of the Red and Whites - in self 
               defense mind you." I said this and handed the stunned PM the 
               new letter from Buddy.

               The equally dumbfounded Sam walked over to the PM and the 
               two of them read the letter.

               "I know what to do," the PM said to Sam.

               She went over to her computer terminal and started to type 
               furiously. When she was finished she printed out her reply, 
               quickly sealed it in an envelope and handed it to me. I walked 
               out of her office, then was escorted by two body building 
               women to the main entrance of Parliament and released.

               I did everything I could, once again, to make sure I wasn't 
               being followed. I found my stationary where I hid it and 
               discovered another hiding spot to read the message.

               '

               If the United Nations is going to be your took in this dispute 
               then the nations of the entire world have something to finally 
               be united about. Their destruction.

               You have tried to hide behind your anonymity but I have 
               decided that you and your supporters can have no refuge, and 
               no quarter. If you mean to subdue this United Nations member, 
               Canada, with the threat to destroy it from within, therefore 
               avoiding the need of a revealing attack from an outside power, 
               then I am authorizing retaliation to take place against all 
               other members of the United Nations, subsequent to any further 
               moves on your part.

               In case your mind cannot calculate the seriousness of this 
               counter-threat let me explain a few things. Your stand-up 
               timetable for our nuclear weapons was incorrect.

               October 24 is the official stand-up deadline but for a

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                                                                        51.


               new weapons delivery system. It is completely non-

               fraticiding, MIRV, TSSAP, IRRa and Mighty Mouse system, and 
               it is far ahead of schedule. But you must understand this. 
               We didn't need the nuclear weapons referendum to allow us to 
               use nuclear weapons but to allow us to use their reputation. 
               You see, the weapons that really matter we have already had 
               in our possession for the past eighteen months. You might 
               consider them conventional in design, but more powerful than 
               the type you used against Killarney, in fact they are equal 
               to nuclear in destructive power.

               One other point I think I should make. My orders

               would survive any direct attack on my person or on New Ottawa.

               Give me a buzz some time. (214) 28651-83625     '

               I shook when I read the PM's letter. She had gone to the 
               brink. I put down the print-out on the steps of the stairwell 
               and took a deep breath.

               'Who the hell is running this world?' I thought. 'She's going 
               to go voer the edge without me. I guess she's acting like 
               this because Canada would have no power left if it gave in 
               here. It's a stalemate at the moment - maybe that's for the 
               best. Maybe I've been getting too radical for my own good. 
               Maybe I should retreat a bit. After all, it's the best 
               interests of the world I'm fighting for.

               'I guess I do care enough about this world to do something - 
               Hey - I just realized I finally do have power over everyone 
               else - everything else I mean. What should I do? Oh my God, 
               I really do have the power. I could change this letter into 
               anything I want to - within limits - I mean Buddy will need 
               to believe it for it to work - Christ - I couldn't change 
               this letter too mcuh - I mean Buddy will need to know that 
               it's a stalemate at the moment - I mean I better copy this 
               out.'

               I copied in my own hand-writing from the PM's letter. I 
               decided to chop out the last line about giving her a buzz. I 
               replaced it with, 'This will be our last correspondence of 
               any sort.'

               When I came to the end of the letter I looked at the printout 
               and my handwritten letter and noticed that I needed to 
               transfer one more thing to my letter, the signature of the 
               Prime Minister. I was stuck. I had no talent for forgery. I 
               knew I needed Nicola to do it so I picked up all my material 
               and wsent zigzagging to Nicola's hotel.

               Nicola was int he room alone and I showed her the two versions 
               of the PM's letter. She asked me why I had changed the last 
               line ot imply that there would be no negotiations. I told 
               her that I hoped that it would cause a stalemate. She agreed 
               that that would be a good outcome and forged the PM's 
               signature for me.

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                                                                        52.


               "I've got to run," I said.

               "If this works, and there is a stalemate, do you think the 
               Red and Whites will let us go?"

               I almost told her that the Red and Whites didn't know hwere 
               she was and therefore she had nothing to worry about from 
               them at that moment, but I didn't because then she would 
               want to leave New Ottawa with me as soon as possible. Just 
               when I could sense that I was about to fulfill my quest that 
               I'd had since Zinta's death - to really escape the prison of 
               life somehow, but more importantly, after all I'd done against 
               innocent people, all the suffering I'd caused, perhaps it 
               was the chance I needed to redeem myself.

               She grabbed me while more tears for Schubel and Killarney 
               poured off her face. And before I left she gave me a big 
               hug. We kissed and I left to meet Buddy.

               'Suicide, that's the only way,' the voices said.

               I met Buddy and gave him the letter.

               "What the hell's going on here?" he said. "Is she dictating 
               these responses to someone? You've got two kidns of hand 
               writing on this note."

               I nearly cried from fright, neither Nicola nor I had noticed 
               that inconsistency. "Yes, sir, she dictates to a man in her 
               office and then signs them. Is there something wrong sir?"

               "No," he said as he began to look at the rest of the letter.

               "Shit!" Buddy said.

               Then he asked me, "Is this for real? Do they have these 
               weapons?"

               "I don't know what you're talking about?"

               "They're bluffing, I know it. I'm going to make this call on 
               my own. They're bluffing."

               Buddy took out a scrap of paper and an envelope and made a 
               quick note, put it in an envelope and gave it to me saying, 
               "I don't fuckin' care if they don't want to hear from me 
               anymore. You tell them that!"

               He sent me off and I left him for my next chance at 
               influencing the course of history. I suddenly remembered 
               that I left my stationary with Nicola and I had to return to 
               her hotel. Mr. Dempsey was there. But Nicola was out doing 
               something. I was glad I didn't need her forgery skills at 
               that moment but I asked Mr. Dempsey to make sure that she 
               was there at all times n the future or else the whole scam 
               would collapse. While I read the note Mr. Dempsey tried to 
               read it over my shoulder but I told him to stay out of it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        53.


               '

               Prove you have these weapons and then we'll talk.  '

               I changed Buddy's note to say:

               '

               We don't believe you have these weapons you claim to have. 
               No one can make conventional weapons as powerful as nuclear. 
               Our timetable demand for the complete destruction of your 
               nuclear weapons has been pushed forward to October 22.

               If you don't reply with complete submission every city in 
               Canada will be destroyed. You have no options.     '

               When I finished my letter I placed it in an envelope and 
               turned to talk to Mr. Dempsey, "Why do you continue to worhsip 
               your life - and every other life? You know for a fact that 
               life is only prolonged suffering. And not only is it just an 
               accident that we were created but we are only perpetuated by 
               Tricks and deceptions. How does your mind function under 
               that conflict? How? How can you stomach a whole world of 
               shit -shit - shit! That's the Big Truth, you know."

               "Bernard, I think you better calm down. Yes it's all true, 
               but you cna't overcome the 'Trick' like you earlier said you 
               can. There's no point in fighting it. Live with it."

               "That sounds to me," I said, "like another element in the 
               'Trick'. Tell me this, if this squabble is for real and they 
               launch strikes at each other, won't the whole world, at least, 
               escape the 'Trick'? Won't everybody just not exist anymore? 
               Won't everybody just go to sleep like they always wanted?"

               "I don't want to go to sleep for one thing, Bernard. But 
               some kind of life will continue to live most likely. Some 
               kind of 'Trick' will always have a place on earth, I would 
               assume. That's the Big Truth."

               I waked out onMr. Dempsey smiling with confidence only when 
               I knew he couldn't see my face.

               Then an idea struck me like a door being slammed in my face.

               I went down to the red-light district and looked for a 
               representative of the Church of God. But when I was unable 
               to find one nor any free handouts of the crystal pamphlets I 
               was able to buy one off of a scalping hooker. I ripped it 
               into three parts so that I would hvae three tries to get it 
               right.

               The voices in me didn't say a word the whole trip to 
               Parliament. I guessed I was in harmony with them finally.

               Just before I arrived at the gate I licked vigourously the 
               first piece of the crystal drug. Then as I entered the

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                                                                        54.


               Parliament I was armed in a way no one could suspect. I was 
               taken directly into the PMO.

               "Why haven't they called?" the PM asked me. "Do you have 
               another message?"

               I walked over to give ti to her but first I slipped behind 
               her and caressed her buttocks. She knew what her duty to the 
               country was supposed to be in a moment of crisis but she 
               couldn't resist the prospect of the 'Trick'. She grabbed my 
               crotch and threw her mouth on mine. The weapon was launched, 
               she was going to be a god for a day, just as she always 
               wanted.

               I stood away from her and gave her the message. She read it.

               "Well," she said to Sam who had just walked in, "it lookslike 
               we're going to need to proveour resolve in thsi matter after 
               all."

               She typed out a response, printed it, signed it and handed 
               it to me in an envelope.

               "You tell 'em, those insignificant little pawns, that nobody 
               and I mean nobody, is going to tell me what to do. Understand 
               me Bernard?"

               Remembering an old saying of Julie's, 'Flattery is the gold 
               of the gods', I said to the PM, "You're the most beautiful 
               woman the world has ever seen."

               Sam was startled by the behaviour he was witnessing but 
               remained too scared of it to try and change it.

               "Youknow I never thought so until now, Bernard, I don't even 
               need to look in a mirror. I can feel my beauty. I'm 
               beautiful."

               It was power that she was feeling. I was feeling it too. But 
               whereas her power was over something she believed was 
               important, the world, I knew it to be simply a multiple of 
               nothing. I guessed that was why the drug wasn't affecting me 
               like it was affectng her the drug was making me feel like a 
               god, but my dominion was only a padded room.

               "They can shit their pants when they read this," the PM said. 
               Then she told me to go.

               I left with this letter, a piece of someone's mind on paper. 
               It was no more significant than a speck of dust - the piece 
               of dust that started it all - that started life.

               I began to see where I was going with all this.

               But it had been a long day and I was hungry. I considered 
               going home but instead I went to have a quick bite in a 
               restaurant. I became so tired my judgement was a little slack. 
               I decided to read the PM's letter while I ate my sandwich.

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                                                                        55.


               '

               It's you that has no choice.

               Unless you back down or someone reveals the backers of this 
               blackmail, all you can expect to happen to the entire planet 
               is the same as whatever youdo to Cana-    '

               Someone was screaming in the restaurant. I stopped reading 
               to find out what was happening.

               A woman was screamingf at her friend - no - she was crying 
               aloud and her friend was helping her with something.

               I was about to continue reading when I heard the crying woman 
               say something about Killarney. I listened closely to the 
               woman's sobbing and I understood that she had relatives in 
               the Killarney area and was worried. She was listening to a 
               radio. I guessed Killarney's destruction was on the news 
               already.

               I heard several things about it as the radio was turned up. 
               "No figures on the loss of life have been given, but several 
               reports make it seem possible that no one would have been 
               able to survive such an explosion. The Provincial and Federal 
               Governments have declined to speculate on the cause but 
               observers from a nearby town said it looked like a nuclear 
               explosion."

               'all people do is line up to suffer,' I said to myself. 'Why? 
               Why? Why does anybody want to suffer? Nicola is suffering 
               right now because of this. Not Schubel. Schubel's not 
               suffering. Nicola is. She doesn't want to suffer. I don't 
               want her to suffer.'

               Then I continued reading the PM's letter.

               '...

               entire planet is the same as whatever you do to Canada. Our 
               subs and mobile launchers are on High Alert.

               And just to prove that we do have these weaons that you say 
               could not exist, we have decided to set an example of the 
               uninhabitable island of Bikini.             '

               She finished off her letter saying again she wanted direct 
               talks, this time it sounded more like a demand for direct 
               talks by phone and once again she included a phone number 
               for him to call with the postscript that the number was a 
               dedicated number that wouldn't be traced.

               I paid for my food and ran to Nicola's hotel.

               When I entered Nicola's room both Mr. Dempsey and Nicola 
               asked how I was. I told them I was fine and told them 
               everything was going fine. I said I was too busy to let them 
               get involved on this message and even when Nicola asked to

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                                                                        56.


               see the PM's latest response I said there was no point because 
               then we would have too many cooks in the kitchen, so to speak.

               I wrote privately:

               '

               We would rather die than backdown. If you don't believe we 
               have these weapons then you should hope there's no afterlife 
               where you would be able to see how wrong you were. If you 
               don't back down and surrender to our authorities all your 
               personnel and weapons of mass destruction within the territory 
               of the Republic of Canada, we will destroy you.

               You have eighteen hours to respond from this moment 17:52 
               Oct,20            '

               The launch against Bikini was going to look like a first 
               strike by the Red and Whites now that there was no warning 
               in the letter.

               When I finished the letter I folded it in such a way that 
               when Nicola forged the PM's signature she couldn't read what 
               I'd written. I pocketed the letter and was about to leave 
               when Nicola took my hands.

               "Bernard," Nicola said, "aren't you tired? It's been a long 
               day for you hasn't it?" She touched me and straightened my 
               clothes, then she hugged me.

               "Yeah, aren't you hungry?" Mr. Dempsey said.

               "No. I ate dinner already. And I put in a time-out period in 
               this latest message so we all could get some rest."

               "Ah, Bernard," Mr. dempsey said while Nicola stopped hugging 
               me and went into the washroom, "I promised you money to get 
               to New Ottawa, remember? If you finished my lessons. Right? 
               Forget the dice business, that was just a little mean-
               spiritedness on my part."

               "Yeah?"

               "Well, here is the money."

               "Wha - I don't need it!" I laughed as he stuffed it in my 
               hand, "I'm already in New Ottawa!"

               "But I promised it to you. So here it is."

               "But you never finished your so-called lessons." I stuffed 
               the money back in his hands.

               I could hear Nicola having a shower.

               "Okay, let's finish them."

               "What? Now?"

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                                                                        57.


               "Are you in a hurray or something?"

               "Yeah, I am," I said.

               "No, you're not." Mr. Dempsey grabbed my elbow and dragged 
               me to the couch. "You know, I don't think I was quite a good 
               enough teacher for you. Sometimes, an honest, searching person 
               like you needs time to put things in the right perspective. 
               I rushed straight to my final lesson without giving you the 
               first seven, or whatever."

               "Are you going to answer that question I asked you a couple 
               of hours ago?" I said. "Are you going to tell me how you can 
               live with your contradictions?"

               "I will," he said, "but lets do lesson one."

               "I don't need lesson one, in fact I'm going to return the 
               favour and give you a lesson one."

               "What do I need one for?"

               "You're the one with the problem it seems. I've solved mine."

               He didn't seem to want to ask how I was able to solve my 
               problem, instead he said, "Okay, we'll just talk for a while."

               "I need to go," I said, wiping my nose and getting up to go.

               "What if I agreed with you. That I do have a contradiction 
               in my life and by rights I shouldn't be able to live with 
               it?"

               I sat down again. "Do you agree with me that you do?"

               "No, not really - but hang on, don't go - I can live with 
               the contradiction between what I know is true and what I 
               love in my life due to what most adults call, after a period 
               of youthful disillusionment, growing up, getting a life. I 
               grew up, I got a life."

               "That's just another one of the Tricks, pretending that it 
               must have something to do with age. It doesn't," I said. "We 
               sit around telling ourselves - selling ourselves a whole 
               bill of goods simply to avoid facing death."

               "I know that, I'm the one who told you that. But you cna't 
               change that fact by killing yourself now - as opposed to 
               dying later. The question is why stop your life when it's 
               the only thing you've got. You won't feel better in death. 
               You won't feel. You won't even be."

               "I never wanted to be. I don't want to be happy or sad, loved 
               or not loved, a murderer or a person 'not guilty by reason 
               of temporary insanity.'"

               "There! Bernard, there is your problem. You can't reconcile 
               the issue of your girlfriend's death. It would be natural

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                                                                        58.


               for anyone to consider suicide in your situation considering 
               the guilt you must feel."

               "It's not guilt I'm suffering now, it's something like envy. 
               Something happened to me to make me want to kill her. I 
               resented her for - all I know is that I resented her for 
               something she did and I had to get even. Maybe it was as 
               simple as the fact I would need to fight for myself - that 
               she was leaving me. Well I ...after I killed her... not only 
               was I going to be alone but she ... was where I wanted to 
               be. I didn't think of it that way at the time. I was confused 
               about where I'd come from - I didn't know why I wanted to 
               hurt her. I was like a newborn child but with the strength 
               of an adult. I resented her for what she did to me: which 
               wasn't anything more than bring me into the world. Then I 
               compounded my confusion by ... I guess the best way to express 
               it is 'doing unto her as I would have others do unto me.' 
               Envy is what I have now - actually, it's more like jealousy. 
               That's it! Jealousy!"

               Nicola came out of the bathroom with a towel on her head and 
               wearing a bathrobe. She went over to me and sat beside me. 
               Then she leaned her damp towel-covered head against my chest.

               "Bernard, you're going to be late," Nicola said, vibrating 
               every word off my chest.

               I picked up all the remaining stationary to bring it with 
               me.

               Before I walked out I shook Mr. Dempsey's hand then turned 
               to Nicola, gave her a hug and kissed her fragrant face for 
               the last time.

               As Nicola said good-bye to me the towel came off her head 
               and her red hair bouncd up as though it was dry. She smiled 
               from behind her hair and I tried my best to remember her 
               this way.

               "I'm just going to finish this whole business. The whole 
               business - the lies, the deceptions, the Tricks, the 
               pointlessness, everything. You know, this world has been 
               faced with this problem  life - the Big Truth - and it finally 
               has an answer - a solution".  I had to let my thoughts get 
               out before I said my final good-byes. "Mr. Dempsey, you once 
               told me love triumphs. Well, that Trick is finally going to 
               backfire, because it's my love that's going to triumph - my 
               love for the suffering lives of this world."

               I went to meet Buddy to give my version of the PM's letter, 
               and a dose of the Crystal God.

               "We're being followed, Buddy," I whipsered when I met him.

               "Follow me," he said, then led me down a street, past a 
               bicycle accident scene, unti I saw a coffee shop.

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                                                                        59.


               "In here!" I said, grabbing Buddy's arm and taking him in to 
               have a drink. "Two teas," I told the woman at the counter. 
               "Buddy, find a seat. I'll be a second." While he found a 
               seat I fiddled in my pockets for the two remaining bits of 
               the drug pamphlets. I took one and palmed it. When I was 
               handed the teas I checked the pots and palmed the paper and 
               the drug into the tea. Then as I walked towards Buddy I 
               crumpled it, but couldn';t get rid of it. When I  sat down 
               on the booth seat opposite Buddy I dropped it on the floor.

               "Give me the letter," Buddy told me.

               "Here?" I protested before handing him the letter.

               "Buddy?" I went on, "Could you answer a couple of questions 
               for me?" There was one question I needed to ask him before I 
               died. "Before we do anything else, I want to know what 
               happened the night you found my girlfriend inmy apartment."

               "Look I want to read the letter. I don't have time for this," 
               he said.

               "Please. My memory of it is a big jumble of conflicting things 
               I'm not sure what I did. You see I went back after ... I 
               killed her and the place was a big mess. And she was on the 
               floor."

               "Hey, forget it, we don't have time for this shit"

               "You killed her after all, right? She was hanging alive from 
               the ceiling when you found her, right?" I asked, even though 
               I knew it wasn't true.

               "Nope," he said then for some reason he looked under the 
               table. I thougth he would realize what the wet paper was but 
               he popped his head up without changing his expression.

               I said nervously, "You must have arrived soon after I hung 
               her up, right?"

               "Nope."

               "Okay... tell me... please."

               "You're a jerk - look me and my partner got there in the 
               middle of the night. Long after she died. We were there to 
               stiff some activist guy in your building. Then some bitch in 
               your building saw us come in from her window; she yells at 
               us about it from her window. Ah, we were in our police 
               uniforms we couldn't hide from her. Anyway this bitch made a 
               complaint about a fight she heard from your flat. We told 
               her to go back to bed and went to check it out. We found 
               your girlfriend bent over backwards on the edge of the bed. 
               When my partner saw that she was rigor mortis he pulled her 
               off the bed to show me how stiff she was. Then we wanted to 
               find out who did it, I mean we were told by Bill and Perry 
               to scrounge up whoever we could find for the Red and Whites. 
               Anyway we couldn't stand the smell of puke on the bed so we

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        60.


               rolled up the bedsheets and threw 'em in the washroom. So 
               when we listened to your answering amchine we guessed it was 
               you that did it - and we went to look for you. So anyway, 
               when we came back later to finsih off that activist woman, 
               we were getting behind on that, we stopped in afterwards to 
               your apartment to find some more evidence. We found those 
               invitations to that fucked up wedding of yours and figured 
               we had time to destroy your building with the two bodies in 
               it -"

               "Two?" I asked.

               "Your hit and our hit. We destroyed the whole place by 
               smashing a few gas valves and setting it on fire. Anyway 
               your wedding couldn't have lasted more than five minutes, I 
               figured. We saw you with those assholes running away from 
               the cathedral. What more is there to say?"

               "What do you think caused those cuts on her arms?"

               "What cuts?"

               "Up and down her forearms. All over them."

               "There were no cuts on her arms. Now let me read the letter. 
               I think this will be a good one." Buddy finally took a sip 
               of his tea to wet his mouth after so much talking.

               "Could you tell me what this letter stuff is all about?" I 
               asked as a rouse.

               "For shit's sake let me alone!"

               My mind whirled with doubts about his story but I couldn't 
               sayu for certain that he was wrong.

               He looked at it and flew into a rage.He punched a wall but 
               just hurt his hand. "Those fucks. Those goddamn pieces of - 
               they want to move up the timetable."

               People stared at us and then a woman that worked there walked 
               up to us.

               "I'll move up the timetable for them - they don't want to 
               prove themselves, eh? Well, I'll prove it for them. Oh, I'll 
               respond, those goddamn fuck heads."

               I was afraid he was gong to respond with another letter but 
               I saw that he meant some other kind of response. A more total 
               kind I hoped.

               "I'm going to squish them like ants. I'm going to make them 
               wish they'd never been born. They're going to beg me and beg 
               me and beg me and beg me..."

               The woman that worked there reached under my table and picked 
               up the wet piece of the crystal pamphlet. She said, "Could 
               you please keep your personal opinions to yourself and you,"

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                                                                        61.


               she said to me, "if you drop anymore garbage on the floor 
               I'll kick you out of here!" She dropped the wad of paper in 
               front of us.

               I waited for Buddy's reaction. He was staring right at the 
               wet piece of paper. 'God' cold be seen written on it.

               We looked at each other silently for more than a minute. A 
               growl was forming on his face. And I could hear him whisper 
               very softly, "One hudnred million on strike one - escape 
               routes - It's all my power up now - who do I want to fuck 
               first -"

               Suddenly, Buddy straightened up and yelled, "Bernard, you're 
               fucked! I won't need you any longer. This whole fuckin' 
               thing's coming to an end! Forget about your Nicola, you won't 
               have to worry about her any more!"

               He suddenly left me.

               'Zinta,' I thought.

               I started back to Parliament. It didn't matter if Buddy wasn't 
               going to give me a letter, I could make up my own now. I 
               found a hiding spot and started on what would be the last 
               letter I would ever write.

               I sat in the stairwell I'd chosen to be my final place of 
               reflection without being able, for a few minutes, to get 
               started on the letter.

               'Tricks? Could I ever forget what I've learned - what I've 
               experienced? For days and days I denied killing Zinta. How 
               much longer could I have denied it? Forever? Is it possible 
               for me to forget everything I've learned? To deceive myself 
               all the time for the rest of my life? After I've learned so 
               much about the world?

               'Tricks - crap. How long did Zinta blind me from seeing how 
               bad the world really is - before she left me - before I killed 
               her? I don't know. Since day one I guess.'

               I started the letter.

               '

               We have rejected your threats as empty of substance and have 
               taken the necessary steps to implement our resolve in this 
               matter. By 22:00 hours October 20 we will start to destroy 
               your country unless you surrender -          '

               I looked away from the letter and thought, 'This'll be enough. 
               It should be anyway. Buddy's letter made him go mad with 
               anger. This should do the same job on this PM. Unless she's 
               been kicked out of the Prime Minister's job in the past few 
               hours, it should work. I don't think either of them will get 
               over their anger long enough to put a stop this whole mess.'

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                                                                        62.


               Just to make sure the letter was going to work I added.

               '

               and resign your whole government and make way for a military 
               administration that we would control.          '

               Then I thought,  'I'm as relevant as God could ever have 
               been. God creates life and death while I give sleep - deep 
               sleep - oblivion.'

               I turned my head to look at the peach walls surrounding me 
               and the grey steps going up the spine of the building I was 
               in, The Suger and Maple Consortium Building. Had there not 
               been the lies, deceptions, sufferings of this world the result 
               would have needed to be the same. No amount of perfection in 
               form was going to change the Big Truth that life should not 
               continue. Canada was as near perfection as it could get. 
               Earth was now in the image of humanity and suffering at the 
               hands of nature had nearly disappeared. The form of a life 
               was irrelevant. The society life could amass didn't matter. 
               It was time that I recognized, if no one else was going to, 
               that sleep - infinite sleep - was what was needed.

               Images and rememberances flickered near the peach walls like 
               silent movies as I took a last look at my body. I lifted my 
               hands to my face and tried to recall their significance. The 
               scars on them spoke to me, but I had no reason to listen 
               anymore.

               'I think if a consciousness had really existed to control 
               the fate of life it would have done what I'm doing. Finishing 
               off this world quickly and humanely.'

               My body rose before my eyes. It was a cadaver and my organs 
               became exposed while my ribs opened for my inspection. My 
               stomach and heart moved the most but it didn't bother me. 
               Everything was quite in order and I complimented myself on 
               teh neatness and healthy colour of my insides.

               I decided to add one last thing before taking the letter to 
               the PM

               '

               You must surrender your government before 22:00 hours on 
               national television to influence our deadline.       '

               'What is it Mr. Dempsey said?' I said to myself while getting 
               up, leaving all the remaining stationary in a garbage in the 
               building I was in and finding my way out onto the street. 
               'He said something about we only think we exist therefore 
               we're only a thought ... this whole world, with all its lies 
               and Tricks could be just some huge imperfect conspiracy for 
               my benefit, or pain, for all I know. What was it I was 
               thinking the other day?... Something about ... I know it was 
               that I lived in a reflected present. by the time I know what 
               it is that's happening to me another thing is happening to

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                                                                        63.


               me. I can never get out of that. Not only can I not deal 
               with things just as they happen to me, but I can't stop from 
               seeing them as past events. That'll come in handy when I 
               die.

               Every step I walked was a spontaneous inspiration of the 
               goodness that was still in me.

               'Maybe there is some huge conspiracy. Maybe, to all life, 
               all other life is just a thought in our minds, it could be 
               that I'm only a thought ... I said that already ... no ... 
               I'm only like ... the figment of a thought. Like an atom 
               could be a planet with little people on it. Or all of us 
               could be on an atom-sized object in some other observer's 
               world. I know ... I could be the atom of thought in someone 
               else's world of thought... no ... I don't know. Maybe the 
               world is just a thought in my mind. Anyway, how could I really 
               know unless I could step outside my own thoughts.'

               I walked down to the subway platform and jumped on the first 
               train going to the Parliament. Then suddenly I was struck 
               witha n idea that seemed to be planted in my mind. Maybe I 
               was really just a very consistent figment of someone else's 
               imagination. I actually doubted my physical shape itself - 
               paper - a bound volume of paper seemed to be suggested as my 
               true shape. 'My god, what if ...' I was so scared to think 
               that I might not exist that I pinched myself.

               "Ow!" I yelled.  the pain was a relief but it failed to lift 
               all of my doubts.

               'Well, if I'm just a thought and the whole world is just a 
               thought in my mind, or in someone else's mind, how much damage 
               could I be doing by destroying the world. I'm just changing 
               a few minds.

               'The end of my thoughts is the only thing I can believe in 
               now. I mean what else is there to believe in for me. Nicola 
               might have been enough but she's never felt strongly enough 
               about me to look after me like Zinta did. zinta was as perfect 
               at helping me avoid the world as death. And if I can't have 
               what I had withZinta, then the only thing left for me to do 
               is to end this thought, this life.'

               My subway arrived near Parliament and I got out.

               'I was right on target about being jealous, all right. I'm 
               jealous of Zinta and Walter and his wife and every other 
               person that has passed the threshold of death. Everybody's 
               got to do it some time. We;re only going to where we came 
               from. Right? It's just oblivion that we're going to go to.

               I think it's time someone did something about this problem, 
               solved this problem for everybody.

               I was surrounded by the vaccinated arms of a thousand people 
               leaving the station - a thousand of the billions of people

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                                                                        64.


               that I was about to envelope and redress inside the sanctity 
               of my skull.

               IV

               'I just wish someone else had saved the world before me.

               'God I hope it doesn't hurt too much to die.' The Trick 
               convulsed fear into my consciousness.

               I had three methods to leave the subway station to choose 
               from; the elevator, escalator and stairs. I was starting to 
               get out of shape so I ran up the stairs. As I ran up them I 
               bumped into an old lady and knocked her down. I stood looking 
               at her - her hairless brows - her wrinkles.

               "Oooch ... You could help me up, you know," the old lady 
               said. "I won't hit you back, you know."

               I leaned down and lifted her up. "I'm very sorry, ma'am,"

               "I can tell your hormones are racing ahead of your common 
               sense. Now you go off to your girlfriend and have a good 
               time." then she turned and hobbled, one foot at a time, down 
               the stairs.

               "Ma'am?" I called after her.

               She turned around with a smile for me.

               "How do you know if I have a girlfriend?"

               Her smile grew with the naturalness of a Morning Glory and 
               she stated, "Because you have love written all over you. You 
               can't fool me!"

               The lady descended into heaven and waved to me one last time.

               She made me certain again of what I was doing. I knew my 
               intentions were good after all.

               I finished running up the stairs to the street level and by 
               the time I was facing the New Ottawa streets and people again 
               I knew exactly what I was doing this for. I got this knowledge 
               by a strange sense that I was fulfilling a long cherished 
               dream and it tingled my mind. I looked up at the atrium and 
               beyond, then a swirling wind from teh passing people searched 
               me out and fawned my clothes and hair like I was the returning 
               messiah. While this air molested me, I walked down the street 
               parting th cursing cyclists and pedestrians with the 
               indifference of ball lightning.

               One last doubt nudged me; was I going to be the cause of 
               death for all these people? I wasn't afraid if I was the 
               cause, I could face that eveil in me, I wasn't afraid of my 
               guilts any longer. The reason for the question now was that 
               I needed to be clear about everything. And what asking the 
               question did was to make the answer clear; if I didn't cause

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                                                                        65.


               the end of every life at that moment two thigns were going 
               to happen; one, we would all die anyway and two, we would 
               all be causing more deaths by having more births - the cause 
               of death. I was in fact saving future lives by stopping life 
               where it stood.

               I arrived at Parliament for the last time - everything was 
               for the last time - and I was led toward the PMO.

               The Hall fo Public Consultation stood empty except during 
               the ten minutes it took for myself and my two heavily armoured 
               escorts to march across it. While I kept the same marching 
               pace as these two female guards I sensed that one was worried 
               about something and I felt satisfied I was about to do 
               something for her. March, march, march. We ricocheted our 
               foot-falls around this cavernous monument to fixing an 
               original mistake, to correcting a premise that couldn't be 
               corrected, to perfecting the unnecessary.

               As we left the echoes behind in the Hall I noticed that I 
               was coming down from the Crystal Drug. It must have been 
               running on inside my head like a sick engine. Nevertheless 
               my ideas grew stronger as I came down.

               We arrived at the PMO and the guards stopped following me 
               and I walked into the Prime Minister's Office, past her staff 
               then into her personal office.

               The PM was sitting alone in a swivel chair looking out the 
               west window.

               I took out the ultimatum I'd written and was about to place 
               it on her desk when she said without looking at me, "Bernard, 
               I underestimated you."

               I stared wide-eyed at her and then the fake letter, the final 
               ultimatum in my hand. I quietly put the evidence back in my 
               pocket.

               "You definitely fooled me, Bernard, from day one," she said. 
               "I took you for the fool but you really had things going the 
               other way didn't you?"

               I almost cried out from disappointment. The world was going 
               to survive after all.

               "I just got off the phone with your friend, Buddy -"

               I tried, I tried to remember if I might ahve accidentally 
               passed Buddy the private phone number the PM had included in 
               the letters. I must have, I figured.

               "He's very upset at you, youknow - for forging all those 
               letters. But I calmed him down. I told hm if he had had nay 
               intelligence he would have suspected you from the beginning... 
               You surprised me though - I have to admit.

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                                                                        66.


               "Buddy and I," she spewed,"his true name is Clarance Tseng. 
               We've worked out most of the problems. It was pretty scary 
               for us all of us, at one point. I guess youknew that. I'm 
               just glad ... Hey, are you laughing?"

               I was shaking from sadness and tears nearly spilled out of 
               my eyes to spoil my unintended deception. I controlled myself 
               and let her see it as a laugh. The world looked more real 
               and disgusting than I thought it could ever seem. It was 
               going to pull through again. I laughed and laugehd and 
               laughed. I waited to be arrested.

               The Prime Minister looked somber as she got up from the chair 
               she occupied and approached me. I expected her to slap me as 
               she came within arms reach of me. She stood in front of me, 
               finally lifting her eyes to look at me in the face. Then she 
               lifted her hand.

               "Why don't you shake my hand?"

               It was another pointless Trick.

               "Look, I'm sorry for the way I've treated you. The least I 
               can do for the way you thought of the compromise and the way 
               you handled us is to offer you an appointment in my 
               administration. If you hadn't made that call thirty minutes 
               ago there wouldn't have been an administration in Canada, 
               not even someone to call this planet earth. On behalf of the 
               Government of Canada I offer you my kindest thanks."

               'What a bunch of shit.' I played along with her, shook her 
               hand and accepted her offer of an appointment.

               'I had always been in a game like this before, hadn't I?'

               'Nicola!' I screamed to myelf, 'She switched letters on me. 
               She's a pickpocket! And Dempsey! The bastard, he was talking 
               to me long enough for her to write it in the bathroom. When 
               she took the towel off her head her hair was only damp. It 
               didn't even dawn on me, that was her second bath today! - 
               Shit!'

               The Prime Minister explained  how with my help, (What was 
               really Nicola's letter to Budddy and probably using Dempsey 
               to call the PM's office to speak in my voice, and her switched 
               letter to Buddy,) they were able to scare each other into 
               backing down and calling a truce.

               "I know I may be getting myself into trouble by promoting 
               you but I can't help but honour your pluck and intelligence 
               for playing Buddy and I like your fiddle. An hour ago I 
               thought I was so high and mighty that I could threaten the 
               world's existence. You and the world have shown me how little 
               power any one of us really has. I guess you know you could 
               get away with what you did after seeing me at the Norwegian 
               village and after telling you how much I respected greater 
               powers than myself. You're going to be taken more seriously

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                                                                        67.


               next time. But for now thank you for your mediation, as 
               manipulative as it was, it was of great service."

               All I could feel was hopelessness. I was so close to doing 
               something about this stupid world and I had to take an 
               appointment in this government. Was it some kind of 
               compnesation? It wasn't going to work, no compensation could 
               ever be enough.

               When I was allowed to leave the presence of the Prime 
               Minister, I shuffled out of the Parliament, over to the first 
               commercial street and found a public phone.

               I planned to get mad at Nicola, but then I thought, by what 
               right could I get upset. I called her.

               "You tricked me," I said anyway.

               "I was looking after you. Not to mention myself. Why did you 
               want to do it?" she asked.

               "You'd never understand."

               "You're not going to try anything else are you?"

               "Why should I? Your phone call made a big impression on teh 
               Prime Minister, she gave me a plum job for my services 
               rendered. Thanks a lot Nicola. I guess whores like me remain 
               an appreciated class."

               "A plum job, what kind?"

               "I don't care."

               "What are you going to do now, right now, Bernard?"

               "Something that matters. Something - something permanent."

               "Please just tell me."

               "What do yo think?" I said then drifted while she tried to 
               get my attention. The image and meaning of Perry in the 
               hospital drifted into view, clearly for the first time now. 
               I'd met Perry only once - at his wife's deathbed, and as it 
               turned out at his own deathbed as well - and he stuck in my 
               mind as deeply as my parents had. Perry had hinged his whole 
               life on the love he held for his wife and when she died he 
               had nothing, no reason, no rationale to maintain his 
               existence. He had that knwoledge consciously in his mind, I 
               was certain of it, then he died of a broken heart. There was 
               no better way to put it.

               Zinta played the same role in my life but I was too stupid 
               to die of a broken heart when she tried to leave me. I had 
               to resent her as though she were the one that brought me 
               into the world, as though she were my real mother. I wondered 
               if I could still die of a broken heart over her or was it 
               too late. Or was there a way I could deceive myself back

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                                                                        68.


               into the oblivion that Zinta had once maintained for me like 
               a Garden of Eden?

               "Bernard, listen to me," Nicola yelled at me through the 
               phone.

               "Huh?"

               "Where are you now, Bernard?"

               I answered slowly from my thoughts, "Near ... the Parliament."

               "Stay there, I'm coming to get you. I've still got Bill's 
               car. I'll come pick you up."

               "I'm going to end the world - for me at least. Nicola, you 
               don't need to pick me up. But if you wnat to find me I'll be 
               walking west along the coast until I've done what it was 
               I've been needing to do." I hung up the phone and walked 
               around asking which way to the subway then asking for the 
               westbound train, at least five times I asked. I got off at 
               the end of the line and walked upstairs to the street. I 
               asked for the nearest exit to the outsie of the city and was 
               shown where to go by a man who thought I was actually blind.

               I stepped out the door into a cold driving wind. I wasn't 
               dressed warmly but just the same I was relaxed in that cold. 
               I walked along the edge of the harbour as the daylight began 
               to shrivel through the grey clouds. I walked until I met the 
               main highway and Nicola sitting on Bill's car waiting for 
               me. She had a microphone in front of her mouth.

               "Hi I'm Bernard Kimosa and I'm the Lord," Nicola said in teh 
               microphone. She sounded like me.

               I showed some surprise, she'd read my mind again.

               While turning off the microphone she said, "Do you think I 
               would let Dempsey make a call as important as the ones I had 
               to make? He's a jerk. He's a secret drunk. I got the voice 
               imitator from Bill's car trunk.

               "Can I give you a drive?" she added.

               "I don't care," I responded then got in. She tried to put a 
               blanket on me but I threw it off.

               "Do you want to keep going along the coast?" she asked.

               I nodded my head and she said that was all right with her.

               We drove along the same route that the Prime Minster's limo 
               took the other day.

               When we passed the resort that had been the location for 
               Zinta's poster of New Ottawa, I asked Nicola to stop by the 
               side of the road for a minute. While Nicola waited in the 
               car I walked around the main building of the resort to find

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                                                                        69.


               the exact place that the poster had been shot. I was 
               disappointed once again in something. I had thought that it 
               might have been possible that a photograph of an actual place 
               wouldn't deceive me, but it had. The view of the city from 
               that vantage point was ruined by several shipyards. They had 
               been computered out of the poster.

               I went back in the car and once again Nicola asked if I wanted 
               to keep going along the coast. She said there was nothing 
               ahead.

               "Let's go then," I said.

               She drove back onto the highway, in the direction I asked.

               Eventually we passed through the snaking part of the road 
               that contained the fallen Norwegian village. I asked Nicola 
               to stop when we came up to the path that led to the village. 
               I got out and this time Nicola followed.

               I led Nicola through the scruffy forest and found the facade 
               number eleven standing just as I had seen it before. Nicola 
               made a comment on how interesting it was.

               I took a good look through the door on the facade and saw 
               the ocean from below and sky from above meeting in a place 
               that was impossible to iamgine. I was going to swim out to 
               find it, this was where the world was going to end.

               Nicola kept on making remarks that interfered with my 
               concentration.

               "Will you stop talking," I said. "Why are you with me, Nicola? 
               Why haven't you just deserted me. I can't hurt this world 
               any longer. Why don't you just leave me alone. You know I 
               want to die. Why get in my way?"

               "I'm not in your way," she said with tears runnning down her 
               cheeks."I just want to keep an eye on you. I want to be with 
               you when you're ready."

               I was going to say 'For what?' but I didn't think it was 
               right to play stupid. I stayed silent.

               I looked through the door again. This time I walked up clsoe 
               to it, while fighting back burning tears.

               I noticed teh Prime Minister's chairs tucked behind the door 
               of the facade and remembered what this whole place had meant 
               to her. How it symbolized civilization and how even she lacked 
               the power to stop the rising of the world's tides. How even 
               she had no way that could alter or change the course of fate. 
               How even she could do nothing but watach the things humanity 
               does that fall into oblivion. I just wished everyone could 
               see that falling into oblivion is what we all truly needed.

               I looked at Nicola then through the facade's door. I placed 
               my shoulder up against the wall and pushed withall the

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                                                                        70.


               strength I could find. I pushed and pushed, listening to the 
               plaster slide off the walls then the stone crack before I 
               finally heard and felt the rotting timber snap and the weight 
               of the upper part of the old building carry it over the edge 
               with a giant splash into the darkening sea.

               I was free now. Free to see the world without contexts, the 
               way it really was, before I went back to oblivion.Where my 
               eyes had once seen only through the facade, the prison of 
               context, the facade was overthrown. I stared out at the 
               infinity of the horizon, the the sky, the sea, the blowing 
               grass; my head spun with the new freedom. My head spun around 
               until it was locked onto the infinity of Nicola's red eyes.

               "Look," she said, "I brought you something." She reached in 
               hger shirt and pulled out the lucky dice. "I saved them for 
               you." She dangled the dice and I waked over to look at them 
               for one last time. They were all sixes, as they were meant 
               to be. The hole didn't make seven like Dempsey said.

               "You can have them again," she said. "I know how you like to 
               gamble."

               Nicola's red eyes held me back. Swimming out to find the 
               horizon was my only hope. Her eyes... her pale face ... and 
               her soft voice.

               "I love you Bernard."

               Suddenly, my eyes were no longer free of context. A rim of 
               tears was blurring the edges. Then as though I'd never noticed 
               them before my eyelids slowly closed, pushing the blur in my 
               vision until it was the only vision I had. Nicola loved me, 
               she was going to look after me. She was my Nicola.

               ....Love Triumphs... Context Rules... Death is Birth...

               Flashes of so called ideas intruded at every opportunity.

               ....The Big Truth ... Anchoring ... the Trick...

               I got angry with myself and shut down my mind.

               'After all. Who am I? What do I know?' I thought.

               With that seed of an idea, a vine of hope grew.

               "Did you hear me? I love you Bernard!"

               I couldn't see her any more through the blur of tears andI 
               desperately tried to reassure her that I'd changed my mind. 
               That I wanted to live. I tried to get out what I wanted to 
               say but my love for her and her love for me choked me up.

               I tried anyway. I said, "     "

               THE END